♪♪
♪ ♪ ♪ >> WELCOME BACK.
IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, I'M SAM WATERSTON.
AND IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US NOW, HELLO, I'M SAM WATERSTON.
SO FAR, WE HAVE SEEN STEPHEN COLBERT VALIANTLY COVER THE
CHAOTIC EARLY DAYS OF THIS CAMPAIGN.
BUT WE NOW TURN TO--
OH, SORRY.
I SHOULD TAKE THIS.
HELLO?
>> Stephen: HEY, SAM WATERSTON.
>> STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: YEAH, I JUST TURNED ON MY TV, AND I SEE YOU'RE DOING
SOME KIND OF CLIP SHOW EPISODE OF MY SHOW, OR SOMETHING?
>> YOU GOT IT, BIG GUY.
>> Stephen: TONIGHT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A RERUN.
I DON'T KNOW WHO SIGNED OFF ON THIS OR WHO EVEN LET YOU IN THE
BUILDING DURING COVID, BUT I DID NOT AGREE TO--
>> OOPS, DROPPED CALL.
ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING, WE NOW TURN TO STEPHEN COLBERT'S
MONOLOGUES FROM MARCH OF THIS YEAR.
THIS WAS WHEN THE CORONAVIRUS TOOK COLD IN AMERICA, FORCING
PEOPLE TO QUARANTINE IN THEIR HOMES.
AND COLBERT WAS FACED WITH THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE OF HIS
PROFESSIONAL LIFE: DOING MONOLOGUE JOKES WITHOUT A TIE.
TAKE A LOOK.
DA-DA-DA-DOO-DOO.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
HI!
WELCOME TO MY BATHROOM.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU'RE WATCHING A VERY SPECIAL SOCIAL DISTANCING EDITION OF
"THE LATE SHOW"."
THE BIG STORY TONIGHT IS, ALL OF YOU PEOPLE, PEOPLE ALL OVER
AMERICA HAVE HUNKERED DOWN IN THEIR OWN HOUSES TO RIDE OUT THE
CORONAVIRUS.
THE C.D.C. IS SAYING THIS MIGHT GO ON FOR THE NEXT EIGHT WEEKS,
SO GET COMFORTABLE.
TRY TO LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE-- YOU'RE FINALLY GOING TO GET A
CHANCE TO BINGE WATCH ALL THAT TOILET PAPER YOU BOUGHT.
AND YOU BETTER WATCH IT, JACK.
BECAUSE I'M COMING FOR IT.
I DID NOT PLAN WELL.
I AM COMING TO YOU FROM "THE LATE SHOW'S"ITARY" SET.
THE ED SULLIVAN MY HOUSE.
PLUS, NOW I'VE GOT TO WASH THE MONKEY'S 53 FOR 20 SECONDS.
BIDEN PLANS TO CONTINUE CAMPAIGNING VIRTUALLY FROM HOME.
IT MAKES SENSE-- YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: IF IT AIN'T BROKE,
DON'T FIX IT.
AND IF IT IS BROKE AND RISING IN THE POLLS, LOCK IT IN THE
BASEMENT.
REPORTEDLY, THE REASON TRUMP WANTED THIS MEANINGFUL PHOTO IS
BECAUSE HE WAS UPSET BY COVERAGE OF THE FACT THAT HE HAD BEEN
RUSHED TO THE UNDERGROUND BUNKER ONED FROM NIGHT.
ONE PROBLEM: THERE WAS A CROWD OF PEACEFUL PROTESTERS IN THE
WAY.
SO HE HAD MILITARY POLICE OPEN FIRE WITH RUBBER BULLETS, FLASH
GRENADE AND TEAR GAS.
NOT ONLY IS THAT A HORRIFIC HORR ABUSE OF THE OFFICE OF THE
PRESIDENCY AND OUR MILITARY.
THE TEAR GAS IS COMPLETE UNNECESSARY.
WHEN PEOPLE SEE TRUMP WALKING TOWARD THEM DOWN THE STREET,
THEY NATURALLY CRY AND VOMIT.
IF TRUMP IS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO BLAME, HE SHOULD CHECK OUT
HIS REFLECTION IN THE RIOT SHIELDS, BECAUSE THAT NEW POLL
ALSO SAYS 61% DISAPPROVEOF HIS HANDLING OF THE PROTESTS.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
HE'S HANDLING THEM JUST AS WELL AS HE HANDLES A BIBLE.
THIS DELAY IN THE RESULTS DOES NOT BODY WELL FOR NOVEMBER.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT FEELING YOU HAD BETWEEN 9:00 P.M. AND
MIDNIGHT ON ELECTION NIGHT?
GT READY TO BE THAT DRUNK FOR FIVE DAYS.
THE POINT IS THIS ELECTION IS NOT GOING TO BE A SPRINT.
IT'S GOING TO BE A MARATHON IN THAT BEFORE IT'S OVER, YOU'RE
GOING TO BE POOPING YOUR PANTS AND YOUR NIPPLES ARE GOING TO BE
BLEEDING.
I'M BACK IN NEW YORK CITY, AS YOU CAN SEE, LOOK.
IT'S NEW YORK.
RIGHT THERE.
HERE, IN THE HISTORIC ED SULLIVAN THEATER'S OFFICE
BUILDING.
I GOT-- I GOT MY DESK CALENDAR RIGHT HERE.
MARCH 12.
