-Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
[ Cheers and applause ] Come on.
Look how festive it looks.
Guys, let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, this is exciting and historic day,
because the United Kingdom started giving out
the first doses of Pfizer's COVID vaccine.
Watch this.
-At 6:31 this morning, Margaret Keenan,
who turns 91 next week,
became the first person ever given a tested
and vetted COVID vaccine outside of trials.
-That's right, 90-year-old Margaret Keenan
is the first patient in the world
to receive the Pfizer vaccine.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Or as the Queen put it, "Sure, sure, she was."
[ Laughter ]
"Yes, we definitely gave it to Margaret Keenan first."
The U.K. vaccine underwent rigorous testing.
Apparently Gordon Ramsay would try every version
and then berate the scientist.
"You donkey, it's not a vaccine! It's raw!"
[ Laughter ]
"It's meant to be kept in the freezer, donkey!"
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, the vaccine is starting in the U.K.
and then coming here.
But your one annoying friend will be like,
"I actually liked the original British version better."
[ Laughter ]
"Just nuanced and way more subtle."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, it's a big day over in the U.K.
People are calling it "V-Day" for Vaccination Day.
Yeah, V-Day, not to be confused with tonight's
"Bachelorette" episode "VD Day."
That's a different -- [ Laughter ]
Different thing.
Meanwhile, this is going viral. It turns out --
this is real -- the second person to get the vaccine
was an 81-year-old man named William Shakespeare.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, William Shakespeare got a vaccine on V-Day.
Which explains why he said,
"To V or not to V, that is the injection."
[ Laughter ]
"'Tis nobler to take Moderna."
[ Laughter ]
I'm glad Shakespeare got the vaccine because in 81 years
he hasn't been able to get a dinner reservation.
"Yes, the name's William Shakespeare.
Hello?" [ Laughter ]
"They hung up." -[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
-That one got you, man? -Yeah.
-That's funny. [ Laughter ]
Imagine living in the U.K. and being named
after their greatest writer, William Shakespeare.
That's like living in the U.S. and being named after
whoever writes the Geico commercials.
[ Laughter ]
They're geniuses.
I don't know what's in the vaccine,
but it must be pretty amazing, 'cause after Shakespeare got it,
he challenged Logan Paul to a boxing match.
[ Laughter ]
Well, as the U.K. starts vaccinating,
some news just broke out about our own supply.
It turns out this summer the Trump administration turned down
Pfizer when they asked if we wanted to buy more doses.
Trump knows he messed up.
When asked about it, he was like,
"I'm only answering questions about Mario Lopez
playing Colonel Sanders."
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of the White House,
I read that Trump wants to hand out mass pardons
to "every person who ever talked to him,
even people who don't need pardons."
Yep, Trump's handing out mass pardons.
The only other time you hear that phrase
is after Rudy Giuliani eats Taco Bell.
"Pardon -- Pardon me." [ Laughter ]
"Oop, pardon.
Pardon me, sorry.
Oh, that's a half pardon, sorry."
[ Laughter ]
Oh, and of course, President Trump
is still refusing to accept the results of the election,
but he's not the only one.
A new "Washington Post" survey says
89% of all Republicans serving in Congress
won't accept Biden's victory.
Here's what a few Republicans said
when asked about the election.
First up, Congressman Greg Pence said,
"If Biden wins, I'll quit, and focus on my Etsy product,
Lipstick for Men."
[ Laughter ]
Up next, Senator Tom Cotton said,
"Trump will be president by the time that gumball
I swallowed last year finally works its way down my throat."
[ Laughter ]
Next up, Congressman Dusty Johnson
was like, "Don't bother me.
I'm busy losing a chess match
to that girl from 'Queen's Gambit.'"
[ Laughter ]
Up next, Congressman Fred Upton said,
"I trust the results, but not the congressmen
who told me 'everyone' was doing this pose."
[ Laughter ]
Then, Senator Mike Braun was like,
"This election was rigged or I wasn't once an extra
in a 'Sopranos' restaurant scene."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Senator John Boozman said,
"If you have proof the election was rigged, I'm all ears."
[ Groaning, laughter, applause ]
Very interesting stuff.
