[crunch] Mmmmm!
-Oh yeah, that's good.
That's a very good-
[Another man interrupts] -SHUT UP!
-But I didn't even say what I was eating.
[slow dramatic music]
[both yell at same time] I WANT A REMATCH!
Wait. Why do you want a rematch? You won last year.
No, no, no , no. You won.
Well, I mean, your head was in my body...
Dammit! Last year's Food Battle was way too confusing.
Dude, I know!
But I still want a rematch!
Oh, really? Well I'm going to destroy you with my new favorite food...
[unzips pants]
[grunts] Come on. You're embarrassing me.
Giant gummy snake!
If you think your stupid gummy snake could do more everyday tasks
than my pink frosted jelly balls of amazingness
then you're going down, Tate-waffle!
What the hell?
Oh. Thank you.
TATE-WAFFLE.
[muffles like Cookie Monster as he stuffs doughnuts into mouth]
[Metal guitar riff]
Let's do a coffee mug!
[sings to Folger's tune] The best part of when I wake is coffee in my snake!
[Screams in pain] [buzzer goes off]
Oh, that's not too bad.
[suddenly screams in pain]
[buzzer goes off]
What do you want to do today, Mr. Burned hand?
[assumes high pitched voice] Oooh, I wanna do hippo-tits.
Hypnotists.
[in high voice] Yeah, that's what I said, jack ass.
[snickers] Little does Anthony know, but all the best hippo-tits wear bras.
I am now falling into a trance.
I will do what anyone tells me.
Hey! Whenever you hear the word "balls", you'll grab the nearest object
and smash it on your head.
What word?
Balls.
[sudden gasp] [smack]
[bell goes ding]
You're now getting very sleepy.
Just imagine yourself face first in a pair of huge jugs.
[dramatic violin music strikes up]
[bell goes ding]
[clock ticks in background]
Let's do shin guards!
If you have the balls...
[sudden gasp] [glass smashes]
Okay.
Alright, giant gummy snake.
Time to be the best shin guard in hisssstory.
[snickers] [screams in pain] SWEET MONKEY PEE-PEE SAUCE.
[buzzer goes off]
Oh no! I hope this really heavy beach ball doesn't break my leg...
Heh. Heh. Heh. [Screams loudly in pain]
Ohhhhh. Ohhhhh. Whyyyyyyy?
[buzzer goes off]
Let's do....a hot girl.
Yeah, I'll "do" a hot girl.
[chuckles]
[smack]
Ow! My areola!
Come on, doughnut. I know you can be a hot girl.
Oh yeah!
[Scary music from Psycho starts up]
Ewwww. Man bulge!
[buzzer goes off]
Please be a hot girl, gummy snake.
Please, please, please, please, please, please.
[girl shrieks]
Sweet!
Oh, sh*t.
[bell goes ding]
Let's do...
Let's just do this "blankets hide a dead body".
Why?
Uh. No reason.
[whistles cheerfully]
[gun shot]
[man groans]
It worked!
[bell goes ding]
Sweet!
[Police car sirens] Stop right there!
[rapid gun fire]
[Anthony groans]
You wasted a perfectly good gummy snake.
Yeah. [gobbles snake like Cookie Monster]
[bell goes ding]
Oh, dude. What the hell happened to you?
[groans] It's a long story. I got shot cuz' I was out in the back and then I--
[Ian snores loudly]
Fine. Let's just do a CRYSTAL BALL.
Tell me my fortune, you stupid little doughnut.
Alright, let's see....
OH MY GOD. Is that my future girlfriend?
Oh, she's so hot!
[gasps in surprise]
Hey! That's my future wife you're hugging.
Huh?
[Shrieks]
[buzzer goes off]
Alright, gummy snake. Tell me who wins Food Battle this year and I'll love you all night long.
Whoa, bleh. I got impaled by a random sword because I'm a dumb ass.
I guess Anthony will win Food Battle.
Whoa, I'm dying.
Yes! Ian dies.
Well, guess I have to love you all night long.
[romantic music plays]
[Anthony groans in ecstasy]
[bell goes ding]
Let's do....
[thud as snake hits table] Money.
Hey, girl. How much for a little, uh, you-know-what?
How much you got?
Well, I don't exactly have any money, but....
I got something that's bright red and 30 inches long.
Ewww. That's hecka nasty!
Hi-yah! [smack]
[buzzer goes off]
Hello, friendly crack dealer!
I would like to use this to purchase some of your finest drugs.
Whoa...whoa!
I'm tripping and I'm falling towards a sword and it might kill me!
Whoa, whoa, whooaaaaa.
Sword. SWORD.
Whoa....whoa.....whoa....WHOA.
AHHHHH.
Oh. I was almost impaled by that sword.
What the frickin' frick man?!
My gummy snake predicted that you would die and I'd win Food Battle.
Man, that's crazy as balls.
[sudden gasp]
[cat yowls in pain]
[Ian groans]
[Makes dying noises]
[soft sad music starts up]
YEAH! Uh! I'm the winner.
I'm the winner!
[Metal guitar riff]
[groans in pain]
Yeah! My mom's bra stopped the sword.
[chuckles] Yeah!
You know what, man?
I was pissed that you didn't die, but I just realized you're my best friend.
And our friendship is worth way more than any stupid Food Battle.
[Makes crying sounds]
[Ian joins in]
Let's hug it out, bro.
Come here, man.
Man, that's gay as balls.
[sudden gasp]
[Ian groans in pain]
[Anthony groans in pain]
Seriously?
Lady Gaga's toad.
Ewww. Go die somewhere else, you sicko. Ugh. Gross.
[Metal guitar riff]
Ian! Ian! You just won Food Battle 2013!
What are you going to now?!
I'm gonna stroll around the city in my mom's bra!
Wanna come?
F*CK YEAH!
Huh-huh, hey there kids! It's Barney.
To see bloopers from this video and this...
[Ian shrieks in pain]
..click the video right here.
And if you don't, I'll eat your pets!
Cuz' I'm a dinosaur, bitch.
[Barney chuckles]
BARBARA STREISAND'S BALLS.
Click the subscribe button to get a free bra.
[upbeat electronic music plays in background]
[Barney asks] Can I have a bra? [chuckles]
NO. Gross!
Frickin' dinosaur boobs.