Beto O'Rourke, former Texas congressman,
and handsome scarecrow
who raised $6.1 million,
a record, in the 24 hours after he announced
his presidential run last Thursday.
And that's a lot of money, $6.1 million.
That's almost enough to bribe your kid into USC.
So right now, right now, out of the gate,
Beto looks like a serious candidate,
but his launch is being overshadowed
by a revelation about his past.
TV REPORTER: Newcomer Beto O'Rourke quickly went
from a big start to closer scrutiny.
TV REPORTER: Former U.S. congressman O'Rourke
confirmed that he used to be a member
of a well-known computer hacking group.
As a teenager, he belonged to the group called,
The Cult of the Dead Cow.
He also wrote online essays
under the name Psychedelic Warlord.
His writings as a teenager included a piece
of fiction written from the point of view of a killer
who runs over two children with a car.
That's right, Beto O'Rourke used to be a hacker, yeah.
Which I think will only help him, because it's a great way
to show that you're from a more modern generation.
Most of the other candidates could never have been hackers,
even if they wanted to.
Like, what was Bernie gonna hack, a telegram? Huh?
(mimics Sanders): "I breached the mainframe, we're in."
(laughter)
(normal voice): And as for people slamming O'Rourke
for the short stories that he wrote as a kid,
I'm sorry, but that's just ridiculous.
They were fiction, all right? He wrote fiction.
People are like "I can't believe--"
He wrote fiction. What's next?
Are we gonna arrest George. R.R. Martin? Huh?
That man's a monster, he killed thousands.
No, he's a monster because he refuses to finish those books.
That's why he's a monster.
What the hell, George?!
You and Robert Mueller having a contest?
Someone release something!
God damn it!
(cheers and applause)
But Beto's an interesting guy, right?
He doesn't want to risk offending anyone
with his past writings.
In fact, he doesn't want to offend anybody.
He spent the weekend apologizing for that
and about 50 other things.
Last night, he said it was wrong of him
to make a joke at several events
that his wife had been raising their three children
"sometimes with my help."
Beto O'Rourke on the defensive telling reporters he regretted
saying that he was born to run for president.
I'm born to serve.
Uh, I'm-I'm born to try to help bring people together.
Wow, this guy's apologizing for everything.
Soon he's gonna start apologizing
for stuff he didn't even do.
"I'm sorry Tristan cheated on Khloe Kardashian.
I have to take responsibility for his actions."
I'm sorry, people, but this is out of control.
People literally wanted Beto O'Rourke to apologize
because he said about the presidential race,
"I was born for this."
And they were like, "That's white privilege.
Are you saying the presidency is your birthright?"
No. "Born for this" is a figure of speech we all use
to indicate we're ready for something. All right?
I wasn't actually born for the all-you-can-eat buffet.
It's just something I say.
This shit is getting ridiculous.
This is not wokeness. This is insanity.
Can you imagine if Beto took this attitude
into the White House? Huh?
North Korea would launch missiles,
and his aide would be like, "Mr. President,
what do you want to do?"
And he'd be like, "Uh, as a white man,
"maybe it's my time to listen
to what these missiles have to say."
It'd be like, "Breaking news. New York City was wiped out,
but the president is a woke bae."