This is not a video about pornography. This is a video about persistence.
It’s not a story with a sad ending,
because the ending is still being written.
I was 12 when I first looked at it. I'm 45 now.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would take this long.
And yet, even if I could go back in time
and try to tear my 12-year-old self away from that first image,
I don't think he'd come with me because
I don't think he fully understood what he was getting into.
Though he soon found out.
What do you do when certain synapses in your brain start firing?
When your mind is flooded every day with intoxicating chemicals,
chemicals your own body makes whenever you want them?
What do you do when it just won't let go?
I had no idea that I was going to be an addict.
I never even heard of dopamine until I was 27,
but by then I'd already been on the rollercoaster for 15 years.
One month I’d ride the highs of change, repentance, and the gospel,
and the next I’d plunge back into curiosity, darkness, and obsession.
For 30 years I rode that roller coaster,
each high feeling like the last time I’d have to climb; each low
feeling steeper and more stomach churning.
And every time I slipped up,
I felt so ashamed that I couldn't get things right.
Until the guilt and frustration became so intense that I didn't think
I could ever overcome it.
And as I gave thousands of hours to my weakness, I became tired and apathetic,
angry and unpleasant to be around.
I began to treat others as objects to be used instead of people to love.
I became selfish, unempathetic, and depressed until
I started to think that maybe my behavior wasn't bad at all.
In fact, maybe it was normal.
Maybe the only reason I felt bad was
because everyone around me was telling me it was bad.
Maybe if I just got away from those people, the bad feelings would go away.
Only they never did. And month after month, year after year,
decade after decade, my heart slowly hardened, callous to good feelings,
dead to anything spiritual.
Until finally I wished I weren't even here anymore.
“I’m tired,” I told my bishop one day. “I don’t want to do this anymore.
I’m sick of being a hypocrite doing the same thing over and over.”
“But you’re not a hypocrite just because you have
a bad habit you’re trying to break,” he said.
“God sees weakness differently than he sees rebellion.
When God speaks about weakness, it's always with mercy.
So stop trying to do this yourself.
Let God guide you.”
It was the most powerful thing I'd ever heard. I wasn't worthless.
I just had a weakness. And I thought my whole life that if
I just changed my ways and had enough willpower,
I could figure out a way to make it all work. But it wasn't enough.
My whole life, I had only turned to God to ask for forgiveness.
But now I knew I had to ask Him for power.
And as I worked hard to begin receiving that power from Him,
I stopped focusing on my failures and where I'd been,
and instead focused on where I wanted to be.
I had treated my whole life as if it were a short drive across town,
when in reality it was more like a cross-country road trip.
I couldn't reach my destination alone on one tank of gas.
I had to refill the tank over and over with Christ at my side to get where
I wanted to go. I thought I couldn't connect with God if
I weren't completely free of bad habits.
I thought I had to be flawless to be worthy. But that wasn't true.
I just had to be honest with myself and God and give my very best effort.
I had to stop doing things my way and let the Lord be my guide.
And so I got rid of my all or nothing expectations.
I stopped trying to be flawless and just started trying to be good,
filling my life with things more interesting, more challenging,
and more hopeful than any of my weaknesses.
Yes, it's been a long journey and I still have a long way to go.
And yes, God does love me the way I am.
But He also loves me far too much to leave me the way I am.
This is not a video about pornography
because becoming like Christ is about persistence, patience, and partnership.
And this is not a story with a sad ending
because you
Haven't written it yet.