???: Look, as a lady you gotta stop showing so much skin. You'll get in trouble
???: I know, I know. Nobody likes wearing clothes, but..
but it's the law.
???: You're too young to fight the power!
???: Rah, rah fight the power. Wait until your birthday!
???: I said no!
now get comfy and tuck in your shoulder boots!
we're reading your bedtime story!
*ahem*
Once upon a time..
Hey, I didn't write this cliche opening, now bear with me.
*another ahem*
Once upon a time, there was a
GIRL, GUY, GIANT, IMMORTAL, FAIRY PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG
GO!
Diane: LAAAND HO!
Meliodas: Great! Now we can begin the *SECREET* operation!
Elizabeth: OOO!
OOO-OOO-OO-OOO!
TELL *ME* THE SECRET!
I'M GOOD AT KEEPING SECRETS!
LIKE HOW DIANE HAS A WART THE SHAPE OF A *TUMOR* ON HER BUTT!
*I've seen it with my human eyes*
it's fuckin' *gross*
Diane: Yeah. That's life for you.
Well now if you excuse me,
me and my butt-wart-tumor are gonna dream about *naked* Captain!
Aww~yeah! Take it off!~
*NO* *NO*
*SLOWLY~*
Meliodas: *burps*AAAlright everyone, I got some news.
We're piss poor and we're starving to death.
That means it's time to get some customers to come to our shitty bar!
Elizabeth: WAIT WE HAVE A BAR?
Meliodas: and YOU'VE just been nominated to get the *fuck out* of my bar!
Elizabeth: YEAH, I'LL GET US SOME CUSTOMERS!
Meliodas: S'long as it makes you leave!
Uh, you go with her too, pig.
Hawk: What did I do to deserve thiiis..?
Elizabeth: cMON *HAWK*!
LET'S BRING IN THE DOUGH!
Hawk: Now, when you say dough, do you mean
MONEY, or literal doough?
Meliodas: I have plenty of dough!
I just need customers!
NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!
Elizabeth: THIS party is gonna be off the SHIZ house Hawk!
Hawk: I don't think fugitives like us should be publicly having parties for everyone to come to..
*gasp*
Horses! My greatest foes..
We need to hide!
Knight: WE - are the knights
Villager: Knights of what?
Knight: WE - are the knights
Villager: Knights of wha-
Knights: Knights of the night, out in the day
we're very confused - the sun burns our very existence
I'm going home now, goodbye!
Hawk: Ah, humans. They're such a problematic race.
Note to self: they need to go
Elizabeth: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, *HAWKK*?
Hawk: Nothing important!
???: What are we looking at, friends?
Are you also hiding from the knights of the night that are out in the day but are going home confused?
Yeah, me too.
Hawk: SHUT-UP Elizabeth! Jeez-
Wait-that's not Elizabeth..
???: Hello, bush friends.
Is there room in your bush for another bush lover like myself?
Hawk: Ew, no.
???: Well golly gosh, darn it.
Elizabeth: OOO! What's your name, stranger?
Hawk: Why are you asking him things?!
???: My name is..
Allen.. Walker??
I walk and I'm an Allen!
an Allen Walker, if you will.
Elizabeth: I completely get you.
Hawk: Please stop spreading the stupidity. Just leave.
Allen: Why would I do that??
We're gonna be the best of friend-a-roonies!
Forever and ever!
and ever again.
Elizabeth: OOOO! I LOVE ROONIES!
ESPECIALLY WITH A FRIEND!
YOU LIKE MY SCARF???
AND DON'T TELL ANYONE MY NAME IS ELIZABETH
AND THAT I'M A *RUNAWAY* PRINCESS!
wait I wasn't supposed to say that, huh?
*muffled expression*
Allen: I found a thing!
Elizabeth: SHIT DON'T READ IT!
Allen: So you're hiding out with the Seven Deadly Sins and are looking for the rest of them
and now you've been asked by the Captain to go find some customers for his shitty bar?
Yeahh, me too.
Hawk: OH SHIT WE'RE SCREWED, HE KNOWS EVERYTHING!
Allen: Well, not everything. just most things
Hawk: Not gonna.. elaborate on that?
Allen: and now I know nothing. A talking pig? Wow! Would you like to be friend-a-loons?
Elizabeth: I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A FRIEND-A-LOONIE!
