WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN
COLBERT.
(APPLAUSE) DID YOU HAVE A LOVELY WEEKEND?
I I HOPE YOU HAD A WONDERFUL
HOLIDAY WEEKEND.
THIS ONE WAS EXTRA SPECIAL, BECAUSE IT WAS EASTER, PASSOVER,
RAMADAN, AND A FULL MOON.
SO IT WAS EXTRA BUSY TIME FOR INTERFAITH WEREWOLVES.
OVER AT THE WHITE HOUSE THEY CELEBRATED TODAY WITH THE FIRST
EASTER EGG ROLL SINCE THE PANDEMIC STARTED.
IT'S SO NICE WE CAN GATHER AGAIN, AND WATCH THE CHILDREN
SAFELY HAVE THEIR EGG RACE, WHILE WE GAMBLE BIG MONEY ON FAN
DUEL.
LET'S GO PINK JACKET IF I DON'T COME ON PINK JACK ELEVATOR, IF I
DON'T PAY THE EASTER BUNNY, HE'S GONNA
TAKE MY THUMBS.
PINK JACKET, GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME C'MON GO BABY, GO BABY
GO RUN FOR THE ROSES, COME ON.
(APPLAUSE) NOW, I OWE A LOT OF MONEY.
I OWE A LOT OF PEOPLE A LOT OF MONEY, JON.
PRESIDENT BIDEN GAVE A SPEECH DURING THE EVENT, AND HE CALLED
OUT THE GUEST OF HONOR: >> IT MEANS SO MUCH TO SEE AND
HEAR THE CHILDREN AND ALL THE FAMILIES SHOW UP TO BE HERE
TODAY; THE JOY, THE LAUGHTER, AND THE OCCASIONAL- AT LEAST
WITH MY YOUNG GRANDSON WHO IS ONLY TWO, THE OCCASIONAL--
THERE'S THE EASTER BUNNY.
A LITTLE STARTLED SOMETIMES.
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "YEAH, IT'S THE EASTER BUNNY!
OOH HEY WATCH OUT, GIANT RABBITS CAN BE SCARY, JACK!
HOLD ON, BUDDY.
BACK IN SCRANTON, POPS USED TO SAY TO ME, 'HEY JOEY, DON'T LOOK
A BUNNY SQUARE IN THE EYE, OR IT'LL TEAR YOUR FACE STRAIGHT
OFF.
BUNNIES ARE NOTHIN' BUT A DRESSED-UP RACCOON RABIES
VECTOR.
YOU GOTTA ARM-WRESTLE 'EM TO GET THEIR PRECIOUS EGGS.
IT'S ALL IN THE BIBLE.
DELETED SCENES, BOOK OF PEEPS.
OH WATCH OUT GET BEHIND ME, JILL!
COME ON, JACKRABBIT!" (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
TODAY WAS ALSO TAX DAY, OR AS JEFF BEZOS SAYS, NO, IT'S NOT.
IF YOU PROCRASTINATED, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
AS OF LAST WEEK, 40% OF THIS YEAR'S TAXPAYERS WERE STILL
UNACCOUNTED FOR, WITH MANY SCRAMBLING TO SUBMIT THEIR
DOCUMENTS TODAY.
IN FACT, GOOGLE'S TOP SEARCH TERM TODAY WAS:
"WHAT IS 1099 HOW TO GET FACE TRANSPLANT AND MOVE TO MEXICO
TONIGHT."
THE MID TERM FOR THOSE WITH KAL OWNERS ARE JUST SEVEN MONTHS
AWAY AND THE CULTURE WARS ARE RAGING IN ANTICIPATION OF THE
VOTE, GROUNDS ZEREAU FOR ITS CULTURAL WARS IS FLOOR DA, THEY
PASSED SOMETHING CALLED HB-7 WHICH PROHIBITS ANY TEACHING
THAT COULD MAKE STUDENTS FEEL THEY BEAR PERSONAL
RESPONSIBILITY FOR HISTORIC WRONGS BECAUSE OF THEIR RACE,
COLOR, SEX OR NATIONAL ORIGIN.
