PATHOLOGICAL JEALOUSY RESULTING IN DEPRESSION 39 year old patient, born of unknown father, brought up by a single mother. Pathological, delusional jealousy evolving for 2 years, leading to depression and culminating in a su*c*de attempt by ingestion of aspirin
The problem started 2 years ago when I had to stay home alone for the whole of July, when my wife and kids went on holiday
And I was extremely bored
And I am not sure how it happened, but slowly I started looking back at this 13 year marriage of mine
And things started to come to mind, one after another, it's like a veil being lifted
Every night was like that, although I didn't think too much about it during the day
But eventually the thoughts stayed with me all day and night
Things that were said, certain situations...
Where I noticed something wasn't quite right with my wife, and even some of her relatives
And that's when I realized that my marriage was a sham
Since that time, the main problem is the kids
I mean, if I could have caught her with someone I probably would have been able to manage things a lot better
At least at the very beginning, because the laws weren't as unfair as they are today
I could have probably gotten custody of the kids, but now it's too late, it's no longer possible
And for 2 years, I've been trying to deal with this situation somehow, mainly by focusing only on the kids. But I am struggling
It's very difficult to live with someone you absolutely despise
It's funny how you can sometimes suddenly apprehend things that happened in the past with full clarity
Little details...
Part of a sentence that stuck in your mind...
Situations that you now see from a different angle
Things you thought were just misunderstandings... But these misunderstandings happened a few times too often
It is what it is
I really tried to forget because I thought I must be crazy to think like this
But it stayed with me
And I became a very jealous man. I needed to know everything, I needed to understand
Was it all my head, was it my imagination, or was this the reality of things?
I sent some anonymous letters to her, so I could gauge her reaction
And watching her response, I got the impression that she was scared
I know it wasn't real proof, but I needed to find out somehow
I had already gone too far, imagined too many things to just let it go, and at that point admittedly I wasn't even thinking about the kids at all
I didn't realise there were three innocents in the middle of all this
So I carried on digging, digging until I could be sure. And when I finally was sure, I realized that if I asked for a divorce I'd never get the kids
And that really hurt
really hurt
Because I can't imagine leaving the kids with her, she'll never be able to give them a proper upbringing. It's not possible
I care too much about them. I don't want the kids to end up being like their mother
How were you able to come to the conclusion that you were right about what had happened?
You know, it came to a point when I realized...
...Jokes that get repeated enough times start to look completely different
It's weird how you can remember a conversation where you are made the butt of the joke... You can always say, well it was only a joke.
Maybe in bad taste, but a joke nonetheless
But when you remember that it wasn't just once, but two or three times, you have to ask yourself: was it a joke, or is it the truth?
I now know it's the truth
She'll keep on denying it
I know damn well that I will need to catch her with someone to get the final proof
But I am certain of it regardless
But that's not the problem, the problem is my 3 kids
The issue between me and my wife was already settled 2 years ago
2 years ago in July I knew it was done
And when I really think about it, the infidelity had already been going on for 6 or 7 years
And I should have noticed it earlier, but I think on some level I stayed wilfully blind to it. That's how I explain it
For those 6 or 7 years, I wasn't able to acknowledge what was happening right in front of me
I should have understood the situation immediately
And I don't know why...
But it didn't affect me at all
When I think back to it now, it is difficult to explain
Still, that changes nothing. The problem remains the same, my three innocent children. That's all that matters to me
Before that holiday two years ago, what was your relationship with your wife like?
We were getting on quite well
It might sound strange, but I never even had an argument with my wife, ever
We never argued about anything. She always agreed with anything I did.
I never had a problem
It might explains why I was...
Why I wasn't suspicious
Although I must have been on some unconscious level, because of all the things I can remember now
I never fully digested what was happening then, and so it stayed with me
But so your relationship was good on all levels?
No. Not on all levels. Not sexually.
Our sex life has been practically non-existent for 10 years
After our second was born, she said that she was too afraid to have another child
I accepted the explanation, and I didn't try to examine the situation further
And so it went. That became my new reality
It is not entirely her fault, you know. At that point I should have realised what was going on, but I had an ego and I was a coward
I should have asked more questions, dug a bit deeper
Not that she would have ever admitted it. She wont admit to it even now
But so why does she still stay with me? I don't know, I can't understand it
It's something I don't quite get
I don't get it at all
With everything she's done and is doing, it just doesn't make any sense
Maybe she is thinking of the kids as well, I don't know
She's still a good mother to them, I can't fault her there
Even though it's hard for me to admit
Anyway, I am trying to focus on the kids and not think about her at all, but it's difficult
Some days I want to hit her
Have you ever hit her?
No... But I would have liked to
If my kids would be OK with it, I would leave
I would have to leave
And try to ensure somehow that they are being raised properly, from a distance. But would it be possible? I don't know