hot towels are these hot everything's
hot man
how you doing Theo I'm good
[Music]
hey what's going on everybody four first
we feast I'm Sean Evans and you're
watching hot ones it's the show with hot
questions and even hotter wings and
today we're joined by Theo von you can
catch them on the dark arts tour coming
to a city near you is special no offense
is on Netflix now Andy has a podcast
this past weekend which is available on
Apple Spotify YouTube and wherever else
you get your pots Theo van welcome to
the show
thank you for having me here I'm happy
to be here with you and the and this
poultry daddy and I know that you're a
Louisiana boy do you practice the dark
art of eating spicy food or no actually
I got a pepper stuck in my ear when I
was young and you know there's a lot of
there's a lot of ways people naturally
take peppers into the body right right
when you take it through that you know
past that lobe over that frickin lobe
baby that's uh that's some absorbent
tissue oh dude you know you never really
hear the same and you always hear fire
trucks after that your people crying
you're the double-wall you know once
you've had that burn inside of you
[Music]
okay oh it's already on there it's
already on there oh wow I thought they
put it on there oh this is cool is
behind the scenes mm-hmm
[Music]
so you've described your childhood in
Covington Louisiana as white trash and
it's clear from watching your standup
that it has a big influence in your
comedy what's the story behind having to
track down infected monkeys when there
was an escape at a primate research
facility in your hometown yeah on 1994
70 infected monkeys got out and they the
cops came in goddess got the tallest
kids to help him find him so I was out
there you know [ __ ] wrangling chips
would you look at him in the eye do
outside of a wind he's up a [ __ ]
highway 190 brother they don't look at
you like you guys have ever met how'd
you capture him did you use like fruit
traps or something or just your bare
hands a lot of his nose
haha damn you're looking for [ __ ]
death dude you'll die if you go near
jump with your hands out like this so
we'll be you waiting little pieces of
Sean Evans on here does Covington
acknowledge the fact that it's the
birthplace of Lee Harvey Oswald or is
that a fun fact they try to keep to
themselves I think it's kind of low-key
I mean I know he used to live on our
street it's not there's not a lot of
relics or anything like that you know we
actually have a stall the tallest statue
of Ronald Reagan is that he's tall yeah
it's a big Ronnie if you liked him you
know something you can hang your hat on
are you ready to move on Theo yeah you
got a ladder you can I'm ready
oh wow boy so what are your more
ridiculous freetime hobbies is crank
texting random numbers and sometimes
having these months long conversations
with total strangers
have you ever developed romantic
feelings for somebody that you're a
crank texting or vice versa yeah
Oh vice verse I think they did I don't
know if they did cuz I couldn't see them
but I believe that they did do the
funnest thing though I would text like
nine numbers in a group just random
numbers and I would be like yeah I feel
like Randall just won first place
brought up just found a picture of just
Google like Asian boy with trophy and
found like a random picture of like an
Asian kid with the trophy and I sent it
to everybody and people would be like
good for him and then somebody like this
who the [ __ ] is Randall and somebody
else feel like take me off of this chain
you know and I'm like y'all [ __ ] y'all
y'all weren't there do you guys to
support his kid and so he have all these
people like it argued about this
fictional Viet with this trophy you know
beautiful and that's my America really
you know but thanks for asking about it
but yeah I mean it was you know I quit
doing it because now the laws are a
little bit different I think now it's
more risque and there were some times
maybe I'm not like super proud of it but
anyway I don't know why I'm just
rambling I'm kind of nervous I guess you
are yeah the Spicer's at me it's this
cream colored hoodie right that's have
chris d'elia flashbacks right here does
he dress you you know what me and chris
ran into each other at Equinox yesterday
we had a nice chat yeah bet you did and
he straight-up [ __ ] Voldemort ooh
that shirt on - yeah dude that guy you
know his [ __ ] his dogs are on his
Instagram they're not even really his oh
lady brings him over and they using them
pictures and takes him home damn let's
break in news Rob you just got exposed
crazy look dude somebody has to man
somebody has to take that tall fellow
down and you know he used to manage a
macaroni grill and he doesn't talk about
that really yeah and I made that up
as the closest I've ever been to like on
a date with a man it's good so being
from New Orleans I know that you're a
huge Saints fan and I don't mean to dig
up any old wounds but is it true that
you had an ex-girlfriend cheating on you
with one of the offensive linemen damn
boy you guys are good yes I did at least
one of them you know she's a prolific
woman yes I did and one time she took me
to a game he got the T given her the
tickets and she took me to the game
we're sitting in his seat and I was just
sitting there cheering for him I don't
even know do you think that it was just
a bad call that kept the Saints out of