Allen: Amazing! I would love you guys to meet my big monster friend! She loves bears.
She's more of a people person though.
Elizabeth: Neato!
Hawk: That is neither neat nor o!
Elizabeth: LET'S GOOOOO!
Hawk: Someone just kill me now..
Meliodas: OH-HOHOHO!
Now THIS thing is gonna taste good with beer and potatoes
for when Elizabeth brings all those customers!
Ban: C-cappy..
Th-they're all dead!
All my fluffy bunnies! They're all dead!
Why does everything I love die??
*sobs*
Ban: *sobs* Meliodas: That's what happens if you squeeze them too hard!
Meliodas: That's what happends if you squeeze them too hard!
Ban: BUT THEY'RE SO CUTE N' FLUFFY!
Meliodas: Well, we can use *those* as food too.
What did you get, King?
King: *snores*
Ban: you DARE *SLEEP* DURING THIS TRAGEDY?
King: A-oWowwOwW! Hey! What the fuck??
Ow! Kill the bunnies! I don't care! Jeez!
Ban: Now to repent for your sins, you gotta find us a bear to eat!
King: eh???
Ban: Hey, if you take down a bear big enough,
*Mr. Matrona* might like that
That sound good?
Like this?
*licking and gurgle sounds*
It's what I did to your sister
King: Mr. Matrona??
Uh, *ahem*
Well, if none of you lazy fucks can do the job then I guess I'll help.
Meliodas: Okay, King.
You've got no appreciation for the skill and artistry of the hunt!
It takes many years to hone up your senses in the woods! finding a bear is no easy task!
It could be due west - up in the hills
FUCK! It could even be-
HOLY SHIT IS THAT A GODDAMN BEAR KILLING US?!
Yes!
King: Using my *great hunting prowess*, I deduce that the bear is over in that direction
Meliodas: Shut up King!
Elizabeth: Well, we lost our friend in the woods
BUT WE FOUND A NEW ONE IN SOME OTHER WOODS!
Cain: Wait a gosh-darn second and a half there!
This isn't Dona-six!
Oh my gosh you're Liz!
You've changed so much!
Like your hair,
Like your hair, your face,
that you're back from the dead,
and most notably, your voice!
Elizabeth: OH MY GOD, I'M DEAD??
Cain: If only your voice was..
So why'd you bring me here?
Elizabeth: TEACH ME TO WOMAN, OLD MAN!
SO THAT MELIODAS WILL LOVE ME!
Cain: *sip*
But you're never been able to woman!
You would always make him cook for ya,
Liz: Feed me, little man!
Cain: Call him a midget behind his back,
Liz: *laughs*
You guys seen that midget? What a midget!
Cain: Put him in a sleeperhold and call him a midget to his face,
Liz: YOU GONNA TAP OUT OR WHAT, MIDGET?
Cain: Yeah, you were just a bully!
Sooo, I guess just treat him like shit and he's yours!
Elizabeth: I'LL DO IT!
THANK YOU FOR THIS *AMAZING* ADVICE!
NOW I MUST LEAVE!
TO GET MY MAN BACK!
Cain: Wait! Before you go.. take this
This was yours
Before you dyed your hair, died, and got born again and..
where'd ya go?
Elizabeth: DA DA DA DA! DA DA DA!
Cain: Well I've got myself lost again..
Elizabeth: DA DA DA DA! DA DA DA DA!
Meliodas: Fuck you, King!
You don't get to stuff the bear with potatoes!
King: I invoke the ancient fairy law of finders keepers
losers don't get the bear, fuck you!
Ban: I'm gonna turn that bear into a bunny so I can give it cuddles!
Meliodas: It's fuckin' *mine*!
King: NO - IT'S MINE!
Meliodas: Mine!
Ban: I'MA COMIN', FLUFFLEEEESS!!
Girl Jessie: I do declare that we are eating well tonight boys.
Kleetus: I'ma skin that rube *real* good with mah sword here!
ain't been folded a thousand times for nothin'!
Skeeter: Now, now, brother. Let us not forget the number 1 rule of our family!
You shan't been there first I'ma hit you with the ugly stick
Fuck off!
Huh?
Meliodas: You stay away from this bear! It's ours!
King: Wait.
Bears don't wear armor!
