Today, we're talking boundaries and standards and I don't think there could
be any more important topic to discuss. A lot of women. In fact, a lot of people
come to me with boundary issues in their relationships, and it's not just
something that a lot of women struggle with. It's something that I know I struggled
with too. So today, I'm talking the four types of boundary lapses. We tend to
think of just one, but there's four types of boundary lapses we have in relationships,
and I've got Jermia in to demonstrate them and you'll be able to see what she does,
how they look in her as the perpetrator and thus recognize them hopefully in
yourself and in others. Boundary breach number one, the person who can't be told no.
Jermia: Chloe canceled on our plans tomorrow. What are you doing?
Do you want to hang out?
Mark: Babe, I booked poker with the boys. Remember? I told you about this.
Jermia: Well, what's more important? The girl that you love or some card game?
Mark: Babe, that's not fair.
Jermia: I just want to spend time with you. I mean, we don't even have money
to be spending on poker right now anyway. What? Do you just not want to
hang out with me?
Mark: Of course, I want to hang out with you.
Jermia: Well, then let's hang out together. I mean, I love you. Do you want to leave
me at home alone on a Saturday night or do you love me too?
This is the person who cannot be told no. They either blatantly charged through
others' boundaries or they manipulate their way through in more subtle ways.
It doesn't have to be in a romantic relationship either. It can be a friend
who expects you to be there for her all of the time. It could be a mother who
drops around whenever she feels like it could be a boss who expects you to
stay late when frankly, you don't want to. Any of these people can be the person
who can't be told no. Now interestingly, this is actually an inward reflection of
them. They can't tell themselves no. So if someone is very impulsive
and wants their desires met straight away and they expect other people to
help them achieve that, then they're the type of person who can't take no
for an answer. So it's actually a lack of impulsive, a lack of impulse control
on that person's behalf. That leads to them expecting others to always say
yes to them.
Number two, the person who can't tell someone no.
Mark: Hey babe. Hey, I've been thinking, I know what we're going to do Christmas
at yours this year. I know we have done it at my fam's the last couple, but you
know mom's had a really tough year and my sister moved out this year,
so she's feeling really down about everything. So it would mean the world to
me and especially to my mom if we could do it at my family's this year.
Jermia: Um, I mean my family, we're really looking forward to seeing us.
Mark: I know it would mean the world to my mom if you could do this for her.
Jermia: Okay. Um, yeah, yeah, that's fine. We can do that.
Mark: Thank you baby. You're the best.
This is the person we classically think of when we think of someone who
lacks boundaries. It's the person who can't tell someone 'NO' either through
fear of confrontation, fear of hurting someone's feelings, fear of being
selfish or fear of guilt, fear of even abandonment. This person is unable
to give others a firm NO. If this isn't worked on, this can actually attract
them to the first person that we showed. The person who can't be told no.
The person who can't say no to someone often fits well romantically with a person
who can't be told no in a rather unhealthy and unfulfilling coupling.
Number three, the person who can't be told yes.
Jermia: Oh my God, I've got so much to do. I've got to finish these lunches,
so you've got to take Sarah to Kindy. I've got to come see Laughlin's teacher
because apparently he's been acting up again. I still got to call the electrician.
I haven't had a chance to call anyone about dinner tonight. I don't know if
they liked the menu that I've set. I haven't even had a chance to go
and get the groceries.
Mark: Babe. Let me help you. Okay. I can see Laughlin's teacher, I can
call the electrician and I can even get the groceries. Okay, let me help you.
Jermia: No, it's fine. You've got to work.
Mark: Babe let me help you? What, what can I do? Which...
Jermia: No, it's fine, like I've got this.
So this is the person whose boundaries are too high and concrete and
impenetrable to receive love. It could be because they were used in the past
or made to feel guilty over it. i .e. "Hey, I did this for you. You should love
me and do this back for me." Or it could be that they simply feel unworthy of
receiving the love of others. The bottom line is that they find themselves rejecting
love and rejecting the good incoming into their lives, which could actually help them.
And number four is the person who can't say yes.
Mark: Hey, how's your day?
Jermia: Yeah, good, thanks.
Mark: Oh man, work's been crazy. Hey, there's so many people who want so
much from me. I'm running so many projects at the same time.
It's like everyone wants something. Babe?
Jermia: Oh, that sucks.
Mark: Babe, I mean, I know you're busy and stuff. Can we like, can we talk for a bit?
Like people are saying shit at work and it just feels like awful. He's expecting and...
Jermia: Babe, I'm really busy right now and I'm not in charge of your feelings. I've got
enough stress in my own going on. So can you just figure it out?
This is the person and an example would be the classic narcissist whose boundaries
are too high and concrete to give love. Basically, they have no regard for the
people around them, the communities around them, et cetera.
Well, that is the video. Leave your thoughts, comments, questions, write down in
the comment box below as well. Give the video a thumbs up and make you
hit that big red subscribe button with the little bell. Thanks again for watching
and I'll see you in the next video very soon.
Jermia: [inaudible] no, that is not that I need to meet. This is sound check, check,
check. I'm making your sound check here. All right. Sorry. Oh, you're going so well. I
was building out there. Can we make that the title photo? I mean, I mean, you're the best.
You're the best Vimeo. Yes. [inaudible] well, the closest that Michael ever had to blooper.
That's not true. I had the shut up from the last one. The bowl syrup rice. I forgot to
bring a fork. Yeah. Eating rice with his bare hand like an animal. Cause you give me stuff
like this to learn perfectly. You're still learn four paragraphs. Four isn't one. It's
too much on like one line precise to the point. This is my attempt to have butter and bread.
Can you see advertising [inaudible].