There's probably a dozen or more good reasons to figure out how to pull this
off. I'm going to help you out today with how to get a toddler to sleep in their
own bed. The secret to how to get a toddler to sleep in their own bed is
that you gotta have a vending machine in your house. Wait,
vending... Vending machine? Did Dr. Paul just say I need a vending machine in my
house? What? Yes. You need a vending machine in your house as opposed to a
slot machine. Have you seen the difference? I was in Vegas for a
conference and every buffet that you visit in Vegas, you have to go through
the casino to get there. And it's just full of slot machines. How does a slot
machine work? Someone puts in their coin or their token or their card or what
however they're going to pay. And they get an opportunity to play. So they push
the button or pull the little arm and what happens? The lights flash, the music
comes on and the wheel spins and it ends with a loss. Typically. Typically, it's a
loss, right? They don't build those huge casinos based on winners. Do the
math. The house wins. Now occasionally... Occasionally, I can win, right? If I'm
playing the slots, it'll be like, "Oh, nothing. Darn." Put in more money or tokens,
try it again. "Oh, darn." Try it again. *ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding* Oh,
wow! I won. They even pipe sounds in. At least I heard this from someone who's in
that know in the gaming industry. Just to give the impression that people are
winning occasionally. And they are. Occasionally. Not consistently. Do you see
how a slot machine works and people will play those things all day and all night.
Why? Because the it just might. It just might pay
off. Are you a slot machine with your kids? Like they try something with you
and you're like, "No, I'm setting a limit." And they're like, "Oh, darn. Lost." And then
they try again. To try it again and they try it again. And finally you're like, "Oh
fine." And you break down and they win. As opposed to a vending machine how does a
vending machine work? You put in your money or your token or swipe your card
and you make your selection. And the product comes out every time. What if it
doesn't? Well, you go complain to the management, right? You don't want to get
your money back or at least get your product. Because the vending machine is
supposed to deliver. Do you put in more money? No, not until you know that it's
going to pay off, right? That's the difference between a slot machine and a
vending machine. When I started out with saying, you need to have a vending
machine, we got to work on our consistency as parents. Because if we've
been a slot machine in the past, our kids are going to continue to play us. This is
especially prominent when we're trying to help toddlers to sleep in their own
bed. Because what have they done in the past. And think about it. You've got a
toddler, okay? Now, not everybody is in the same
position. But let's just say that you've got a toddler who's got their own bed
and it's over there in their room and it's cute. You've done it up real nice
for them, right? It's ready to go. And they were even excited about it. "Oh, yey! My
own bed." And they're showing it off to Grandma and Grandpa and friends and
everybody. "My own bed. Look at this." And then bedtime comes, what happens? They
want to hop in with you, why? Because that's where they're used to sleeping or
that's where they were before they got their own bed. Whatever the situation is,
that's what they're used to. Now, have you tried to get them to sleep in their own
bed? Oh yeah, you've tried. But it doesn't always work out that way, right?
Inadvertently, without even knowing, we've become a slot machine and her kids are
going to play us. Sometimes you have to establish that
you're a vending machine first. In other words, being very, very consistent. So if
you've tried on and off and it hasn't worked and you've given up and you've
been a slot machine, then what I would suggest to start out with is just let
them sleep however they were sleeping before. For
several nights in a row. And you make a big deal out of it. It's like, "Oh, you
don't sleep in your own bed tonight. You sleep with mom, okay?" And tomorrow night,
same thing. "Oh, you don't sleep in your own bed tonight, you sleep with mom." What
are we trying to do? We're establishing a vending machine.