Meliodas: Oh, you dumb motherfucker.
Only a TRUE novice hunter would go in not knowing that bears sometimes wear armor!
King: Uh- Of course I knew that!
Fairy law #3 - Bears sometimes wear armor
Fuck you!
Ban: That's gonna make a BIG bunny!
Meliodas: Ugh! Ban! We're not keeping it!
We're EATING it!
Ban: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME EAT SOME FLUFFY TUNA FAT!
Skeeter: Well, well, well. lookie what we've got here, brothers!
Girl Jessie: I keep tellin' ya, I'm yer sister!
Skeeter: No you ain't! That's why it ain't awkward when I look atcha naked!
Bafalnium: Brother.. It's a little awkward.
Girl Jessie: mmhmmm
Skeeter: See what you did? NOW it's awkward..
shiiit
Meliodas: None of you are gettin' the bear!
It's OURS!
Skeeter: Oh yeah? Well we got a little rule in our family!
Rule 22 of the Skeeter Brothers - you heedn't get it!
Fuck off!
King: HEY!
I'M the one who makes up rules around here!
Meliodas: I thought you said that those were *ancient fairy laws*?
King: you DARE doubt me?
King, the king of the fairies The fairy - King?
Girl Jessie: Rule no. jibligiblie
I'll cut your dick off and feed it to your parents Oh God
Fuck off!
King: That one's not even a number!
Skeeter: Kleetus, Jessie, Bafalnium, Boy Jessie,
PILE ON!
Allen: Little lady! This isn't the inside of that cave!
and what the heck happened to your shoulder boots??
Allen: Oh, don't you take that tone with me! You're in *big* trouble, missy!
Ban: Cappy.. do you- do you think he's a bear whisperer?
Meliodas: I've heard the tales..
But I.. *burp*
didn't think they were true..
King: I-I've heard the tales! And I totally thought they were true!
Meliodas: Shut up King!
Allen: Thank goodness you found her!
Goddess Clan knows what she's been doing this whole time!
She loves bears.
Ban: wait.. THIS ISN'T A BEAR??
King: Of course it wasn't a bear!
I knew that the whole time!
Meliodas: I thought you said
*Fairy rule #3 - Bears sometimes wear armor*
King: Yeah! *sometimes*!
ya fuckin philistine!
Girl Jessie: Are they.. talkin' to that bear?
Skeeter: I don't know I can't hear a goddamn thing through this fuckin mask
I don't even know why I wear this damn thing
Alan: What's that?
Speak up, dear!
Ban: NOW IT'S A DEER?
I JUST WANTED A BUNNY!
I'm so confused..
Skeeter Brothers!
PILE ON!
Bafalium: I'm right there with ya, brother!
I'm.. not right there with ya, brother!
Kleetus! Get 'im!
Kleetus: I gotchu, brother!!
Bafalium: AH! Mah arm! Now I'm gonna die of blood loss!
Goddangit Kleetus!
King: What is wrong with you people??
Girl Jessie: Ain't nothin wrong with us, you..
*mumble*
Heh, gottem.
Skeeter: Adequate draw, brother!
Skeeter's turn!
Yee-haw!
Boy Jessie: Heh, heh, heh! I see you!
Ban: And I see you!
Uh, wha- what?
Did *I* see him?
or was he even there?
Did I erase him from existence?
Boy Jessie: I'm no stranger to hidin' in a pile o' corpses
that.. sounded weirder than I meant it to-
I'm gonna shoot the thing!
*sigh*
Gowther: All right, nobody seems to be listening to me in this form,
so I think it's time I change it up a bit.
some of you wanted to kill it to hunt it
some of you wanted to kill it to hunt it some of you wanted to kill it to eat it
some of you wanted to kill it to hunt it some of you wanted to kill it to eat it one of you wanted to turn it into a bunny
I'm not naming names,
But we all know it's Ban.
Ban: That can be *anybody*!
Gowther: Well *I* fed it,
I put shoes on it's shoulders,
I gave it shelter,
and I read it bedtime stories.
cliche as the openings were.
You all want to kill it.
But honestly, if anyone's gonna do it,
It's gonna be *me*.
Daddy's gone.
Skeeter: Goddamn kill-securin' son of a-
Gowther: Here!
I got you this anniversary present!
the anniversary of when you did me a bother!
don't bother me.
