♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW MY GUESTS TONIGHT FROM THEIR PODCAST "BODEGA BOYS" AND
THEIR LATE NIGHT SHOW "DESUS & MERO" ON SHOWTIME.
PLEASE WELCOME, DESUS AND MERO.
HELLO, DESUS AND MERO.
>> STEVIE!
>> HOW'S IT GOING, MAN!
>> CBS FAMILY, YAY!
>> STEVIE!
>> IT'S OUR COWORKER.
EH!
>> HE'S PART OF THE CBS FAMILY.
>> MWAH!
MWAH.
>> LA FAMILYA.
HOW MANY PAIRS OF SNEAKERS YOU GOT?
>> OKAY, ON THIS WALL RIGHT HERE, THERE'S PROBABLY ABOUT
100.
BUT THEN THERE'S MORE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CAMERA YOU
CAN'T SEE.
I SAY IT IN THE BOOK, THAT MY MOTHER OFTEN JOKES THAT IT LOOKS
LIKE YOU'RE STARTING A FOOT LOCKER.
SHE HAS BEEN MAKING THE JOKE ABOUT FIVE YEARS NOW.
SHE ALWAYS LAWSTLES WHEN SHE SAYS IT.
I DON'T FIND IT FUNNY.
BUT SHE'S RIGHT.
>> DESUS, THE FIRST STEP IS ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.
>> IT IS A PROBLEM.
ESPECIALLY DURING QUARANTINE, YOU HAVE ALL THESE GREAT
SNEAKERS AND I'M GOING NOWHERE.
NOW THE SNEAKERS ARE LAUGHING AT ME.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU GUYS HOLDING UP UNDER COVID?
HOW ARE YOU HANDLING STAYING AT HOME?
>> HELP ME, STEPHEN.
HELP ME.
>> Stephen: WHY?
WHY, DO YOU NEED MORE HELP?
MERO, YOU NEED MORE HELP THAN DESUS?
WHY?
>> HE DEFINITELY DOES.
>> YES, WELL, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE THING CALLED KOITUS HAPPENED
WITH MY WIFE, AND WE CREATED FOUR BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN --
>> Stephen: AT ONCE?
>> NOT AT ONCE.
>> THE QUARANTINE HASN'T BEEN THAT LONG.
>> BUT, NO, YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF HECTIC OVER HERE IN THE
MARTINEZ HOUSEHOLD.
>> Stephen: WAIT, YOU HAVE FOUR CHILDREN?
>> FOUR.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE THEY?
>> THEY ARE NINE, SEVEN, FIVE, AND THREE.
>> BINGO!
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, NOW GROUPING.
AND, SECOND, GOOD LORD.
>> PRIME NUMBERS.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE IT HARDER.
DESUS, DO YOU NOT HAVE KIDS?
>> I HAVE SIMILAR TO A KID.
I HAVE A PELETON BIKE THAT I USE A LOT, AND I USE THE APP YOGA.
EVERY TIME I WAKE UP I'M LIKE HOW AM I GOING TO FIND 20
MINUTES OF MY DAY TO DO TABADA?
>> SOMETIMES I'M LIKE, HEY, HOW AM I GOING TO FIND 20 MINUTES TO
TAKE A DUMP.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> Stephen: THAT IS A SUBSTANTIAL DUMP, MY FRIEND.
( LAUGHTER )
MEDICAL HELP.
>> MORE FIBER.
>> THAT'S A MARRIED MAN DUMP.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT GOING TOO THE BATHROOM.
YOU ARE GOING INTO A CHAMBER OF ISOLATION.
>> EXACTLY!
>> Stephen: I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.
WE HAVE A RULE IN MY FAMILY.
AND MY RULE IS I DON'T TALK THROUGH A BATHROOM DOOR.
>> THAT'S SMART.
>> Stephen: AND I GO IN THERE A LOT.
>> YES, YES.
>> Stephen: JUST TO BE ALONE.
>> YES!
IT'S LIKE SOLITARY IN PRISON, BUT, LIKE GOOD, YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN?
>> Stephen: RIGHT, CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF
Y'ALL.
YOU JUST GOT PICKED UP, "DESUS & MERO" JUST GOT PICKED UP FOR A
THIRD SEASON ON SHOWTIME.
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
ARE YOU GOING TO STEAL ANY MORE OF MY WRITERS.
>> WOW!
>> Stephen: AM I GOING OUT AFTER THE DECISION IS MADE THAT
YOU'RE STEALING ONE OF MY FAVORITE WRITERS?
IS THAT HOW COLD THIS IS GOING TO GET.
>> STEPHEN!
>> STEPHEN.
>> YOU HAVE TO LET THESE THINGS GO.
>> Stephen: NO, I DON'T!
NO, I DON'T!
I DID LET THINGS GO!
HIS NAME IS MIKE AND I LET HIM GO.