JUST LEFT IT RIGHT HERE, HAVEN'T CHANGED IT SINCE WE LEFT.
THAT WAS THE LAST NIGHT, RIGHT, MARCH 12, IN THE STUDIO?
THERE IT IS.
OKAY?
I'LL JUST-- I'LL UPDATE THAT RIGHT NOW.
OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE...
( LAUGHTER )
ABOUT RIGHT.
FEELS ABOUT RIGHT.
THIS IS AN HISTORIC ANNOUNCEMENT BECAUSE HARRIS IS THE FIRST
BLACK WOMAN AND THE FIRST PERSON OF INDIAN DESCENT TO BE
NOMINATED FOR NATIONAL OFFICE BY A MAJOR PARTY.
SO TRUMP'S GOING TO HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING EXACTLY HOW TO BE
RACIST ABOUT HER.
"I DEMAND TO SEE BOTH OF HER BIRTHDAY CERTIFICATES."
>> SHE WAS EXTRAORDINARILY NASTY.
SHE WAS NASTY TO A LEVEL THAT WAS JUST A HORRIBLE THING.
SHE WAS PROBABLY NASTIER-- SHE WAS VERY, VERY NASTY.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD!
HOW LAZY ARE YOU?
YOU'RE JUST REPEATING WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT HILLARY.
YOU'RE STUCK IN 2016, AND THAT'S NOT FAIR.
WHY SHOULD YOU BE THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS TO LIVE IN A TIME WHEN
YOU'RE NOT PRESIDENT!
ONE PERSON TRUMP THINKS HARRIS WAS PARTICULARLY NASTY TO IS HER
NEW RUNNING MATE.
>> SHE SAID THINGS DURING THE DEBATES, DURING THE DEMOCRAT
PRIMARY DEBATES THAT WERE HORRIBLE ABOUT SLEEPY JOE, AND I
WOULD THINK THAT HE WOULDN'T HAVE PICKED HER.
>> Stephen: IT IS TRUE.
DURING THE DEBATES, KAMALA HARRIS SPANKED BIDEN, AND TRUMP
WOULD NEVER WORK WITH A WOMAN WHO DID THAT TO HIM FOR FREE.
FOLKS, FOR FOUR YEARS, WE'VE LOOKED ON IN HORROR AS DONALD
TRUMP TORE DOWN EVERY NORM IN AMERICAN LIFE FROM THE
CONSTITUTION TO ENGLISH SYNTAX TO THE DEFINITION OF FOOD
PYRAMID.
WELL, TONIGHT, TONIGHT THE DEMOCRATS BEGIN WHAT JOE BIDEN
HAS CALLED "A BATTLE FOR THE SOUL OF THIS NATION."
BUT THAT WE'RE CALLING...
>> DEMOCRATS ASSEMBLE.
>> ARE YOU READY SNO TO GO!
>> PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA, TV.
>> Stephen: SO BEAUTIFUL.
>> SO GREAT!
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF JOHN KASICH, THE FORMER REPUBLICAN
GOVERNOR OF OHIO WAS ONE OF THE SPEAKERS TONIGHT.
HE WAS THERE TO UNDERLINE THE THEME OF THIS CONVENTION
"UNITING AMERICA."
SLIGHTLY MORE INSPIRING THAN THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION THEME "GAS
PROTESTERS AND THROW MAILBOXES INTO THE SEA."
IN LIEU OF A PLATFORM THE RNC RELEASED A RESOLUTION OF THE
UNDYING SUPPORT OF TRUMP.
THAT'S NOT A PARTY.
IT'S A CULT!
"WELCOME TO THE CONVENTION, EVERYBODY.
TAKE OFF YOUR MA MASKS AND PUT O YOUR MATCHY NIKES AND MAGA HATS.
THEN DRINK UP YOUR KOOL-AID.
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LEADERS AND FIGHTERS FOR LIBERTY AND THE
AMERICAN DREAM.
THE BEST IS YET TO COME!
( LAUGHTER )
GONE?
I'M SCARED!
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'VE HAD TO TURN DOWN THE
VOLUME ON C-SPAN.
I'M GLAD WE ALREADY HAD OUR KIDS BECAUSE I THINK I WAS TOO CLOSE
TO THE TV.
I MIGHT HAVE BEEN STERILIZED BY THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
TIM SCOTT FINISHED SPEAKING FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THE END OF THE
RESIDENTIAL RUN TIME.
SO THEY JUST SHOWED "B" ROLL OF THE WHITE HOUSE.
IT ENDED EARLY!
I CAN'T IMAGINE THE CHAOS IN THE CONTROL ROOM.
"WHAT?
FIVE-- WE CAN'T WASTE FIVE MINUTES OF PRIME TIME.
QUICK, SEND GUILFOYLE OUT THERE FOR SOME FREE SCREAM!
HELLO, I NEED AN OBJECT AND THE REASON THE DEMOCRATS ARE
DESTROYING IT.
THANK YOU.
BASED ON YOUR SUGGESTION OF CHIA PET AND SHARIA LOVE, WE TAKE YOU
TO MY LARYNX.
ALL I CAN SAY-- AND THIS IS ALL I CAN SAY-- IS THAT WHEN IT
COMES TO DONALD TRUMP, I HOPE GETTING OUT EARLY IS A TREND
THAT CONTINUES IN NOVEMBER.
>> COMING UP, "THE LATE SHOW'S"" BEST CAMPAIGN MOMENTS IN THE
FIELD.