- Putting on audio recording on video.
(laughing softly)
Hey guys
(coughs)
and please excuse as always
if you can hear Brooks in the background,
she's playing with garbage.
What's new nothing?
Nothing's really changed.
A lot of my old content hasn't aged well
(chuckles softly)
or maybe that's being a little too harsh.
It's not that it has an aged well,
it's just there's so much to look back on.
There's so much Bi content to look back on.
Oh God, this is gonna be a video.
Okay I should rewind.
I should give you a little bit backstory
for any of you who are new here.
Hi, my name is Alayna Joy.
I'm gay
(chuckles softly)
but it hasn't always been like this.
I have been making queer content on this platform
for the past five years at this point,
mostly focused on bisexuality and being
bisexual.
And then not so long ago,
I realized that that label doesn't actually fit me.
I'm not, I'm not actually Bi I'm just a plain old homo.
(cheering softly)
So I thought that it would be fun.
Fun for who?
Fun for you guys.
I don't know, I don't know how I feel about it.
I thought it would be interesting, possibly educational,
possibly insightful to look back on some of that old content
and respond to it now that we know what we know.
(laughing happily)
Oh God, I have not looked back over any of my old stuff
since all of this went down.
So I'm just as curious as you are to see where I once was.
So I'm gonna go through some of those old videos today
alongside you and we're gonna see where my head was at.
(chuckling softly)
Oh no and my thing's giving a low battery.
Okay but before we jump into that,
I do wanna thank the sponsor of today's video
LELO.
I am so excited about this partnership.
This is a brand that I have loved for a long time.
(laughing softly)
LELO is a sexual wellness brand and they make
absolutely beautiful adult toys.
I'm gonna get more into it in a minute,
but if you're interested in checking any of this out
in the meantime the link is in my description.
Okay.
I'm gonna come over here
and we're just gonna go to my channel
and let's just go to my sexuality playlist
and see what's up.
Oh no!
(laughing loudly)
oh no,
it's just it's bad.
Oh, it's bad right away it's immediately bad.
Like even the titles,
my straight boyfriend rates my gay outfits.
Why didn't I call it my Bi outfits?
Why did I say gay outfits?
And then I forgot that this existed.
(laughing softly)
I literally have a video saying,
"Can a bisexual call themselves gay?"
And this is the thumbnail.
Oh this is gonna be so much worse than I thought.
Finding out how gay we are.
And this is the thumbnail.
This is a hindsight as 20/20 kind of moment.
I didn't...
Wow I really,
I really wanted to call myself gay near the end here.
Let's start with, "Can a bisexual call themselves gay."
Oh what am I gonna say?
- I also just forgot we were actually already recording.
(laughing loudly)
- Oh Bree I miss you girl.
Once this quarantine is up let's collab.
I'm so afraid of upsetting people.
- Yeah, you are.
- Like this is like, I'm like, so non-confrontational,
I just never want to upset anybody ever.
And so I should never.
True.
Called myself gay or like use that as a label.
Like even jokingly, even something like on Instagram,
like commenting on like--
- Oh my God, could I get gayer.
- For yeah even that makes me like
I see other bisexual.
Oh okay.
Oh yeah there's already so much to break down.
So I'm talking about how I never call myself gay.
I have never once used the word because it makes me feel.
(humming joyfully)
Is that because I was afraid
of making other people uncomfortable,
or is it because I was afraid making myself uncomfortable.
A little too real Alayna
I see other bisexual people doing that
and I'm like oh you go.
- That's very gay of you.
(laughing happily)
- Bree you're gonna get me in trouble.
- I've had an interesting experience lately.
- You're gonna get me in trouble with myself
in my own brain.
The alarm bells were already going off.
I guess I've always thought of the word gay as meaning,
like just attracted to the same gender as you, exclusively.
But even with that understanding,
I've also felt like oh well somebody who's Bi is also gay.
Because this is like the whole like 50-50 thing,
at the place where I volunteered that give me heart.
Yes okay yes so, yes.
I still agree with that.
Those who identify as Bi are also gay.
I'm looking at this now and I'm like,
am I just rationalizing that I can be both Bi and gay
'cause all I really wanna be is gay.
Oh Alayna.
And then top comment on this video is,
"Well, well how the turn tables."
(laughing softly)
Oh no,
okay let's go on to the next one.
Finding out how gay we are.
Okay Alayna let's use internet quizzes
to find out how gay you are.