Skeeter: Well shit, this dude's creepy as fuck - les' get outta here
thanks for the anniversary present!
gonna put it on my brother's arm!
It's gonna be as my brother Kleetus would say:
"Kawa-ii"!
Kleetus: God, you said it all wrong
You fuckin' gaijin.
Kleetus: We out, brothers!
Gowther: Bye! Hope I never see you again, but come back soon!
Ban: I can't believe he just killed..
Uh.. Jim?
Eh, the goof's gone stale, anyway.
Gowther: Oh hi Captain! It's been a while!
Meliodas: Am I supposed to know you from somewhere?
Gowther: Of course! We fought side by side!
You anorexic dwarf!
Meliodas: Sorry, what was that?
Gowther: I called you an anorexic dwarf!
Would you like me to say it again, louder?
Meliodas: Ugh, god, ugh.. I know who you are now..
Why do you *schmucks* keep comin' out of the fuckin' woodworks??
Gowther: I just came from a cave, actually.
Meliodas: No, no. That's not what I meant-
Gowther: I get what you meant.
First, I met this little orphan boy-
Meliodas: DON'T EVEN FINISH THAT SENTENCE!
Gowther: Let me finish.
And then I told him to choke on a scrote.
Alright, I'm finished.
Ban: AYYY! GOWTHER!
THE SINNY GOAT-BOY OF LUST! HEYYYYYY!
IT HASN'T BEEN LONG ENOUGH!
You can leave anytime you want.
Gowther: Oh! You're here too, King?
King: Don't talk to me, please.
I don't want my feelings hurt.
Gowther: Oh. You haven't changed at all.
I'm sorry.
King: The subtle ones hurt the most..
Meliodas: So.. like.. *can* we eat it?
Gowther: Oh yeah! Go for it! Only the consequences will stop you!
You also might want to kill it.
Gowther: Oh! Now you're ugly on the outside too?
How expected.
King: Oh..
Meliodas: WAIT - what even *is* this beast??
I'm starting to think it's not a bear!
Ban: Don't lose hope, Cappy! There's still a chance!
Gowther: Guys, guys.
It's just a big, fat, ugly, stinky Demon!
Oh, sorry, I was still looking at King.
King: First of all, I'm a fairy!
Secondly, it's growINNGGG!
Gowther: Yeah, it does that.
We're just lucky it doesn't have mouths and noses yet.
Oh, look! Mouths and noses!
It's a good thing it doesn't have eyes
King: W-Why's that?
Gowther: Because looking at *you* is cruel and unusual punishment, King.
King: Can we please attack the Demon now??
Gowther: I thought I have been.
Meliodas: The thrill of the hunt!
Ban: Cappy! I've never punched nipples this perky before!
Meliodas: Neither have I! Truly, this is a formidable fo-
King: *giggles*
Hey Captain! Look what *I* found!
Ban: IT'S NOT THE SAME, YOU CHEATER!
King: *it's a bear!*
Now watch, as I show you the strength of the fairy bear alliance!
Hah!
Meliodas: Easy way to tell a counterfeit bear!
It died!
King: Counterfeit bear?? NOO!
Gowther: Okay, I'm going to clean this nipple mix off me in the forest. Try not to die.
All: *Huh?*
Ban: Cappy! No matter how much I keep fisting, it just won't pierce its thick hide!
Meliodas: Yeah, I noticed!
But don't worry!
I think I've got a plan.
Ban: Oh really? What is it?
Meliodas: Sword.
Ban: BRILLIANT!
King: If top of the food chain *BEAR* can't do it, do you really think a *normal* weapon will
Meliodas: No, I don't!
Enchanted Hellblaze!
Ban: don't remember Cappy using black flames..
But go, Cappy!
Get him!
Get him with your DEMOBIC flames!
Meliodas: my.. *what flames*?
Oh no..
Ban: Don't worry, Cappy! *I* got a whi-
Welp, I guess this is my chance!
Ban: Okay, Cappy! you had your fun! now it's my turn to get licked by the pony!
Meliodas: Get off me, you lummox! I've got a Demon to kill!
Ban: NO! You've had your shot and do your *big* attack!
and I cheered you on!
I'm gonna get in there! and PUT HIS INSIDES, ON HIS OUTSIDES!