the Super Bowl this year do you think
it's possible that there was something
more sinister at play I still blend the
play calling you know Sean Payton wants
to be cute all the time do you have a
favorite Manning brother what about the
one with the short arms Cooper who's
that one with the short arms yeah he's
gotta be super Doug cool well yeah he's
[ __ ] throwing mortgages to people bro
I went to a party one time when uh Eli
was in college and I went to a party at
his apartment
and he wore a cowboy hat I thought it
was a weirdest [ __ ] thing I'd ever
seen in my life dude do it huh we
haven't even had to touch this milk huh
what's your beef with Denny's bro dude
you're nice a joke that whoa someone
caught me hmm hey him brah it gets real
like somebody's [ __ ] broke in the back
door you know I guess I'm gonna left
that key under the pot bro something
[ __ ] caught me mm-hmm head on a
swivel yeah it just started to get to
the point where it was like I just felt
like a victim every time I left there
and I didn't feel good about myself and
I would leave Denny's but doesn't he was
just like food it's like you're just
programmed to go in there keep are
always fistfight if there were anything
else they'd shut it down have you
noticed this trend of fast food chains
putting together comedy Twitter accounts
yeah do you ever take on that you have
the are beautiful one is the best man
[ __ ] with the Arby's 102 I love to see
that big hat [ __ ] fist fight grimace
bro I say these people should get out on
the street you know I say take it from
the tweet to the street son you know I'd
love to see that big Arby's hat [ __ ]
this pie couple of them fry guys or
whatever that little fellas names are
you know the Wendy's chick on the top
rope high elbow just comes in dude just
an angry redhead just [ __ ] flying and
then Carl's jr. gets in there whatever
he is you know
[Applause]
i doing so far Theo I feel like very
good yeah I feel like good to man I was
so scared
really oh dude I was so scared man
and I felt bad mom miles putting her
husband in a hospice stays like
90-something man I'm sorry to hear that
me - sorry I should have said that but
then I'm trying to tell her about this -
hot wings I'm about to eat this is so
selfish I was like mom it's can't [ __ ]
she's like he's got 48 hours so like I
know I know I know yeah I'm not to kill
these chicken wings ya about eatin these
[ __ ] goddamn it but so far so good
yeah so far so good I feel we have a
recurring segment on our show called
explaining that Graham where do a deep
dive under gas and simple interesting
pictures that need more context so I'll
bust out the laptop I'll show you the
picture you just tell me the bigger
story does that sound good yeah
all right laptop please
[Music]
all right Theo what was your biggest
challenge in climbing Mount Kilimanjaro
probably doing duties outdoors at that
altitude you know I'm used to operating
my ass and basically sea level and you
know below sea level even from Louisiana
but you know you got a whole different
[ __ ] culture inside of you that
altitude it is different huh yeah it is
and you almost have to have a buddy you
gotta have like a little like a [ __ ]
shaman yeah
but I recommend Kilimanjaro to anybody
because it's not that hard to do and it
can be a nice time to spend with other
people where'd you have a better time at
the run fair or the field of dreams
house wow you guys have good questions
dude I forgot about my own life dude the
Ren Faire is really a front for people
doing drugs there's like a drug sex orgy
over that the run fair it's kind of out
of control yeah you have a lot of people
that you can tell they've been up all
night doing sex or sweating and uh some
up if you really listen you can hear
them fighting about it's regular [ __ ]
you know oh and each other money for
grams and all of this [ __ ] and it's like
I pick up on that stuff you know these
subtleties going on you know so I'm like
you see these two dudes fighting with
wooden swords and one of them's [ __ ]
really in it you know one of them's
fighting is trying to fight his way back
and a half of an 8-ball the people that
go there you see a lot of big tits tied
up you know which I like seeing but that
field of dreams if you've never been
there Dyersville Iowa man you're just
driving along and it's definitely worth
driving off the interstate board
[Music]
I feel bad man I feel like I'm doing all
the talking you know but that's how it
goes you know that yeah this guy do you
feel do you feel like when you're
hosting a guest like what
responsibilities do you think you have
um ought to be questioned you know I
just want to keep the conversation just
honestly just as comfortable as I can
these days I feel like people like that
what do you think is different about
when you're a guest versus when you're
hosting like sometimes I go on other
shows and I feel this ridiculous anxiety
because I feel like I have to keep the
whole tent up right you know and that
actually makes you kind of an annoying
guest
yeah you know when you should just kind
of just sit there and they'll put a ball
on a tee for you and you just smack it
and then you just load up and smack
another ball but I always feel like you
know I'm taking over like encroaching
like a responsibility and then you might
feel bad even if you do sometimes yeah
yeah yeah that is it is uncomfortable
it's uncomfortable kind of doing both
