When I worked in a school, I locked another teacher in a cupboard to teach him a lesson.
What did you teach? Humanities.
I thought you were gonna say humans then. Humanities.
What age were the kids? I'm checking out your teaching credentials before we get to the
other bit of the story. Yeah, all good. Secondary school kids.
Secondary school? And where in the country was this?
In the West Midlands. West Midlands, right ok.
You're a teacher aren't you. Does all that stack up?
I'm not any more Lee. You used to be a teacher didn't you?
No, I'm a well known comedian. Are you?
I genuinely thought you were a celebrity teacher,
that's why you were here. I thought you were from that thing about teaching people in Yorkshire.
Where did you do your teaching degree?
Never mind that, where do you do your comedy gigs?
Why did you lock the other teacher in- was it a cupboard? Yeah it was a humanities cupboard.
Why did you lock him in there?
Me and him had beef on sight.
Had beef on what? On sight.
Is that a sandwich?
As soon as we locked eyes, I knew there was gonna be an issue.
'Cause he thought he was the most popular teacher amongst the kids.
So I turned up at school and within a week, I was the most popular teacher in the school.
Big head.
What made you such a popular teacher?
I was like the pied piper or literacy. Kids were following me around everywhere like 'Yo Sir.'
That is quite a claim.
The pied piper of literacy.
In the humanities department? That's correct!
Ignore humanities. Come and read my novels children!
Yeah, and so obviously the reputation's going round school like 'Yeah Sir taught me
how to use full stops and that, he's a sick guy.' So-
That is a sentence that has never been uttered by anybody under the age of twenty-one.
'He taught me how to use full stops, he's a sick guy.'
Yeah.
How long did you lock him in a cupboard for?
Actually, here's part of the story that you need to know fundamentally.
The reason why I chose to lock him in the cupboard on that day
is because I knew it would make him late for his lesson observation.
Observation?
So a lesson observation is essentially how teachers are judged on how good they are as teachers.
It's not based on how you move these children on emotionally, spiritually-
how you build them as human beings. It's a fifteen minute window,
in which a wasteman that can't teach themselves comes in and judges you.
So you locked him in so he'd get into trouble on his observation?
Yeah I did, shall I tell you why? Please do.
He started spreading a rumour amongst the senior leadership team
that I wasn't marking my student's books.
Is that bad?
I wasn't, but that's not the point.
Greg, no snitching on other teachers right?
And what was the upshot of all of this? Did you let him out? Did he escape?
Is he still there?
No, I did let him out eventually. I just wanted to ensure that he was late for
that lesson observation because that means you're looked upon very harshly by the senior
leadership team, that he had been snitching me out to.
So you know, fair's fair, squared squares.
If you were capable of locking a man in this cupboard, surely a kid could've
got locked in there and it would've been a health and safety disaster?
Yeah, I banged a couple of them in there as well every now and then.
Alright what are you thinking?
I'm saying it's true.
Lucy? Erm-
Do you need rebooting?
I'm gonna say it's a lie. Are you?
I just find it implausible.
Do you believe people can have beef on sight?
I'm persuadable, I don't feel so strongly about it.
Well then say it's true.
You're gonna say it's true? Ok.
Guz, were you just telling us the truth or were you telling us a lie?
I was telling...
the truth.