- [clears throat]
- Welcome to Pork E. Pine's, home of the...
deepest ball pit on Earth.
- It's okay, Anton. It's just me.
- [sighs] Thank God.
After you asked me to lock up last night,
I realized I didn't know how to do that, so...
I just stayed.
- [sighs]
- What's this? - My resignation.
- What? - It's not my decision, baby.
INS finally caught up to me. I'm an illegal alien.
- From space? - From Canada.
My work visa expired.
It's either deportation or marry a U.S. citizen.
- Will you marry me, Lori Antoinette?
- Stop it. Get up.
- But I need you to run this place,
and you need me for citizenship.
We're a perfect match.
- Are you putting a pretend ring on my finger?
[shimmering tone]
[playful music]
- [man singing] This is America
Land of dreams
Everyone can climb higher
- [women singing] Not you, though
- You're stuck here
- 'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah
- [man singing] You can do anything
- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard
- [man singing] And you can go anywhere
- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car
- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success
- [woman singing] Come on, that's not who you are
- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed
With full-time dreams
And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems
Bad as it seems
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Whoa
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Oh
Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?
[creaks, crashes]
[video games beeping, whirring]
all: Congratulations!
- Calm down, guys. This isn't a real wedding.
- But it could be. Can we have it here?
Please, please, please. I can plan everything.
- I call bachelorette party.
I'm gonna get started on the balloon dogs.
- Uh, no. We're just going to the courthouse.
- No, you're not.
You ever deal with the INS before?
You can't just pop a quickie and take American jobs.
They want pictures. They want proof--
courtship, cohabitation, wedding night.
- Guys, guys, there's not gonna be a wedding.
I just got off the phone with my dad,
and he has a strict no-marrying- my-ex-lovers "policy."
- Guys, I can't get deported.
My family had to flee after the Feds busted
my dad's black-market maple-syrup operation.
- There's a market for illegal syrup?
- I'd like to see you try and take on Big Maple.
- Hmm. Maybe someone else--
both: I'll do it.
- Come on, man, I can move in with Lori,
then move out of my mom's house.
- Dude, married people get hit on four times more than singles.
This could be the best thing to happen to my sex life.
- Wow. The moment that every girl has dreamed of.
- You know what, Lori?
You're right. You deserve better.
We should handle this how they do in the real world--
with a series of dates that culminates
in one of your suitors receiving the final rose.
- So not only do I have to marry one of you two idiots,
but now you ruin one of my favorite shows?
- Yes. - Yeah.
- I love planning, and I love weddings.
Which one do I like more?
Definitely planning.
Oh, but weddings...
- Yeah.
I've been planning my wedding since I was five.
- Oh, stop.
You have strong lips.
Whoa!
What are you doing?
We're just friend birds, remember?
- Sorry.
I thought you were saying-- - I wasn't.
- Yeah, sorry.
[indistinct chatter, video games beeping]
- Lori Antoinette.
- I don't know why you keep calling me that.
That is not my name.
- Two men will prove how valuable they can be to you
as companions, roommates, possibly lovers.
- Ugh. - Because you are...
the Boss-lerette.
[fanfare plays]
May I present to you bachelor number one...
Ian?
- What's up? It's me, your future husband.
- Guys, I've got to work.
- And I know that's important, because I literally have no idea
how you do whatever it is that you do, but first...
- Allow me to take you on a fun-filled adventure.
[upbeat dance music]
- What the hell?
[music continues]
[music stops]
- It's the hottest nightclub this side of the car wash.
- It's my office.
- I just want to show you that with me,
it's always a party, 24-7.
- You think I'm gonna come home to this every night?
Next.
- I don't know. Maybe she'll choose Dinger.
At least he could defend against an intruder,
although he's probably more likely
to think she's the intruder and end up attacking her, so...
Can you hand me some tape?
Thank you.
[sighs]
- Oh. - Pete!
- I swear I wasn't looking at your butt!
- Bachelor number two is quite the chef.
He's prepared a magnificent fridge-to-table meal,
all with locally sourced ingredients.
As the French would say, bon appetite.
- Salad de Dinger!
- It looks like you just scraped that out of the meat freezer.
- Yeah, but I flavored it with soda syrup.
It's actually really good.
- Oh, Lord.
I'm gonna need some of that wine.
- Oh, my pleasure. It's Kool-Aid with tree bark--
you know, for the tannin.
- All you idiots can come up with
are glow sticks and tree bark?
I don't know why I expected more, but I did.
You make Canadian prison seem more like a pleasure cruise.
- She's right, man. We're blowing it.
We need to take this sham wedding seriously.
Ooh, I have an idea.
Ladies and...
ladies.
- Whoo! - Whoo-hoo.
The final challenge for the evening
before Miss Lori Antoinette must select her husband!
- Still not my name.
- May I present to you your hunks for the evening?
- Whoo! [upbeat electronic music]
Yes!
- [laughs] - Yes!
Take it off! - All right.
- [laughs] - All right.
- Yes! Take it off!
Take it off!
- Whoo! - Oh!
- Yes! Yes!
[music continues]
[women cheering]
[melancholy music]
[doorbell rings]
- Hi. - Are your parents home?
- No.
- I wanted to apologize about today.
- No, I'm the one who-- - I don't want to be friends.
- You don't?
- I want to be... a little more.
[sultry music]
So how about it, Pete?
You want to be a little more than friends with me?
[music continues]
There's something really different about you.
- You want to watch me do push-ups?
- Yeah. Whoa.
[floor creaking]
You're really turning me on.
- I know.
I'm your subconscious.
- What?
[gasps]
Hey, um, Pete?
Can I talk to you for a second?
I was thinking that-- - Nope.
Already know what you're gonna say, all right?
And, uh, I've realized you were right.
I don't think we're meant to be together.
So...
let's just keep it easy.
Friend birds?
- Friend birds.
- Cool.
[sad slow music]
- We're gathered here today
so that Lori doesn't have to leave the country.
Lori, would you like to say your vows at this point?
- I would.
I choose you
because I know you'll be the least annoying roommate.
- And you...
- [shudders]
And I choose you, Lori,
because Anton won't let me live at his place anymore.
[top pops]
- Aw.
[organ music playing]
I pronounce you wife and wife.
[all cheering]
[organ music playing]
- Okay, that's enough. - Mwah!
- Y'all messing up my suit.
- Awesome.
all: [chanting] Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!
Kiss, kiss, kiss! - Hell, no.