Oh no, the top comments oh no,
"Oh no, the newly gained context to this video."
So this age, well, huh?
Watching this now hits different
damn.
- [Woman] Those videos-
(murmuring loudly)
- I miss you both.
I miss you both.
- This is anticlimactic.
All these is now that I'm gay not Bi.
(murmuring softly)
I know what a thing I said.
Wait what?
This anticlimactic all these is now that I'm gay not Bi.
(murmuring softly)
Oh my God!
What is that called the premonition?
(laughing softly)
June seventh, wait, what day it is?
Is it the?
It's the end of July?
Whoa just over one year ago.
Okay well thanks for watching guys.
It's official I really I'm Bi
the jury's no longer out.
I'm still a little bit out.
It's just for show Bree
it's just for the camera.
Okay it's just a show, it's just for the cameras.
No it absolutely wasn't for show or for the cameras.
I genuinely did believe that I was bisexual
for years.
- I think when I see an activity gets hired here
isn't by sexuality.
- Yeah but no one is gonna believe.
(laughing loudly)
- When it comes out as lesbian does it like Bree.
- Surprise!
Doesn't whatever.
(laughing loudly)
Okay, all right well.
Whoa, Oh, Whoa.
This whole this is so,
oh my God I'm sweating.
I'm.
(gentle upbeat music)
That's pretty much how it went.
No okay, look, this is what I wanna talk about.
This is what I wanna say.
A lot of you wanna know
why it took me so long to figure this out.
How come I didn't know sooner.
And once I did start to figure it out,
like how, where did that come from?
And what I wanna touch on today is fantasy.
I didn't fantasize.
Like genuinely I didn't have,
I didn't have fantasies and looking back
that's because if I ever did start to fantasize
if I ever did allow myself that,
it was not with men and that made me really uncomfortable,
I felt like I was doing something wrong.
Because there was something in my brain that knew
that what I was living in real life felt different than
if I were to fantasize.
Then the things that I would fantasize about,
and that's where I want to encourage self exploration.
You have to, for all of you out there who are messaging me,
emailing me, leaving comments,
saying that you are questioning your sexuality as well.
The number one thing that I can offer you is fantasy
time alone, time with yourself,
time to explore your own desires.
And that's where my partnership with LELO comes in.
And that's why I'm so excited about it.
Exploring fantasy in the safety of your own home,
in the safety of your own room,
in the safety of your own body is an excellent way to begin
or continue exploring your sexuality.
Whether you're in a relationship,
whether you're single,
whether you have sexual partners or not.
Spending time by yourself with your own body,
your own mind is crucial,
especially now more than ever.
It's quarantine baby,
what else you gonna do other than your self?
And so I would encourage you to check out the link
in the description,
check out LELO to learn more
and check out some of what they have to offer.
Like, I'm sorry, are you joking?
This is the sexiest sex toy I've ever seen in my life.
And I love that it comes in black.
You get to choose your color.
And I like that I didn't have to choose pink
or you want pink, you can choose pink.
It's up to you, your sex life,
your body, your toys, your choice.
And even now that I've made these changes
and I've really come out,
I cannot stress to you enough how much fantasy
has played into my own self exploration?
I feel brand new to all of this.
There's so much that I didn't allow myself to feel
because it set off alarm bells,
because I knew that it was too much.
And now allowing myself to explore all of that on my own.
I feel
like a virgin.
No, no, no.
I feel it all feels new and exciting.
And what I'm trying to say is that
you can have that same experience.
All you need is a lockable door.
(laughing excitedly)
So thank you again to LELO who's sponsoring this video.
All of this is linked in the description.
If you wanna check any of these out,
I really appreciate not only your brand,
but your brands continued support of queer creators.
Okay I wanna react to the classic.
"I threw my sexuality a goodbye party."
Oh no!
- [Dad] What is that?
- Gift bags.
- [Dad] For Who?
- Oh no, oh no immediately right at the gate.
We've got anti bisexuality imagery.
Oh no this is stressful.
And the top comment is no no,
turns out she was throwing her bisexuality a goodbye party.
Just not in the way she thought.
"Hello homosexuality, welp foreshadowing."
(laughing softly)
- [Dad] This is so hard to watch.
Pink are you sorting through the colors?
- Yeah I'm sorting them goodbye fade colors.
For the theme of the party.
Hey, now if I threw one I wouldn't have to sort them at all.
It just rainbow skittles how fitting?