HE WAS UNDER CONTRACT, AND YOU STOLE HIM.
>> WE LOVE YOU, MIKE!
>> Stephen: I LOVE MIKE MORE THAN YOU DO.
DON'T SAY YOU LOVE MIKE.
I LIVE MIKE AND I LOVED HIM FIRST!
I LOVED HIM FIRST.
>> THE BOY IS OURS.
>> THE BOY IS OURSELVES.
>> ALSO, LISTEN -- >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT?
>> WE CAN RELOCATE TO UTAH AND WE CAN BOTH SHARE MIKE.
HE CAN BE OUR SISTER WRITER.
>> Stephen: I'M IN.
I HEAR IT'S BEAUTIFUL, SO BEAUTIFUL OUT THERE.
OKAY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY DREAM GUESTS FOR THE NEXT SEASON?
ANYBODY YOU REALLY WANT TO GET IN THE CHAIR?
>> SO THERE IS THIS GUY, RIGHT, WHO HAS--
>> YEAH, A SHOW.
IT WAS AMAZING.
IT WAS, LIKE, KIND OF LIKE-- I DON'T WANT TO EVEN CALL IT A
SPIN-OFF BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE DOING IT A DISSERVICE.
IT CAME FROM "THE DAILY SHOW."
AND IT STARRED THIS GUY WHO-- >> WHAT'S HIS NAME?
>> I CAN'T REMEMBER HIS NAME RIGHT NOW.
BUT HE WAS JUST REALLY, REALLY GOOD ON.
>> HE WAS HILARIOUS.
YELLING AT THE PRESIDENT AND STUFF.
>> Stephen: LARRY WILL MOR.
THAT'S THE GUY!
>> WAS IT.
>> Stephen: I KNOW HIM.
YOU WANT HIM ON.
I'LL GIVE HIM A CALL.
>> WAS IT?
>> Stephen: YEAH, HE'S A GOOD GUY.
>> HE HAD MORE HAIR.
HE HAD MORE HAIR, THE OTHER GUY.
>> MORE ATTRACTIVE, TOO.
>> YEAH.
HE WAS CUTER.
>> Stephen: JOHN OLIVER?
>> NO, NO, NO.
JOHN OLIVER IS JUST VERY STRESSED OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, EXACTLY.
WE CAN'T TRUST BRITISH PEOPLE.
>> WASN'T HE IN THAT SHOW "STRANGERS WITH CANDY"?
>> YES, HE WAS.
>> Stephen: I KNOW THAT CAT.
HE'S SURE TO BE WILLING TO COME ON.
YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING TO PISS HIM OFF, RIGHT?
YOU HAVE NEVER STOLEN ANYTHING FROM HIM, HAVE YOU?
HE'S DOES NOT LET-- >> BLEEP.
>> NOT TO MY KNOWLEDGE.
>> FARS WE KNOW, THE FREE MARKET, CAPITALISM, ET CETERA.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> TWO-PARTY SYSTEM.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: SURE.
OKAY, YOU GUYS, I HAVE-- I HAVE-- I HAVE BEEN FANS OF YOURS
SINCE BEFORE YOU GUYS BLEW UP.
>> THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: AND I'M JUST CURIOUS WHEN YOU THOUGHT-, OKAY,
NOW WE'VE MADE IT.
WE REACHED A NEW LEVEL HERE.
>> LOOK, THIS IS NOT TO CONTINUE TO STROKE YOUR EGO, WHICH I
WOULD LOVE TO DO, BUT, HONESTLY, WE CAME OUT OF A BUILDING-- I
WAS-- I JUST REMEMBERED THIS.
W CAME OUT OF A BUILDING, AND YOU SAID WE WERE FANS BEFORE WE
BLEW UP.
WE CAME OUT OF A BUILDING AND WE WERE LIKE--
>> WE SAID HELLO TO YOU.
>> AND WE SAID HELLO TO YOU.
>> YOU WALKED PAST US, BUT YOU TURNED AROUND.
AND HAD A CONVERSATION WITH US.
>> YOU COULD HAVE JUST KEPT WALKING.
>> AND THAT CLEARLY WAS BEFORE WE STOLE ONE OF YOUR WRITERS.
>> OBVIOUSLY.
>> Stephen: I THINK THAT'S WHERE YOU GOT THE IDEA.
>> BUT, I MEAN, FOR ME I THINK-- ONE OF THE MOMENTS I KNEW WE
MADE IT-- AND THIS IS ACTUALLY KIND OF SAD FOR ME AND MERO-- WE
WERE ATA NETWORK WHERE WE DIDN'T HAVE A SHOW YET AND WE
WERE AT A WINDY'S LOCATED UNDERGROUND, AND EVERY TIME WE
WENT TO THIS WENDY'S WE WERE RECOGNIZED BY SOME OF THE WORST
PEOPLE IN NEW YORK CITY.
