Osmosis videos often include famous people who have had a disease, and it’s for two
reasons: one it helps to destigmatize having the disease, and two, it helps to serve as
a memory anchor for remembering the specifics of the disease.
Today we’re discussing one of the biggest celebrities of all: Santa Claus!
Indeed, because of his age, his relationship with iconic brands such as Coca-Cola, and
his ability to pander to children—with promises of presents—and to parents—with threats
of withholding presents from their children for misbehavior—Santa Claus has become one
of the most beloved and recognizable figures around the world.
While Santa Claus has never been known to have any serious illnesses or conditions we’re
concerned he’s a ticking time bomb for having a heart attack.
Much of what we know about this enigmatic cultural icon, including one of his many pseudonyms,
comes from a single chance encounter with a scholar name Clement Clarke Moore in 1822
who chronicled the meeting in A Visit from St. Nicholas more popularly known as ‘Twas
the Night Before Christmas.
As Moore recounts:
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke, it encircled his head like
a wreath; He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf.
From this description, it’s clear Santa Claus has several of the key cardiovascular
risk factors which increase his potential of having a heart attack.
Remember heart attacks typically occur when an artery has plaque build up and that plaque
suddenly breaks—blocking the blood from getting through and reaching the heart muscle.
A bit like a plump individual getting stuck in a chimney and blocking the smoke from getting
through to the night sky.
This starves the heart tissue of nutrients and oxygen, causing cardiac ischemia; and
eventually death of the heart tissue, called a myocardial infarction or a heart attack.
The first risk factor is age—Santa is old!
He had a white beard even 200 years ago, so let’s generously assume that he’s at least
250 years old.
As we age, our blood vessels become less flexible, making it harder for blood to move through
them easily.
Think of an old garden hose that’s become rigid over the years—those are Santa’s
blood vessels.
The second risk factor is tobacco—Santa is clearly a heavy smoker, as he was unable
to put down the pipe even while hard at work.
Sure this was in the 1800s when that was encouraged, but still.
Burning tobacco produces thousands of toxic chemicals which when inhaled into the lungs,
cause inflammation and damage the inner lining of the arteries.
The third risk factor is obesity.
By all accounts, Santa is overweight likely due to his eating a high-calorie, high-sugar,
low-fiber diet.
Obesity increases the risk of hypertension, hyperlipidemia, and type 2 diabetes, all of
which increase the risk of having a heart attack.
Finally, Santa’s job is chock full of occupational hazards.
His work hours are uneven during the year.
In the summer, it’s not clear how much he works, if at all, but during the Christmas
period he’s likely working overtime.
On Christmas Eve it’s estimated that he works 36 consecutive hours while crossing
all 24 time zones of the earth, so it’s possible he works many of those same hours
multiple times.
That just logically can’t be a good thing.
It’s likely that he depends heavily on stimulants, like caffeine at the very least, to pull off
that monumental shift.
Also, because he’s circumventing the globe at all latitudes after being used to the extreme
cold temperatures of the north pole, he’s likely to experience significant heat stress
when he labors to deliver presents to homes in warmer climates.
This is likely exacerbated by having to enter homes through a hot, sooty, narrow chimney.
Finally, it’s customary for children to tip Santa with cookies and milk which he consumes
on this marathon shift.
Even conservative estimates suggest that he’s ingesting a massive bolus of sugar in one
evening, and that likely causes a massive spike in his blood sugar.
Finally, there’s the constant threat of the Grinch stealing Christmas and Amazon replacing
the need for Santa.
All of this is sure to weigh heavily on Santa’s mind and cardiovascular system, causing his
cortisol to rise and putting him at further risk of having a heart attack.
So, Santa is old, he smokes, he’s obese, and his job is full of unique hazards—is
he in danger of an imminent heart attack?
Well, the good news is that he’s a physically robust person, with a cheery disposition,
and a strong social support network around the world.
Plus, the effects of magic on the cardiovascular system are not well understood, and may play
a considerable part in his continued way of life.
At any rate, these attributes have clearly helped him so far, so we’re confident that
he will continue to defy the odds tonight and for years to come.
Merry Christmas and Happy holidays everyone!