Do you think our love is a joke?
- [Dad] I don't understand.
- [Alayna] Oh its-
Oh no this is sad, oh, it's sad too.
It's funny and it's sad.
Goodbye ladies, goodbye non-binary folk.
Hello homosexuality.
Heterosexuality.
- [Dad] Wow!
- I've got a ways to go.
I'm still getting you.
Oh, Friday and slip that was a Friday and slip.
Not getting used to this whole new me.
New engagement new me.
New break up new me.
Goodbye bye Bob.
I'm making my hair longer.
- [Dad] By straightening it.
- Yeah.
I'm just working on the length.
- [Dad] Okay.
- Keeping the natural curl or gaining inches there.
I'm gonna look straight already.
Well, we got rid of the bye Bob,
but it didn't make me straight.
(soft music)
Okay.
After some finagling we have switched our audio
system completely.
(laughing softly)
Where were we?
Ah, yes, watching back my own past.
Lack of self awareness.
Fun.
- I was on the Grenville strip last night.
I wouldn't have noticed you.
- Cheers, you'll get though really,
no homo.
- As they are straight there.
- Heyley take it back,
take it back yes homo.
So I heard that we could like do some pickup lines.
- Who to me?
- Yeah.
- Oh I got to get you.
- Here we go straight. - Yeah so I know.
- So don't get so excited. - No I know.
- You giving off mixed signals.
- No I know.
(laughing happily)
- A little bit hilarious playing
the confused one in this video.
(sighing heavily)
- [Dad] Skittles are good though.
She put a lot of work into those.
- Really good really (murmurs) though.
- [Dad] Worked on them all morning.
- The grief.
- [Dad] The sense of loss.
- Yeah sense of loss there's a pinch sense of loss
or whatever mournful, confusion.
- [Dad] Denial.
- Heartbreak (indistinct) okay.
Oh no.
(laughing loudly)
This video is so bad.
This is so bad.
I have to remake this.
I have to remake this video.
The confusion, the denial.
Oh no!
- No giving up.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Is that a little
mirror in your pants?
'Cause I can see myself in them.
I don't hate myself.
It's actually a diva cup.
(laughing loudly)
No that's the guess I've heard all day.
Honestly same.
- Great.
(shaking hands loudly)
- Again with the like really subtle.
Hey if diva caps are gay, me too.
- [Dad] Shall not today.
- More people to just like jump out of the closet.
Not only of them.
- [Dad] Yeah and I just (murmurs).
- Now I thought that I'd beg him.
I thought that we could like these far-
Whoa the idea of getting married did make me feel
like I was heading back into the closet.
Wonder why that was.
You'll come to the party and get there
I give you gifts.
- That's your time I can give you anything.
- That's true and you really didn't.
- Yeah I thought you were going to the party.
- I'm just like receding further and further into myself.
You know how it is.
Yeah for press, for press, for press.
- I get ya, no I need to.
ah how what?
- Thanks so much for watching guys.
The irony, irony.
- Guys and I'm secretly gay.
(murmurs)
Awesome.
- Plot twist.
You're like oh my God this is-
Plot twist, twist.
And it turns out it wasn't Heyley.
That was secretly gay the whole time
I hate this video.
There's so much more to react to.
Oh no, this one's cold.
Yes I like girls more than guys sometimes.
Oh, what does she say there?
Let me know if this type of video interests you guys,
because there's a lot more that I could respond to here,
but I think this is long enough.
Oh this is painful reacting to me before I was out.
That's kind of what I'm doing right now.
And if you do want me to make another video like this,
let me know in the comments.
If there are any specific moments from previous videos that
that I could respond to,
it's really bizarre.
It's bizarre going through all of this,
like experiencing it first hand,
it's even more bizarre to have a catalog of your life
in video that you can then look back over
and reflect on.
I thought this was interesting.
I thought this was
fun.
And I would love to make more videos like this
if it would interest you guys.
So let me know in the comments down below,
once again a huge thank you to the sponsor of this video,
LELO.
If you wanna check out their brand
or any of these products,
the link is in the description.
And as always a huge thank you to my VIP patrons,
my vitally important producers.
I love you guys very much.
That's it for this video.
And I'll see you guys in the next one.
Bye.
Do I have to change that part of my outro now, too?
Can I not say bye anymore?
I thought that we could light these sparklers.
I'd like say goodbye to my sexuality forever.
I mean the gay part,
and mine is a four.
(laughing softly)