TO STROKE OUR EGO, WE WOULD GO DOWN THERE AND BUY WENDY'S
BURGERS UNTIL WE GOT RECOGNIZED.
>> Stephen: PURPOSELY RECOGNIZED.
>> PURPOSELY.
>> Stephen: THAT IS SAD.
THAT IS SO SAD!
( LAUGHTER )
MORE KIDS THAN I HAD SHIRTS AT THAT TIME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> WE SPENT OUR NETWORK MONEY ON BACONATERS.
>> Stephen: LET'S GET TO THE NEXT THING, THE NEXT LEVEL
YOU'VE HIT RIGHT HERE.
YOU'VE GOT A NEW BOOK.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S CALLED "GOD-LEVEL KNOWLEDGE DARTS: LIFE LESSONS FROM THE
BRONX."
IT'S OUT TODAY.
OKAY.
>> YES, SIR.
>> LET'S GET INTO THIS A LITTLE BIT.
THE FIRST CHAPTER IS HOW DRUGS ARE GREAT.
AND THEN YOU ALSO ENDORSE SHOPLIFTING IN HERE.
>> YEAH!
>> Stephen: WHAT IS-- WHAT IS THE WORST ADVICE YOU GIVE IN
THIS BOOK?
>> UHM...
>> OOOH.
SO MUCH TO CHOOSE FROM.
>> MY WORST ADVICE-- MY WORST ADVICE WAS IN THE CHAPTER ABOUT
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE BROKE.
AND MY ADVICE TO PEOPLE, IF YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING THROUGH
FINANCIAL TROUBLES, JUST RUN UP YOUR CREDIT CARD.
RUN IT UP, MAX IT UP.
LISTEN, HAVE FUN.
>> Stephen: DRINK YOUR WAY TO SOBRIETY.
>> EXACTLY.
WHEN THEY COME FOR THE MONEY NEXT MONTH, YOU SAY I DON'T GOT
IT.
WHAT ELSE CAN THEY DO?
AND THAT'S IT.
>> RINSE, WASH, AND REPEAT.
>> Stephen: GOT IT.
>> FOR ME IT WAS, LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T GOT TYOU DON'T NECESSARILY
HAVE TO PAY FOR IT.
IF YOU'RE IN A BIG BOX STORE AND YOU REALLY NEED, LICE, VASELINE
OR SOMETHING, YOU CAN JUST TAKE IT AND PUT IT UNDER YOUR CART.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THE SECURITY GUARD'S GETTING PAID $10 AN HOUR.
HE'S NOT GOING TO CHASE YOU INTO YOUR FORD EXPLORER TO GET BACK
THAT JAR OF VASELINE.
>> Stephen: YOU GET YOUR VASELINE AT BOX STORES?
HOW MUCH VASELINE DO YOU NEED?
THEY COME IN COSCO SIZE.
>> HE GETS A GALLON AT B.J.'S.
>> LISTEN, WE'RE IN QUARANTINE, RIGHT?
I HAVE FOUR KIDS.
THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF GOING ON DOWN HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> Stephen: I ACTUALLY DON'T.
BUT THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
USED THE WORD "ALLEGEDLY" IN THIS THING.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: LIKE, AS MUCH AS IN A LEGAL BRIEF.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: CAN YOU JUST GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING AS LONG AS
YOU SAY "ALLEGEDLY."
>> AFTER A LIFETIME OF WATCHING JUDGE JUDY, "PEOPLE'S COURT," I
KNOW THE LAW IN AND OUT LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND.
AND IF YOU SAY "ALLEGEDLY" IT'S LIKE CONFESSING YOUR SINS ON
YOUR DEATH BED.
THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING AFTER YOU DO THAT.
>> DONE, YOU'RE GOOD.
>> TAKE THAT, LAWYERS.
>> LOOK AT THAT LOOPHOLE!
>> Stephen: IS THAT PART-- IS THAT SOME OF THE ADVICE--
CNFESS YOUR SINS ON YOUR DEATH BED?
>> OH, YEAH, DEFINITELY.
JUST WAIT FOR LAST MINUTE, AND JUST, LIKE, PICK A RELIGION AT
RANDOM.
BOOM, THERE YOU GO.
>> Stephen: PICK A RELIGION AT RANDOM.
QUICK.
BOTH OF YOU.
>> JUDAISM.
>> BUDDHIST.
>> WHO IS JUDAISM, WHO IS BUDDHISM.
>> I'M JUDAISM.
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW IS UPSTAIRS AND I THINK SHE CAN HEAR ME THROUGH
THE DOOR.
ROSH SHASHANNA JUST PASSED.
>> Stephen: HAPPY NEW YEAR.
FELLAS, WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
DON'T GO AWAY, BECAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE DESUS AND
MERO.