[music playing]
One of my favorite things to do this time of year
is send Andy to a haunted house.
I already showed you Andy going through with Sarah Paulson.
I also sent Andy to a haunted house
with our receptionist Jeannie.
I don't think either of them really enjoyed it.
No?
Andy?
But I did.
And I think you will.
So here you go--
Hi, Ellen.
I'm here again at another haunted house.
Which I obviously did not want to go to,
but you said to me that I could bring a friend.
And so I said, Jeannie, would you go with me?
And she said, I'm not your friend but I'll go with you.
Side by side.
And she keeps telling me I have to go side by side with her.
You have to go side by side.
There's no rules.
Yes, there are rules.
And if there are rules, I make them.
You asked me to come!
Side by side.
I've been doing this a lot of years, and so I'm in charge.
I don't exactly understand the theme.
See, it's very--
This is terrible.
Why is there fog?
Oh there's smell.
There's fog that smells.
Oh my gosh!
You go this way.
[chainsaw noise]
[scream]
Oh god that's loud!
Wow!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Oh my god.
Oh my gosh.
Y'all have five more minutes of this.
I'm going to say this--
I've been doing this many years--
Oh my gosh.
--first time there's a chainsaw.
Now-- oh no!
Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh!
You look like Hamilton.
And why so sudden?
Oh my gosh!
Oh no, not a woman!
Oh my gosh.
And a man.
All right.
We're not even in--
OK.
Hi.
OK, OK, OK, OK.
You see, they don't-- they don't react to the OK, OK.
I feel like I'm hurting your arm.
[bang]
Oh my gosh!
Why a drum?
That's not real.
Oh, look at her.
Oh, Andy.
[scream]
Oh my gosh.
OK.
Are you joking me?
This way.
OK.
Thank you.
[scream]
Oh my gosh!
OK.
No!
With the body!
OK, OK, OK.
This is awful.
Wasn't that a real thing?
You cannot scream--
OK, OK, OK.
--unless--
[scream]
No!
Mean These aren't real.
These are just the hanging--
I'm not looking.
OK.
If you stay calm and they don't--
[growl]
Oh my gosh!
Let us get through the door!
Gosh!
[growl]
Oh my gosh!
They're coming at you!
We see you and then they still--
[growl]
[scream]
I wish I was with her.
[chainsaw]
[scream]
No!
[growl]
Oh my gosh!
We're good.
How did that scare me?
I can't even see.
No more.
You're good.
[chainsaw]
Oh my gosh!
I grabbed your boob.
[laugh]
I'm sweating so bad.
See, I'm trying to have fun with it.
My new thing is just have fun with it.
[scream]
Oh my gosh!
You can have fun with it!
There's too many of these schmattas.
[laugh]
Is that what they're called?
No!
Oh gee!
I don't wanna look.
No, we're good.
I don't wanna look.
We're good.
No!
Oh my gosh!
Same guy with the tooth and the face.
There's a-- here.
Breathing break.
[growl]
I didn't even breathe!
It's break time!
Nobody come.
Are we halfway through?
Yes.
Are we 3/4 of the way through?
We're halfway through.
That's it?
Wait.
Should I switch arms?
I feel like you're not going to be able feel this arm.
Yeah, no, I'm here.
Hold onto the guns.
That's just a thing.
[growl]
[scream]
What?
Ow!
Go back!
What do you mean "ow"?
You ran me into the door frame.
You need to be ready to--
I need you more mobile.
Ready to do what?
You need to be mobile.
I don't know what that--
[scream]
Oh my gosh!
You weren't supposed to be real!
Oh my gosh!
You came-- he came so close.
The guy on the right.
There's a guy on the right.
[scream]
I told you.
Ow!
I forgot which was my right.
This is horrible.
Luna, how much longer?
One-eighth.
Oh my gosh.
One-eighth?
I'm not-- I can't do the fractions.
That is not-- that's not--
Yeah.
You know--
[scream]
No, not-- you cannot do-- that is illegal.
Two on one, illegal.
Two on one?
[laugh]
There's two of us.
You are horrible at fractions!
There's a lot--
[growl]
[scream]
Why was--
Are you serious!
Go back in.
Hold on.
OK.
Andy, just go!
I'm trying to go!
Just go!
You're holding me back!
Just go!
[scream]
Oh my gosh!
I see you coming and it still freaks me out!
[growl]
OK!
Back!
Oh my gosh.
Back to the monster!
Back-- you don't exist.
If I turn my back, you're not there.
Let's just-- let's just go.
Just go.
One is real.
Just one, two, three--
[scream]
It's that one.
I told you to go one, two, three.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
[scream]
There's only one real per room!
OK.
And we're done.
We did it.
Are you sure?
We're outside.
Look.
[scream]
Oh god!
Oh my gosh!
[growling]
Got it.
Good.
Thank you.
Jeannie, I didn't love that.
But I was so happy that I could be there to keep you safe.
That's it, Ellen.
Honestly, I say this every year, but we're done.
This whole charade, this whole thing--
done.
Thank you.
[music playing]