We began tonight's show talking about drugs.
So now, to take the edge off, we turn to drinking...
specifically binge drinking
and where a lot of that drinking happens, fraternities.
First of all, let me just say
fraternities are one of those American things
that, as a foreigner, I just don't understand it.
They're exclusive societies where the only way
to become a member is to be subjected to hours of torture?
Man: One student had written anonymously to the university,
"I was hosed, waterboarded,
force-fed disgusting mixtures of food,
went through physical exercises until I passed out."
Mind you that frat was Guantanamo Bay.
Sounds fun, doesn't it?!
You get kicked and punched lots,
but then you get to hang out and drink.
Or I guess you could just find some friends to drink with
and skip the whole humiliation and violence,
but what would the point of that be?
Some of my best lifelong friendships began
with some of those friends just beating the shit out of me.
It reminds me of that old Groucho Marx joke.
And why is being in a frat referred to as Greek life?
I've read some Greek mythology.
I haven't.
But I don't remember Zeus chugging from a beer bong
or Hera inserting a Vodka-soaked tampon
in order to get into Olympus.
Look. I think my stance on fraternities is clear.
They're stupid. Right?
When I run into a college friend
that I haven't seen for 20 years,
I'd much prefer not to have to sing a song
or do some elaborate handshake.
This is a handshake. You go down the middle.
You keep eye contact. You have a firm grip.
I don't want to do any side-to-side
or up or down or high or low or anything.
And don't grab too quick.
You don't want people's hands like that.
That's their fault.
It's not your fault if they grab too quick.
Pull people up on that! Don't clench until the webbing!
[ Cheers and applause ]
So, yes.
So, yes, handshakes are the worst thing about fraternities.
The second-worst thing? They keep killing kids.
10 students from an LSU fraternity
were charged with hazing
after the death of a freshman last month.
Man: Eight more members of Penn State's
now-banned Beta Theta Pi fraternity
officially charged in connection
with the death of 19-year-old sophomore Tim Piazza.
Hazing deaths due to alcohol are on the rise,
and that's because the primary purpose of fraternities
seems to be giving underage kids a place to drink.
In fact, after years of declining membership,
frats saw a surge in popularity
when the national drinking age was set at 21.
And when college kids aren't able to drink
in public places under supervision,
it pushes them into dangerous situations.
In a crackdown on alcohol on campuses across the country,
we have driven students into their dorm rooms
where they binge drink.
That's deserving of some additional thought
in terms of what the drinking age should be.
Americans still operate with a Prohibition mentality
where alcohol is a bad, secret thing
we need to protect teenagers from.
But bad, secret things are cool!
I mean, Americans are still [bleep] obsessed
with speakeasies.
Even when you're allowed to drink,
you still get off on making it feel like it's illegal.
Only in America are bars more expensive
when they're hard to find.
[Bleep] off.
[ Laughter and applause ]
The United States is one of only 12 countries
where the drinking age is 21.
Look at this list!
These are all countries, allegedly.
And a legal age of 21 is particularly idiotic
when you think about all the other adult responsibilities
that we give to teenagers.
When you are 18 years old and you're capable of
carrying a weapon in defense of your nation,
when you're capable of getting married with no one's permission,
when you're capable of buying a house or what have you,
the idea that you're somehow incapable
of determining whether to buy a six-pack is profoundly silly.
Exactly.
If you're old enough to go to war,
you're old enough to have a beer!
[ Cheers and applause ]
You can't tell a kid, "Hey, son, I'm sorry.
I know you just cradled your best friend's head
because a bomb blew it out the back.
So tonight, two scoops of ice cream in your root beer float.
And, bartender!
Bartender, make that root beer caffeinated.
This man's a hero.
Now go to bed."
And forget about war. Everyone gives the war example.
I say if you can do porn at 18,
then you should definitely be able to drink at 18.
It's -- It's crazy for --
It's crazy for me
that it's legal for a girl to be filmed doing anal
while screaming, "I'm 18, I'm 18,"
at the top of her lungs,
but it's illegal for her to get a drink
with her co-workers afterwards?
You know, to get to know each other on a personal level.
The biggest sexual organ is right up here.
The reality is, everyone drinks before they turn 21.
That's why when you go out for your first "legal" drink,
you have to react with that faux surprise
like you've never heard of alcohol before.
"Ooh! What does this alcohol taste like?
Mmm! Oh, it's unusual. Ooh!
This is the first time for me.
I must continue to sample this unusual nectar.
Mmm!"
[ Laughter ]
In France, parents give their kids a bit of wine with dinner
so they can learn how to drink responsibly.
That makes sense to me.
Like, how come in America we won't let our kids have alcohol
but we'll let them have guns?
Believe me, when it comes to alcohol versus guns,
if someone's going to overdo it,
I'd rather someone go on a binge than a spree.
[ Applause ]
And...
until America changes its ridiculous drinking age,
parents need to teach their kids responsibility.
In some states like New York,
minors can drink alcohol if it's given to them by a parent.
And nothing would make drinking less cool
than parental endorsement.
So, mum and dad, do your part
by getting wasted in front of your kids at home.
Soon your teenager will learn to associate drinking
with watching dad rub his goolies up against mum's thighs