I'm gonna go into that in this video
and more importantly,
how you can deal with why they are
so mean in an effective way.
Hey there, I'm Rebecca Zung
and I am a narcissist negotiation expert.
I've written two bestselling books.
Negotiate like you matter
and breaking free a step by step divorce guide
and on this channel and in this videos,
I help you with everything narcissism.
How to effectively communicate with them.
How to fight back against them.
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Alright.
Let's talk today about why narcissists are just so mean
and they're not even mean to certain people all the time.
They only mean some of the time,
which is even more confusing.
They're only mean when they are in certain moods.
You know and sometimes it's even hard to predict,
which makes it even more difficult for their targets.
I like to call people targets rather than victims
because it kinda makes it more what it really is.
You know the narcissist actually
goes after the person.
They're creditors is really what it is.
They pick people and they pray upon them
and they know how to manipulate them in a certain way
rather than victim because even though
you are a victim of narcissistic abuse.
I kinda feel like it makes you feel like
you're sort of stuck in that place
and you're not stuck in that place.
So that's why I use the word target more
than victim I don't know.
It's just sort of a semantics thing,
a mental thing for me because having been
somebody who was a target slash victim
of narcissistic abuse.
I just prefer t use the word target
because I definitely was targeted
and even though I was a victim of it.
I didn't stay a victim of it
that's sort of it as an aside.
Anyway, why are they so mean?
First of all, you have to understand
what's going on with these people.
They are desperate inside.
They feel a desperate sense of emptiness inside.
You know, they're basically in the survival mode all of the time
and yes, you can feel a sense of compassion for that
and as empaths, that's how they drew you in.
That's why they targeted you in the first place
because you are deeply compassionate person.
In a lot of ways, your downfall was definitely mine
and it continues to be in so many ways.
You know?
I I still find myself fighting
this need to want to help people.
This need to want to save the wrong people
and finding myself as a victim
sometimes of wanting to help people
and being drawn in and being taken
advantage of by the wrong people
because I have this bleeding heart
and I believe people when they tell me
you know, that they're going to do better
and even when they have shown me who they are
and I don't believe them the first time
even though I should even though they've shown me.
You know, so I'm gonna tell you right now
when people show you who they are.
Believe them the first time.
Don't discount what you've seen.
Believe them the first time.
See it.
Know it.
Feel it.
Hear it.
Understand it.
Don't put it aside.
You know, you just have to understand
that regardless of what they say,
how heartfelt it looks,
how real it seems,
the tears they cry, whatever it is.
If you've seen red flags, leave them.
That's my PSA for the day.
I'm telling you right now,
but why are they so mean because they
feel desperate they feel empty inside.
They hate themselves basically.
I mean and that's why you know,
they are like they are.
You know, I have a whole video on this is
how narcissists contradict themselves.
I mean and they do.
They're constantly contradicting themselves.
They're back and forth constantly.
It is very, very confusing and so they put other
people down to make themselves feel good.
I mean, I I call it co-level supply because
it's it's not the best kind of supply to them.
The best kind of supply to them is adulation.
You know, when people are literally fawning all over them,
you're so great,
you're so wonderful,
you're so amazing.
You know, that's diamond level supply
or grade a level supply or the top shelf best
kind of supply that they can get from a person.
But kinda like the next level down
of supply that they can get
which feeds their ego is putting people down,
making people feel small,
because that beefed up their ego to make people feel small.
You know, they lack empathy.
They don't see when they have tree to people poorly.
They don't feel anything about it.
They don't feel any sense of remorse about it
and when you try to tell them that
you've made me feel bad.
You know, you've hurt my feelings.
You've caused me pain that doesn't register for them.
They don't feel anything about that.
It's like saying,
you know, the walls are white.
I think sometimes they know that other people say,
oh, walls are white and everybody has reacted.
You know, sort of like so and so his mother has died,
oh, wow.
You know, so like they know they're supposed
to react when people say certain things.
They've been taught what they're supposed to feel.
So they know how they're supposed to act in certain situations,
it doesn't mean that they actually do feel that.
So when they act mean,
when they are mean to you.
Most of the time, they only feel their own pain.
I've often said it's sort of like people who have a toothache.
You know, if you have a really bad
you've ever had a really bad tooth ache.
All you can feel is this massive pain in your mouth
and you know, you can hear what other
people are saying to you at that time
but it's it's like I hear what you're saying,
but I can't really register
what you're saying because all I can
feel is this pain in my mouth right now.
It's like that because you're just in such pain.
That's all you can think about.
It's it's sort of like that, I I think
is is the way I picture it and they have this sense of entitlement
like, you're supposed to revere me.
You're supposed to give to me.
I mean, that's all part of the disorder, right?
So understand this.
You know, there's a thing from Al Anon that
I've always thought was
such a great way to also handle narcissist.
It's given me solace when I've dealt with narcissist
and that is the three c's,
you didn't cause it,
you can't control it,
and you can't cure it.
The three c's.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
So just breathe.
Just breathe through it.
I did a podcast where I interviewed
one of my former SLAY clients.
He went through my SLAY program,
successfully and did such a great job with it.
It was really successful for him.
His name was Christian Gottlieb.
by the way, it's not his real name
but it was the name that he wanted to use for
the interviews.
Listened to the podcast.
So good.
It was called surviving narcissism.
He talked about how one of the
ways that he survived was listening
and reading the book by Victor Frankl,
Man’s search for meaning
and how that really helped him survive
a twenty five year marriage to a narcissist.
Definitely check out that podcast.
So good.
Alright?
So if you're trying to understand why narcissists are so mean,
just understand it nothing to do with you.
Don't take it personally.
I talk a lot about the book that I love
also called the Four Agreements
and one of the agreements that you make
is never to take anything personally
because the way people treat other people is a direct
reflection of the way they feel about themselves.
If you are so ready to SLAY,
put “SLAY!” in the comments right now
because I know you are so ready to slay.
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and if you are needing extra support
and you don't have your own form of
therapy and you don't have your own place
to get support. I
do have a partnership with better help online therapy.
You can go to betterhelp.com
So don't sit out there without the
help and support that you need.
Get the help and support that you need.
So thanks so much for stopping by.
Remember, that they only win if you give in.
today is a great day to start negotiating your best life.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
I'm Rebecca Zung
and I will see you in the next video.