This Rod Amateau adventure comedy film somehow managed to squeak out a profit of $500 hundred-thousand,
above its $1-million dollar budget when it released in August of 1987.
Shamelessly, and foolishly based on the then-popular series of children's gross and weird trading
cards...
this live-action adaptation is perhaps the stupidest product tie-in in the long and pathetic
history of Hollywood adaptations.
Seriously, this PG-rated movie was co-produced by a freaking chewing gum company!
The ramshackle and nonsensical plot follows Mackenzie Astin, of "The Facts Of Life" fame,
as a dweeby and horny teen who accidentally uncovers seven disgusting mutant baby creatures:
who live in a garbage pail inside an antique store, for some reason.
Compared to his untalented co-stars, Astin actually does a halfway decent job with some
of his poorly-written dialogue - but honestly, not even an impeccable performance from Daniel
Day Lewis could save this shitshow.
Portrayed with hammy acting by a septuplet of dwarf actors, these "kids" robotically
waddle around the cheap-looking sets, constantly spewing out stupid puns, bad jokes, and grotesque
fluids from their bodies.
The rubberized freak show of midgets can't even execute a good fart joke correctly - every
line of dialogue they utter is eye-rolling and cringe worthy... especially when the break
into the picture's lone musical number for no reason.
Their facial expressions were reportedly going to be enhanced and finished with post-production
animation, but due to budget and scheduling limitations...
these elements were never completed, resulting in some positively creepy undead-looking four-foot-tall
doll figures with frozen mouths, and hilariously oversized heads.
Astin takes advantage of the misplaced kindness of the Garbage Pail Kids to help win the affection
of Katie Barberi, an older girl he has the hots for.
By why he's ever attracted to this mess of a human is beyond me... she's shown to be
nothing more than a manipulative and inconsiderate jerk with poor fashion sense who constantly
exploits her so-called friends.
Speaking of fashion, a fair deal of the idiotic plot revolves around black-market clothing
sales: which only serve to remind modern audiences of how dreadful and ridiculous eighties fashions
were.
The film is backed by a painfully distracting score from Michael Llyod that sounds like
the soundtrack to a jazzercize workout.
An attempt to impart some ethical values concerning outward appearances, and treating others fairly...
is entirely lost in the insulting, crude, and distasteful script that frequently practices
the exact opposite of what it is trying to preach.
Over the course of the 97-minute experience, you can practically feel your intelligence
diminish in real-time.
The lone highlight of this picture however is Anthony Newley as a sage and mysterious
mentor character, who shares this apropos line of advice towards the beginning of the
film, "Losing is relative, my dear boy.
What matters is conceding with grace."
Unfortunately, this boringly paced crapfest ignores its own advice... and fails to concede
at all: instead going full-tilt towards the absurd unashamedly.
It's one sad, never-ending gag that goes from unfunny to insufferable, with no redeeming
qualities whatsoever.
While it deserves its place upon the pantheon of terrible films, it is hardly the absolute
worst - but that doesn't mean I'll ever try watching this again.
"The Garbage Pail Kids Movie", a "Colossal mistake of corporate greed."
Now let's see what you had to say in the YouTube comments.
No surprises here... a double ONE for "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie"... a film that the
Nostalgia Critic once called the "Holocaust of cinema" is truly awful, through-and-through,
with none of you mentioning anything positive.
A whopping 75% of all who voted rated it a GARBAGE.
Although I was slightly less critical, and wouldn't even put this in my bottom-five,
it is quite terrible, and does deserves its spot on the lowest rung.
I thought it was GARBAGE, too.