sides of some of the stuff would you do
before this ma'am I was a copywriter
were you really yeah you ever go on like
the subway that's like visit Wyoming and
there's like a picture of a bison or
something I was like doing that for
Chicago and like in a cubicle or
whenever Italy yeah but then does it
keep my eye of the tiger I would do like
freelance articles for different
magazines I was like ooh Chicago guy it
was kind of a crazy time in my life
because I'm working like 80 hours a week
every week and I was already working
this job that was kind of demanding in
its own right and then I'd have all
these deadlines floating above me
constantly so that was the time in my
life I don't regret it because I
wouldn't be where I am now write about
it
but I don't think I could ever relive it
where do you think you got that work
ethic from that's a lot of work to do
you know it's probably looking at myself
and maybe feeling like I could do better
or be better you know like sometimes
you'll see somebody who's got like a
12-pack or whatever but it's like
they're kind of perfecting on the
outside what's broken on the inside you
know it ends up creating this Drive in
them like this spot that they didn't
even know they have right and I think
maybe professionally I was experiencing
the same thing I feel like it's well
back in Europe yeah like I couldn't
put down stakes in this cubicle and just
wear khakis to work Monday through
Thursday and then have the Friday where
I can wear jeans and then I'm like a
slave to this microsoft outlook inbox
and getting like gee chats and like
working on things that I don't give a
[ __ ] about it's like that was like death
to me like I started getting really into
the Chicago Bulls and I was like oh
that's how that happens no like Bulls
yeah cuz like yeah I'm like I'm like
assigning my own sense of self-worth to
how good this team does and I was like
that's how this [ __ ] happens then you're
eating every [ __ ] anniversary over at
Edna Bewick's or whatever that place is
yeah and I'm getting like the the
cupcake with the one yeah and that would
be the rest of my life and you're
[ __ ] killing yourself in a car
outside of Hardee's brother do do you
know how that happens that's how that
spirals actually love Hardee's which the
tallest girl he ever dated be honest
though when I was in eighth grade I
dated this volleyball chick that was
like 510 but I was like five three years
and then I'm the cover then on the cover
of like the 8th grade paper there's like
a picture from the eighth grade dance
and we're slow dancing and I'm around
her hips and she's like I'm at like her
waist my mom bought every copy like at
graduation came home in just a box those
papers she was so proud that's the most
ridiculous picture gonna [ __ ]
structure sweater vest yeah yeah
structure bra yeah structure was awesome
dude that's awesome bro that's the [ __ ]
it's like you're like her son you know
yeah
[Laughter]
[Music]
I had bronchitis but it's not contagious
but dude my first girlfriend at real
short hair you know kind of like a young
man like a Frenchman and she when the
bus would come dude she was much
stronger than me she would like lift me
up and [ __ ] hit me a kiss goodbye and
all my brother and his friends will be
on the bus cuz it picked him up first
she was literally [ __ ] I couldn't
stop her she played second base man I
think we got molested
[Music]
damn man [ __ ] thank you so much
this one's eaten up boy as a southern
boy who ended up in Hollywood what's one
way that la has changed you for the
better in one way that's changed you for
the worse
the scary thing you start becoming a
straight-up wiener out here bro you know
dude it's like if you start worrying
about everything you eat you know like
you just start everything like it gets a
little windy you [ __ ] get scared you
know the yoga this morning had some
green juice recently had an acai ball
yesterday hey dude I mean Jesus bro you
know if I even if I can show that to a
friend of mine at home dirty [ __ ]
probably just put me in it you know just
choke me out
whoa whoa the air feels different
[Music]
whoa boy this one's got some this was
articulate right out of the gate what do
you keep looking at me like that dude
part of its from a place of empathy part
of me sees like sorry
don't apologize feels right oh wow
Ambra
[Music]
I just remembered some from old time ago
strong huh yeah gar easy fast huh you
know that's the ticket
be it fast that's the hack that's the
tip just a heat hack
all right Theo von you can see the
mullet on top of your head it is a sight
to behold if I've ever seen one
you're really a connoisseur of the
business in front party in the back look
so what I want to do is show you some of
the other iconic mullets and pop culture
history and I just want to know if you
can say who they belong to
okay Jesus Christ dude up first are you
[ __ ] talking to me right now
[ __ ] man I forgot [ __ ] like a damn
breech birth like I'm [ __ ] coming out
backwards yovan born again okay honey
that is [ __ ] uh Tony little gazelle
freestyler guy sells them Chuck Norris
it's not Norris it's Christ this semen
nothing too careful run your eyes oh
honey that is Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Ellen DeGeneres go into generous oh yeah
[Music]
Wow
it's a Helen DeGeneres huh Deden this
guy Daniel you don't know this guy this
didn't got from my hometown is it no I
did not dig that deep I don't uh I don't
