I'm out running errands, meet this girl randomly..
..get her number, text her for about a week, and then take her out on a date.
That's all the backstory you need.
I get in the Uber, go to her place, pick her up.
We drive over to this Italian restaurant in Beverly Hills. We get a seat outside, and she's like:
"Let's drink wine."
Mind you, we haven't even looked at the menu yet.
The server comes over, we put in our orders, and the millisecond this guy leaves..
..she starts talking about her ex.
Let's call this dude Alex, since Alex is a guy I'm collabing with on this video. He's helping me with the animation.
"I am SO over Alex!"
*laughs*
"He is DONE."
"Don't like him."
We each have three glasses of wine and I don't even drink wine.
So I don't even really know how it's gonna affect me.
Food comes, we eat. Server brings over the bill. It's actually not that bad.
We get up and I'm like
"Alright, let's just.. lemme drop you home." And she's like,
"I am sooo over Alex and this date is not finished!"
Honestly, I didn't want the date to end so I'm like "Alright.."
"What do you wanna do?"
*whispers* "let's go..TIPSY SHOPPING."
What in the eck iz deh?
We go to Rite Aid in Beverly Hills.
This girl, without even flinching like, this girl walks right over to like the juice..
..buys two of those bottles, buys a bottle of wine,
and then goes over to the register. And I'm just like,
This is clearly her first time doing this.
She goes over to the side of the building, she pours out the juices,
And then start's pouring the wine into the juice bottles.
So now we have these two bottles that look like healthy, juicing, fruited, thing-a-ma-jigies,
When in fact..it's that "good good".
And honestly, I'm still not feeling even remotely tipsy from the wine at the restaurant.
But in the back,
back,
BACK of my brain I'm like,
"Right..are you trying to get me..
chocolate wasted? So I could buy you a Lamborghinis? Is that what's going on here?"
So she grabs my hand and we're walking and sipping and all of a sudden...
This thing, my arms start tingling, my cheeks start getting all rosy.
Now I'm starting to feel..I'm starting to feel a little funny.
The first store we walk into is like this painting store, I don't know,
It's like really big paintings.
We walk in there and we're like,
"Sir, how much for this? Sir how much for this? SIR, how much for this?"
And the dude's like "yeah $30,000, oh yeah $50,000, oh yeah $80,000."
For these paintings!
And the back, back, BACK of my brain, I'm like I'm
"I'm not, I'm not even feeling it. I'm not even feeling it mate."
I thought I was being pretty normal as I was walking around asking for these prices.
But then the guy that works there looks at us, and he's like,
"What are y'all on?"
And we just bust out with,
Insta model: *drunk singing* ♪ooooOooOOoh♪
Swoozie: ♪Percocets, molly, percocets. Perococets, molly, percocets♪ IM: ♪ooooOooooOH♪
I thought we were being pretty normal. But apparently, we was being pretty extra.
So I was like
"The gig is up, let's BOUNCE!"
"You got me messed up if you think I'm finna walk up in here..
..and tipsy buy you an $80,000 Marilyn Monroe. I see what you tryna do!"
For those of you who are really familiar with Beverly Hills,
you're gonna know all these stores that I'm talking about.
We go to, uh, I think it was "Z Gallery" that has a bunch of furniture? We go to Z Gallery..
.we're walking up and down the aisles. So we kind of drift off. She goes one way,
I go another way, and then all of a sudden I hear, really loud,
"What do you say to me!? Honey, this name tag will come off!!"
So then I slide up in there like "SKRRRR"
"Okaaay, um. Friend, go over there."
I turn to look at the girl at the register
and you know when you see somebody and they give you that look of recognition?
That- This girl gave me that recognition look and I'm like..
"Crap."
I'm feeling a little funny. I got to choose my words very carefully.
Her tone instantly changes once I get there.
"How long have you guys been dating?"
Now my brain was telling my lips to say "heh, we're not dating this is our first date."
What actually came out of my mouth was
*giggles*
"We've been dating for about three months."
I don't even KNOW why I lied.
Under the counter, I'm like rapidly tapping my phone, trying to call an Uber like,
"Confirm location!"
I defuse the bomb in "Z Gallery." We pull up to her place, and I'm like
"Okay...
..byeeee."
And she goes,
"No no no no, I think this is the part where you're supposed to come inside."
Now in the back, back, BACK of my brain I'm like
"What's the worst that could happen?"
I go into her place, she walks me back into her bedroom,
we started making out, she goes from my belt, and then I'm like,
"SKRRRRT"
"Hol' up, hol' up, let's let's pump the brakes."
"Why?? Don't you like me??"
I'm like "yeah you're hot. However, comma,
remember that part back at the resturant when you were like,"
"Alex! Alex! Alex!"
"You told me you cried yourself to sleep last night."
"..Are you serious?"
"If you wanna cuddle and make out, coo'. But A) you've been drinkin' and B) you seem pretty emotionally vulnerable.
"Fine!!"
Girl rolls over and gives me her back/shoulder.
Not even two minutes later I hear,
*snores*
I get up, walk out, lock the door behind me, call an Uber,
and I was out.
Lately I've been hearing stories about guys who are giving all us other guys a bad name.
Thought I'd jump on here and counteract that.
I'm trying to give us guys a good name.
♪♪♪