Okay. More about me.
I've said it a 100 times during this set,
but I'm a single woman.
And I was thinking to myself,
"Nicole,
how have you dated anyone past three dates?
How, how, how, how?"
And I was like, "Oh yeah, I tricked them."
Because men seem to really love a chill girl.
You know, a girl who's chill.
A chill girl.
And I'm not chill, I'm fucking crazy, okay?
I'll be saying normal things out loud to a guy
and thinking the most insane things.
Out loud I'm like, "Tee-hee,
yes, you're very funny.
Let's get a drink. Who me?
I love a taco."
And then...
And then I'm thinking insane things like,
"Why does it take you more than 30 seconds to text me back?"
"Will you ever love me more than you love your dog?"
"I know it's only been three months,
but if you die, do I get to go to your funeral?
And is that when I get to meet your mother?"
That last one's not a joke.
I...
said that out loud to a friend
and she was like, "Bitch you got to chill."
But I've been observing you couples out in the wild.
And I think I've figured it out.
You trick them by being chill at first.
And then a couple months in,
you get to be fucking crazy.
Truly, the arguments you people have
in public are fucking bonkers, okay.
And I fucking want in, all right?
I want to be in an elevator with my boyfriend and six victims.
And...
...I want to look up at him 'cause he's taller than me and be like,
"Hey, let's have a baby."
And he's like, "Nicole now is not a good time."
And I'm like, "There's never a good time."
I don't even want a baby. I just want those six people to know
we're gonna talk about this later.
I was in a supermarket recently in the produce section.
Thank you.
And...
there was a couple shopping for apples
and he was nuzzling her neck and she said,
"Tee-hee-hee.
Tee-hee-hee.
Tee.
So, you're a Red Delicious, what am I?"
And he goes, "Oh, I don't know, a Granny Smith."
The way this woman reacted.
She truly kicked the cart and was like,
"A Granny Smith?!"
They probably went home and had hate sex.
I want in, okay?
I was at a restaurant recently
eavesdropping on a couple trying to scoop secrets,
and the server came over and said,
"How's dinner?" and she said, "Funny story.
So, when our food came, I made him switch with me."
And I was like, "This bitch stole this man's food."
There are rules.
He agreed to go to a restaurant.
He sat down, he opened the menu.
He said, "I want that, that came to me."
And she said, "Nuh-uh." Do you know what I mean?
And they probably went home and she got a good deep dicking.
I want in!
I want to behave poorly in public and behind closed doors
he's like, "I tolerate you." You know what I'm saying?
I want an exhausted man. That's what I want.
I want an exhausted man.
I want to bring my boyfriend to a party and go, "That's my boyfriend."
And he goes...
"I love her."