So, that what you say is what they get. So that when they play it, it always has the
same outcome. You see where we're going? Establish the consistency because when
it comes time for them to sleep in their own bed, we're going to have to remain
consistent with that too. So, when that time comes make sure that you are ready. I've
had parents ask me all the time. "How do I know when my kids ready to sleep in
their own bed?" Well, they're ready. They are developmentally capable of it. Yes,
your kids ready. Who's not ready? It's you. Make sure you're ready. Because there's
probably going to be some resistance. There's going to be an effort to get you
to change back. This is called the extinction curve. When we change the
rules on our kids, first thing that goes on in their mind especially if we've
been a slot machine in the past, is "Oh, my gosh. I must be losing my touch. I better
turn up the volume." And they insist more strongly or with more power or volume or
zest or zeal that they want what they want. Well, what happens if you give in to
them at that point? Oh, yeah. I just got to play that slot
machine a little longer and I'll win. Yeah, be a vending machine so make sure
that you're ready. If you are emotionally triggered by the idea of bedtime, then
you need some work before we even present this to the kiddos. Just be
honest about that, okay? If you're triggered by
the idea of bedtime, it means you're not emotionally ready for this. You got to be
ready for, "Yeah, I'm ready for this. I got this. There's going to be noise? No problem. I
got it." And maybe we can help you with that with some of the other tips. Once
you make sure that you're ready for this,, present it to the child as a limit or a
rule or the way things are. Not as a, "Hey, do you want to sleep in your own bed,
tonight?" See, if I phrase it as a question, it gives the opportunity for them saying,
"No, I don't want to sleep in my own bed tonight." And then we've got a problem,
right? I would prefer that you present it in this way. "You get to sleep in your own
bed tonight. Or "Tonight's a night when you get to sleep in your own bed." Okay, so
you presented as a limit not as a choice. That just eliminates some of the
problems up front. Now, to be clear, they still have choices. But you as a parent
have decided where they will be sleeping. Okay, now they get to decide, "Am I going
to do this willingly or am I going to scream and holler? Am I going to throw a
tantrum or am I going to cooperate?" See, they always have choices but you've
decided where they're going to be for the night.
I'd strongly suggests as you're setting yourself up as a vending machine
and not a slot machine. That you have a routine established for bedtime. You've
probably already done this. Give it a little bit of attention and make sure
that there is some kind of a predictable routine that prepares both the child and
everybody else in the house for what's about to happen.
So, the bedtime probably is going to start sometime after dinner and some
time before you want them to be quiet and with lights out in their bed. The
routine might include things like brushing teeth or saying their prayers.
Or putting on their pajamas or having a story read by mom or dad. All of these
things are legitimate parts of the routine. Have something in place where it
triggers and prepares the little mind for, "Okay, we're going to
be moving into bed soon." When it comes time for the bedtime itself, that simply
part of the routine. And the routine works in your favor. I would encourage
you... As you think about this routine, keep it pleasant. Keep it happy, keep it
positive. This will help them to have a better experience with it and will be
conducive to healthy sleep patterns as well. When push comes to shove, you've got
to be ready and capable of enforcing what you have set up as the standard. So,
it might be that they get to stay in their bedroom.
Now, whether they're screaming or not, you don't control, okay? And make sure that
they have all of their needs met. We don't want them to be you know deprived
of the drink of water that they seem to need every 3 minutes after they've
been sent to bed. And make sure they have what they need is part of the routine.
And when you're comfortable that it's time for bed, be ready to enforce keeping
them in that area. They still have some choices and you can set it up. For
example you can say, "You get to sleep in your bed tonight. You need to stay in
your room tonight. You can stay in their screaming with the door shut or quiet
with the door open." See, these are the kinds of choices that you're going to
give them. And then you're ready to sit there by the door and enforce this and
as long as you need to. You have to last a little longer than
you want to or than you think you can sometimes. But probably not as long as
you fear. Remember they're going to try to outlast you and see if they can get the
slot-machine effect. See if they can get you to pay off at least occasionally. If
you're consistent and hold the limit, they will learn very quickly that you're
a vending machine and that they need to conform to that limit that you've set. A
final word about you and the culture of this change that you're going to be
working on to get your toddler to sleep in their own bed. Keep it positive. Keep a
perspective or an expectation. Let's just put it in those terms. You're expecting a
positive outcome. If you go into it with this fear of, "It's never going to work." Then
you're going to cave in. If you go into it with an expectation of, "This is going to
work. This is going to create more peace and love and joy in our home." It might
take a little while to change the pattern. Especially if you've been a slot
machine in the past. Keep a positive expectation. Expecting. Do you remember
when the kid was not here yet but you were expecting? Well, there's difficult
and challenging things about expecting a baby. But you know at the end of this
thing, there's going to be a baby there. Nobody's 10 months pregnant. So at some
point, this phase will end. Expect it to end favorably and in a positive way. And
that helps you to weather some of the storms that are going to happen. So that
might be more than you ever wanted to know about slot machines and vending
machines. I hope that's helpful. And if you're liking what you find here
on the channel, Vicki and I have put together a course
where we have 18 different segments of specific parenting strategies and advice
that I think you're going to find helpful. It's the Parenting Power-Up. You've heard
about it. It's time to click on it right over there and check it out.