know Andre Agassi and then one more for
you Sharon Osbourne David Bowie all
right
bringin bringin reom what we got you I'm
sorry
some lifelines sometimes it's gonna
[ __ ] help dude Jesus Christ bro it
get hurt
hey you're drowning here's some water
here's an eyedropper hot towels Bravo
are these hot everything's [ __ ] hot
man how you doing Theo I'm good
I'm sorry I'm getting kind of aggressive
get violent baby
a young brothers [ __ ] just feels like
[ __ ] it's remodeling me bruh you know
it feels like it knows me at a core
level dude I gotta call mr. Soto my
[ __ ] math science teacher when I was
young I feel like I'm doing something
happening let's go
here's the oh oh oh he's got to get it
fast that's the tip oh yeah Pete heck
how do you find local spots to eat when
you're on the road like do you Yelp I
call Joey Diaz he can tell you when you
70 feet away from a good Ruben bra
anywhere in America the guy's like a GPS
am Mich brother guy can [ __ ] it
oh yes yeah yeah you're 40 yards from a
[ __ ] Turkey I'm WIC or something you
know I'm in Buffalo he's like I look
across the street you see a bowling
alley like yeah you know I looked her
right there's an old lady out there I
said yeah she's smoking yeah [ __ ] go
in there bro like the dude is a parking
very bizarre bro the dark art store is
going to Australia in May yeah what are
you looking forward to the most and what
are you scared of stand up while I'm
scared of the snakes you know eight of
the most 11 dangerous snakes ever live
in Australia because they network you
know I'm saying you think they all just
ended up there so stuff like that they
got animals over there that smoke weed
I've seen on the internet people talk
they sound you know everybody sounded
like they have like you know like a
little mini stroke or something you know
it's [ __ ] great and they're excited
if someone has travelled the country
doing comedy
what's one tourist attraction that was a
huge disappointment when you saw it in
real life for me Stonehenge Stonehenge
really yeah
dude they don't give a [ __ ] about
Stonehenge it's like a rest area there's
like a place to piss there and like a
little they are like every time they
give you the past like you really
[ __ ] here to see it you go see it and
it's really nothing that's just like
some rocks and like but we make it to be
out this big thing like it's kind of
waterslide add it's literally right off
the side of the interstate like you
think it's gonna be in like this secret
place and they don't give a [ __ ] man so
I think they just made it exciting for
us you know
[Music]
all right Theo von this is the last time
we call it the last tab because it's
tradition around here to put a little
extra on the last way up brother is it
really previous making that up dude you
know it is you don't have to if you
don't want to how all go [ __ ] go deep
with you dawg you Neil Armstrong I'm
Buzz Aldrin daddy I'm ready to [ __ ]
rearrange my chromosomes dawg you know
what I'm saying
all right here is how autism brother
[Music]
enough to hear huh
there's a Haiti hitter baby
I feel violet here we are at the end of
our run we're at the top of spicy wing
Kilimanjaro and as your fans know you've
been leading this charge against the
dark arts for years on your podcast so
on this wing we're hoping that you can
shine some of that light onto our hot
ones viewers at home yes sir it's hot
sauce a part of the bright arts are part
of the dark arts I thought it was a lot
darker than I thought it's gonna be a
lot darker man I think you really
brighten it up man
thank you for you so I think we just
depends on who your liaison is I think
who who your leader is cuz yeah this
could have gone this could have gone
hella sideways I think it was with
someone else
you know do the best you can even
sometimes if you don't want to well that
is great advice Theo von and look at you
ten chicken wings up ten chicken wings
down you're gonna be so proud and now
there's nothing all right Charlie two
are up here Charlie
all right Pete Charlie and now I'm gonna
roll out the red carpet for you my
friend this camera this camera this
camera let the people know what you have
going on in your life Oh
I'll be doing the dark arts tour doing
stand-up comedy in different cities
around America and the world and outside
of that app a podcast called this past
weekend and a new podcast with my friend
Brendan Schaub called the king in the
sting and both time I think are pretty
enjoyable and I'm just honored to cinema
see where a lot of other people that
might have sat so I really appreciate
you having me man this is super cool
this is like this has been like I
remember seeing this and being like all
man would be so cool to do that one day
so thank you guys people vomit
hey what's going on everybody this is
Sean Evans checking in with a quick hot
sauce update if you'd like to try the
classic Louis Caliente so the last abra
ducks heat nice calm heat nice calm has
you covered if hot sauce isn't your
thing maybe check out a t-shirt or a
hoodie over at shop complex calm and if
none of that interests you I have been
really getting into macho lately matcha
latte as much as smoothies matcha
pudding I don't know how I went 32 years
on this planet without discovering
matcha but now I have and it has been a
complete game-changer
we don't sell any matcha products
whatsoever but I'm just saying you
should try it out