BUT YOU CAN'T REALLY TELL THE STORY OF AMERICA WITHOUT TALKING
ABOUT HISTORIC WRONGS.
WHAT IS HISTORY CLASS IN FLORIDA GOING TO BE LIKE NOW?
(AS TEACHER) "TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO LEARN
THAT IN 1492, COLUMBUS SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE, BLAH BLAH BLAH.
THE NEW "BATMAN" IS NOW STREAMING ON HBO MAX.
COME AND GET YOUR DIPLOMA."
AND THIS CENSORSHIP ISN'T JUST AFFECTING HISTORY CLASS, BECAUSE
THIS WEEKEND WE LEARNED THAT FLORIDA REJECTED 41% OF NEW MATH
TEXTBOOKS.
AT LEAST THEY THINK IT'S 41%.
FOR SOME REASON, THEY JUST SUCK AT MATH.
SO WHY THE WAR AGAINST ARITHMETIC?
THE FLORIDA EDUCATION DEPARTMENT EXPLAINED THAT REASONS FOR
REJECTING TEXTBOOKS INCLUDED REFERENCES TO CRITICAL RACE
THEORY WHICH THE FLORIDA LEGISLATURE SAYS INCLUDES
THEORIES THAT DISTORT HISTORICAL EVENTS.
EXPLAINS THE UPDATED UNIT ON DIVISION,
"A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF, HEY--THAT'S TWO HOUSES NICE."
FLORIDA OFFICIALS DID NOT NAME THE REJECTED TEXTBOOKS NOR
PROVIDE EXAMPLES OF PASSAGES THAT FAILED TO MEET THE
CRITERIA, BUT, DESCRIBED THE REVIEW PROCESS AS TRANSPARENT.
I GUESS THEY ALSO BANNED DICTIONARIES, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT
WHAT TRANSPARENT MEANS.
(APPLAUSE) , SURE, DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE,
RIGHT, JON.
WHILE THE BANNED BOOKS REMAIN A MYSTERY, HERE AT
"THE LATE SHOW," WE HAVE RECEIVED A COPY OF A
NEWLY-APPROVED FLORIDA MATH PROBLEM:
"CONGRESSMAN MATT GAETZ AND 2 FRIENDS HAVE 10 OUNCES OF
COCAINE.
THERE ARE 12 PEOPLE AT THE PARTY, THREE OF THEM ARE GIRLS
UNDER 18.
WHAT SHOULD HE CALL IT ON THE VENMO TRANSACTION?"
CHEESIER CHEESIER SCHOOL SUPPLIES, THE CORRECTS ANSWER IS
SCHOOL SUPPLIES.
ONE OF THE ENGINEERS ON THE EXPRESS TO RIGHTWING CRAZY TOWN
IS FOX NEWS HOST TUCKER CARLSON, SEEN HERE PICTURING THE GREEN
M&M WITHOUT HER CANDY SHELL.
NOW, I'M GENERALLY HESITANT TO TALK ABOUT TUCKER, BECAUSE HE
JUST SAYS AND DOES STUPID THINGS FOR ATTENTION.
BUT THIS ONE'S SO STUPID IT GOT MY ATTENTION.
YOU SEE, TUCKER HAS A NEW DOCUMENTARY ON THE DE-BRO-ING OF
AMERICA.
I'LL LET HIM EXPLAIN?
>> ONE OF THE BIGGEST STORIES IN OUR LIFETIMES IS THE TOTAL
COLLAPSE IN TESTOSTERONE LEVELS IN AMERICAN MEN.
THOSE LEVELS ARE DECLINING BY ROUGHLY 10% PER DECADE,
COMPLETELY CHANGING THE WAY PEOPLE ARE AT THE MOST
FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL.
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T THINK MY LEVEL OF
TESTOSTERONE DOES DEFINE ME AT THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL, BUT
MAYBE I ONLY THINK THAT BECAUSE I HAVE LOW TESTOSTERONE.
I THOUGHT IT WAS MY SOUL, THAT IS WHAT I THOUGHT.
NOW, ACCORDING TO THIS CRAZY MOTHER-TUCKER, IT'S A BIG
PROBLEM.