Gowther: Hey guys! I got the mix off me and-
Ban: AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!
Gowther: Oh, you're in the middle of something, okay
Continue.
Meliodas: No, Ban. It's mine.
That's an order.
Now that we got *that* settled-
Ban: Hey, Captain.
Don't tell me what to do.
Meliodas: BAN!
You *better* hope that thing isn't dead yet!
Ban: Oh Captain!
That thing's definitely dead now.
Gowther: Oh Ban!
You of all people should know that taking out *just one* Demon heart won't kill it!
Ban: Yeah!
Wait- wha-wha-what?
Gowther: Not important.
By the way, I put my new best friend Dale here to an illusion of great pleasure
I think I reunited him with his children
Young Guila: Please come home father.
It's been so cold since you left.
Please come back!
And.. maybe feed us too?
Baby Zeal: I crave bear flesh!
Gowther: He needed this.
Ban: Hey, the Captain!
This dumb mimic bunny is hoppin' mad!
Meliodas: I know you're fuckin' with me at this point, but..
I'm gonna kill you, Ban
I know it's impossible right now, but fuck.. I'll find a way.
Gowther: Here comes Dale.
Oh hi Dale!
Ban: Talk to me, Dale!
COME to Daddy Ba-
Meliodas: He-he-he! Suck it, Ban!
King: Don't worry, guys! I got this!
With lots and lots and lots of darts!
The darts didn't work!
maybe..
maybe *more* darts..
Augh god, it's so gross!
Meliodas: I'm your opponent! Quit going after the small fries and attack me!
Ban: Okay, Cappy!
Meliodas: Ow!
King: Gowther, are you going to help??
please help..
Gowther: I'm still deciding whose side I'm on.
Dale is winning.
King: That's fucked up, man..
Not as fucked up as your sister.
or the fact that Ban fucked your sister.
King: *Where are you getting this information from???*
Elizabeth: BOYFRIEEENDDD!
TAKE MY LOVE WHICH IS THIS SWORD
TAKE THIS SWORD WHICH REPRESENTS MY LOVE
TAKE...
*mumble*
Ban: You getting any of that?
Meliodas: I'm glad I'm not.
Elizabeth: FUCK THE DISNEY CHANNEL!
Meliodas: AYE! ELIZABETH!
THROW ME THE SWORD!
Elizabeth: GO, BOYFRIEND!
PROVE YOUR LOVE WITH VIOLENCEEEEE
Meliodas: rrrrr-
Meliodas: rrrrrahhh!
Meliodas: Now who the hell let you run through the forest with a sword?!
Ban: Welp!
I guess this is the end of my pet!
We had a good run!
*laughs*
Eh? What's this?
Angry Radish: *growls*
Angry Radish: *growls* Ban: Oh! It's an angry radish!
Disgusting!
King: This must be some kind of man-made Demon!
but.. who could've done this?
Gowther: It was Hendrickson.
Oh wait.
Yeah, it was Hendrickson
King: So.. are we gonna do anything about it, or..?
Meliodas: No.
Gowther: I'm still picking sides.
Ban: Damn.
I guess my love was too powerful!
Welp! It's over now!
Let's eat!
Helbram: Hmm..
Yep! This looks like a bear head if I've ever seen one!
Great job, Skeeter!
Skeeter: Yer damn right!
Now fuck off and pay me
Helbram: Yes, yes.
The paintings of your sister will be waiting for you on your way out
Skeeter: Paintings of my *brother*.
my "boy brother".
Helbram: Yeah, sure..
Uh..
Now if you could take out the trash, Guila?
Guila: Oh!
R-Right!
Skeeter: Wait no, that's gonna be my brother's new ar-
-awww man!
Helbram: Good job, Guila!
Ya, ya did the thing!
Proud o' you!
Guila: *thoughts* For some reason, I feel.. how do you say..
Guila: *thoughts* closure.
Allen: Hello there, friend-a-loons!
I just came out of this bush to tell you to subscribe to the Schmuck Squad channel!
If you like this video as much as I did anyway!
speaking o' liking videos, go ahead and do that too!
Then, tell me your favorite part on Twitter or Twitch at the Schmuck Squad,
and I'll read you a bedtime story and give you a shoulder-boot!
Gowther: There. I said it.
Now I can bury him.
and his dreams.