- Welcome to Keith, let's play some video games.
Okay I'm playing a game I've never played before.
I'm gonna beat it.
It's called Ben and Ed Blood Party.
(upbeat music)
Tutorial, look at this awful looking man.
(laughs)
I have him walk to me and I'm just looking straight
at his dick, got a very soft dick.
Use Control to crouch.
(laughs)
Look at him move, look at the monkey dance.
I'm gonna always crouch.
A chainsaw, (laughs)
well there it is.
Sorry boxes.
Oh wow this is great now, now I get it, oh,
what happens if I walk into the saw?
Oh yep, yeah, probably should have saw that coming.
Yes.
I love how he moves when he crouches,
he's so weird.
Hold the mouse down to rip my head off and throw it
while it's in my hand.
(laughs)
okay, now I throw my head.
Great.
Now what?
(stutters)
huh?
Huh?
Owe I can just roll my little head around
but how do I get my body, I guess I don't need it,
I guess I don't need it yeah.
(laughs)
So cool, I made it.
My head got to the heart in a cage
just like every other game.
Now that I'm an expert at the game, oh it's a steak.
Go, go, go, go, go, fuck.
Fuck.
Checkpoint I did it.
Welp, hmm, guess that didn't work out for me.
Let's try again.
Jump, jump, no!
(laughs)
Go ahead, try again says the T-bone steak.
Shift go, okay no, your head can still go, yeah,
yes, go body so.
Yeah I've got a head, oh fuck.
I didn't see those hammers.
Ah man the floor fell out from under me.
Hey wait am I still alive?
Yeah I can just crawl around on the ground.
Watch out for the swinging hammer,
jump over the fake floor,
around the corner, fuck!
Big hammer.
But I didn't die, to the checkpoint baby,
to the checkpoint girl.
Round the corner up the ramp and jump to your death.
(laughs)
I thought just press forward, just run through the blade
it'll be fine, go.
Fuck, fuck, ah my, ah man, what about my?
My brains still alive go brain go,
go little brain.
You can do it.
You know it's amazing what your mind can do.
Alright I made it, okay, okay,
wait, ah fuck, god.
Okay, come on Keith, just jump across the thing,
nope, hmm.
We're jumping,
no you gotta control yourself Keith.
Go,
go, ah cock.
(growls)
Okay the steak believes in me I can,
I have to start over, I fucking lost,
but what about my brain?
He did such a good effort.
Alright, okay
get going Keith you can do this,
you just have to beat one level and you'll be
an internet star forever, no!
(laughs)
God!
Come on you stupid man, go, go, go, go, go, go,
jump,
right into the hammer.
Whoa look at Keith go, hey, I only lost one arm
that's pretty good for me.
Alright now these stairs that I keep fucking up.
Okay, get up, go.
Go, no! No!
God!
Let the hate flow through you, I'm a steak.
Yes Keith, good job!
You made it!
Now let me tell you, this game is hard.
Video games are so hard,
it's actually very positive message,
it's like if you lose an arm, you know what,
you still got three other limbs, you lose your legs,
you still got one arm left, lose your arm,
you still got a head, lose everything but your brain,
you know what, maybe your brain's
your most important organ after all.
That's what they say, let's do this.
I like that the objective is to get a steak.
I get that.
Go.
Okay.
You know what, I hated my feet, I've been ashamed of them,
I wear a size 14 wide, who needs feet?
Yeah I'm not even respawning to get those feet back.
I like how I'm moving right now.
I don't know how I did that.
Oh well okay, we're just a head.
Keep your head in the game Keith.
It's really, oh!
Cocks!
It's actually better to not have anything but your head.
Yeah, so that's what I was saying.
Jump over the floor.
Go under the things, jump over the floor.
This is the best way to do this.
Rolling around with my head.
I'm really relaxed right now.
The secret to this game is just lose everything
but your head.
Also can I just say that that tutorial
was nothing like the game.
This is nothing like that, this is just a ramp.
God dammit I was talking to the camera
and my head fell down.
Let's go,
Keith.
Alright let's lose the head, just the head, no not the feet
and the arms, okay well, we'll make do with what we got.
Come on Keith, that's the spirit.
You, ah.
Come on.
Yeah (shouts)
dammit.
(cries)
(exhales)
I was so close to the goal that one time member?
Member that, remember when I almost did it?
Watch out for the big old ax in the floor drops out
and you lose your legs.
Get past the hammer okay.
Remember Keith the floor drops out right here.
Yes!
(grunts)
This one has a much more morose sound to it.
(morose music)
That was easy.
(hums)
Keith, you stupid idiot Keith.
Oh now the box shuffle, oh watch out for the boxes.
Watch out for the boxes, ah.
Almost, ah.
Dang that's rough, oh yeah, I don't really know
how I'm supposed to survive that, that was really rough,
that was tough, 19 Keiths left.
Let's go Keith.
Watch out for the boxes, they hurt a lot.
Wow and now, how did I even fall, how did this happen?
Ah poor guy, is he having a heart attack?
Oh god, look at his dick.
What if you lost all your limbs but your dick?
Can you're dick still crawl across the finish line?
I'd say my dick is way more mobile than my brain,
let's do it.
15 Keiths left, come on Keith, oh cock.
Come on Keith you can do this.
Don't run straight into it, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
(grunts)
Oh!
That's right, I ran right into it for fun.
I'm gonna need a new set of lives.
This is not working out.
Big hammers hurt, yup, yup, yup, yeah.
Hey look at that, how 'bout that, that's fun.
(laughs)
God bless him he's trying.
Alright what do we got nine lives left?
Call me cat, oh fuck.
No, no, no, no, no, okay,
okay, everything's fine, come on Keith you suck,
come on you don't suck that bad, no!
Maybe this'll be better you know.
Maybe I could, oh this is the secret,
I just needed to be a torso
so I could stay under the hammer.
Go torso, ah, go torso go.
Go torso, where are you torso, come on, come on.
No!
You're gonna have to do one of those Spongebob:
Six hours later, when I'm like finally getting done
with this level.
I know I can do this (laughs).
It's a very simple motor skill function,
it just, just running with keys.
Yes!
As far as I'm concerned I just beat the game!
That was the biggest boss of the game and I've done it.
What are these things?
Spoons?
Spoons, my spoon, spoons.
Spoons.
Oh fuck, my spoon.
But what, what about my spoon, spoon.
I lost my spoon.
Do I get another spoon?
I don't know why they gave me the spoon.
It looks like this is when I'm gonna lose some limbs.
Whoa I didn't.
(laughs)
yeah, Keith's crushing it now.
As long as there's no hammers, I'm really okay.
Those hammers are tough.
Alright Keith, go for it.
(laughs)
Yeah look at me go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at me, I'm on my way to some steak,
just like a normal guy, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
I made it in six minutes and three seconds.
How depressing.
I like the message of the game, life's just a big maze
and at the end of that maze is some steak.
And sometimes things feel like things cost
an arm and a leg nowadays but at the end of the day
you sit at home and do a nice delicious dinner
and everything's okay.
And if you ever die you can just respawn.
Just like life.