THE TRAILER BEGINS WITH A HISTORIC LOOK BACK AT THE LOSS
OF THE AMERICA'S PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS:
>> I WELCOME THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SPEAK TO THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA
ABOUT A SUBJECT WHICH I BELIEVE TO BE MOST IMPORTANT AND THAT IS
THE SUBJECT OF PHYSICAL FITNESS.
THERE IS NOTHING I THINK MORE UNFORTUNATE THAN TO HAVE A SOFT,
CHUBBY, FAT LOOKING CHILDREN.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, J.F.K.
WAS FAMOUS FOR FAT-SHAMING KIDS.
WHO CAN FORGET THIS MOMENT: >> ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN
DO FOR YOU.
ASK WHY TIMMY'S SUCH A TUBBY TUBBY 2x4, COULDN'T GET THROUGH
THE BERLIN WALL.
THAT WAS A CRUEL MAN.
>> Stephen: THE TRAILER MOVES FROM HISTORY TO A LOT OF SWEATY,
SHIRTLESS MEN.
>> Narrator: ONCE A SOCIETY COLLAPSES THEN, YOU'RE IN HARD
TIMES.
IRON SHARPENS IRON, AS THEY SAY.
AND THOSE HARD TIMES.
THOSE HARD TIMES INEVITABLY PRODUCE MEN WHO ARE TOUGH, MEN
WHO ARE RESOURCEFUL, MEN WHO ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO SURVIVE.
AND THEN THEY GO ON TO RE-ESTABLISH ORDER.
AND SO THE CYCLE BEGINS AGAIN.
>> Stephen: GOTTA SAY, COMING FROM A FOX NEWS ANCHOR, THAT IS
A REFRESHING AND POSITIVE CELEBRATION OF HOMOEROTICISM.
GOOD FOR YOU, FELLAS.
GOOD FOR YOU. YOU KNOW?
(APPLAUSE) ALSO, IF THEY ARE WORRIED ABOUT
LEVELS OF TESTOSTERONE, LAST TIME I CHECKED TESTOSTERONE
GIVES YOU BODY HAIR, THOSE GUYS ARE SMOOTH AS AN EEL.
AMONG MANY STRANGE MOMENTS IN THIS TRAILER, THERE'S ONE THAT
REALLY CAUGHT MY ATTENTION.
IT'S A MAN MILKING A COW WITHOUT A BUCKET.
AND I'M SHEER TO TELL YOU, I'M NOT FARMER BROWN, BUT I'M HERE
TO TELL YOU, UNLESS YOU GOT A BUCKET, YOU'RE
NOT MILKING.
YOU'RE A COW FONDLER.
OKAY?
NO, AND YET, AND YET, MY FRIENDS,
SOMEHOW, IT GETS WEIRDER.
IS THAT MAN SCANNING HIS PENIS AT THE SELF-CHECKOUT?
BLEEP!
UM, UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA.
(LAUGHTER) , CLEAN UP.
NOW IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT THAT
WASnd A I HOPE YOU ARE, TUCKER EXPLAINED IT IN THIS
PROMOTIONAL INTERVIEW FOR THE DOC.
>> IF YOU WANT TO OPTIMIZE AND TAKE IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL, EXPOSE
YOURSELF TO RED LIGHT THERAPY.
AND THE JUVE THAT WE WERE USING IN THE DOCUMENTARY, THERE'S A
MASSIVE AMOUNT OF EVIDENCE WHICH IS TESTICLE TANNING.
>> Stephen: I'M NO UROLOGIST, BUT IF THE LORD INTENDED
TESTICLE HEALTH TO INCLUDE A LOT OF SUNLIGHT, I THINK HE WOULD
HAVE PUT 'EM WHERE THE SUN DO SHINE.
LIKE ON YOUR SHOULDERS, O SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW?
BUT THERE IT IS, TUCKER'S PROMOTING TESTICLE TANNING.
WHICH IS SURPRISING, BECAUSE LAST TIME I CHECKED, HE IS THE
WHITEST DICK EVER.
(LAUGHTER) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JULIA ROBERTS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE JOIN US.