Now let's get to "The Rundown."
The tax bill that Republicans passed this week
was more confusing than Janet and Jermaine getting back together.
President Trump is celebrating the single biggest
legislative victory of his first year in office.
The GOP tax plan passing the House and Senate Wednesday.
The American public has to be pretty confused.
They've got one side saying that this is going to be a huge gift,
and the other side saying it's a disaster.
This bill is like your coworker's casserole.
Nobody knows what's in it, and nobody asked for it!
(laughter)
Now, it's okay to be this reckless with your life,
but Republicans are out here
gambling with the lives of millions.
And they forced a vote faster than my mom popped me
for answering "Robyn!" with "What?!"
They want us to vote on this thing in about an hour.
An hour.
I spent more than an hour
making a decision about the refrigerator
that we recently bought.
Oh, you fancy, Elizabeth, with your new refrigerator?
What are you, a king?
Lord knows, after this tax bill,
the only fridge we'll be able to afford
is a block of ice in a shoebox.
Especially if we have brilliant economists
like Trump's daughter-wife on the job.
The rest of the world realized that cutting taxes
enabled them to be competitive.
And their rates dropped dramatically below ours.
If you think about it, small businesses
will have the lowest taxes since 1931.
1931?
You must be referring to the golden age
when children died of polio, and also the Great Depression!
(laughter and applause)
But we... (chuckles)
But we cannot go back to the days
when Morgan Freeman was just Morgan Freeboy.
(laughter)
We can't do that.
And because the Republicans
have made this intentionally confusing,
everyone's understanding of this bill is about as secure
as the gavel Paul Ryan hammered it home with!
(laughter and groaning)
But here's what we do know.
Remember the Devil, right? All right.
Well, today's Republicans are just rebranding
his infamous trickle-down economics plan.
It reduces the corporate rate
from 35% all the way down to 20%.
Businesses are going to do just what we say:
reinvest in their workers,
reinvest in their factories,
pay people more money, higher wages.
I mean, higher wages sound great,
but hearing that private businesses
"will do just what we say" from a liar like Paul Ryan
is as reassuring as Steve Harvey saying,
"Hey, that's a nice suit."
(laughter and groaning)
Plus... plus...
CEOs are clicking "not interested"
on the Facebook invite to share the wealth.
I'm looking at a list of CEOs who said,
"We don't plan to reinvest."
What they're planning to do is to do stock buybacks,
to line the pockets of shareholders.
(woman) "The Wall Street Journal" asked a group of them
if they'd pump more money into their businesses
in front of Trump's very own economic adviser...
(man) If the tax reform bill goes through,
do you plan to increase
your company's investment, capital investment?
Just a show of hands.
If the tax reform goes through.
Well, damn! Don't everybody jump at once.
That crowd was like Waka Flocka: No Hands.
But super-rich corporations aren't the only ones
getting taken care of.
Super-rich people are finally catching a break, too.
The top five percent of income earners
in this country
are going to receive over 60% of the benefits
of this bill in 10 years' time.
And, in fact, next year are gonna receive double
the share of benefits from this bill
as working class families.
Dang! The middle class is about to be
like a fake friend when you get into a fight,
'cause it's about to disappear.
And for their next trick,
Republicans are making Obamacare vanish.
This is not just about taxes.
Republican Congress is doing something
it has failed to achieve for the last seven years:
gutting Obamacare.
These sneaky bastards!
Americans preferred Obamacare by a two-to-one margin,
but Republicans just slid in their de facto healthcare repeal
like A.S.A.P. Rocky in his favorite pair of slippers.
I mean, are those the only pair of shoes he has?
Unfortunately, many Americans
might only also be down to a pair of shoes
after losing their healthcare.
(man) A recent Congressional Budget Office report
found that the number of people with health insurance
would decrease by 4 million in 2019
and 13 million over the next decade.
Majority Leader Mitch McConnell commented on the impact, saying:
And he's not kidding.
Here's how they wrote the bill behind closed doors.
(man screaming)
Now, on the football field,