Here's a big tech story.
Today, Apple unveiled a pair of noise-canceling headphones
called the AirPods Max.
And get this -- they cost $549.
Check them out. Yep.
Noise-canceling headphones for $549.
When they heard, people quarantining with kids
were like, "I'll give you $800."
[ Laughter ]
Here are the headphones in their case.
Yeah, great. It looks like a stormtrooper's purse.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, listen to this.
I saw that Pizza Hut is
selling something new for the holidays.
Check this out.
It's the new triple-decker box from Pizza Hut.
Look at this thing.
In America, that's actually our food pyramid.
[ Laughter ] That's right.
In the U.K., they have a COVID vaccine.
In America, we came up with the triple-decker pizza box.
[ Laughter ]
It's a great idea.
My biggest complaint about ordering pizza
was always not having enough cardboard
to awkwardly fold and smoosh down in my garbage can.
[ Laughter ]
I'm turning into Andy Rooney now.
[ Laughter ]
"That's the part I need more of when I get a pizza.
Having to fold the cardboard and put it in my garbage can."
[ Laughter ]
I can almost picture idiot guys across the country going,
"Honey, you could use this as a jewelry box."
[ Laughter ]
"Just saying."
I saw that after 70 years,
IKEA is ending its popular catalog.
[ Crowd awws ]
I know. At its peak,
IKEA printed up to 200 million copies in one year,
making it one of the most popular books in the world.
So we put together this little tribute
to our favorite products in the catalog over the years.
Enjoy.
♪♪
[ Dial-up modem ringing ]
♪♪
[ Applause ]
Here's a wild story.
Two cousins here in New York City ages 7 and 12,
took one of their parents' Range Rovers for a joy ride
and ended up at a rest stop near Delaware.
The 12-year-old was like, "Don't blame me.
He was the one driving."
[ Laughter ]
It got worse when the kids passed the officer
a Chuck E. Cheese token and said,
"What do you say we make this thing go away?"
[ Laughter ]
And finally, I heard about a man in Italy
who walked 280 miles after a fight with his wife,
then got fined for violating lockdown rules.
[ Laughter ]
I'm no marriage counselor,
but it's probably not a great sign
when someone storms out and walks to Switzerland.
[ Laughter ]
That's last time he gets his wife
a triple-decker pizza box for their anniversary.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, we have exactly nine shows left
before we go on Christmas break, which means it's time
for that beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.
It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."
♪ -12 days of Christmas sweaters, 9 days left ♪
-That's right.
Every show between now and Christmas,
we'll be giving one lucky audience member
a stunning Christmas sweater
from the "Countdown to Christmas Cabinet."
So, since there are nine shows left,
let's open door number nine.
[ Drumroll ] It's right there.
Very exciting. Yes.
Whenever you're ready. Yes.
Yes! Someone said -- Whoa!
That's a lot of -- [ Cheers and applause ]
That's a lot of stuff.
Oh, good -- good gosh almighty.
[ Laughter ]
That's a lot of sweater that was in there.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
Is there something on the back?
Oh, my gosh!
Well, there's a little man hidden on there.
There's a little man.
A stowaway on the back of that.
Alright, who is excited to take home this sweater?
[ Cheers and applause ] There we go.
Alright, if I call your number, come on down.
Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?
[ Drumroll ]
1-2-3!
♪♪
Ah, here he comes.
Welcome. Oh, my goodness.
Thank you so much for being here.
What is your name and where are you from?
-My name is Tom Russell from New Rochelle, New York.
-Hey, New Rochelle. [ Cheers and applause ]
I know New Rochelle very well.
-There's a lot going on here.
-Well, you know, they say during the holiday season,
"make lemonade," you know what I'm saying?
-Mm-hmm. [ Laughter ]
-Would you do us the honor of trying it on?
-Yeah, which one's the front? [ Laughs ]
-That's up to you, buddy.
It's -- -Alright.
-It's really that much fun.
You don't know what the front or the back is, really.
You know that it has sleeves.
That's -- The only thing we can guarantee with our sweaters,
that there are sometimes sleeves.
[ Laughter ] That's a -- oh, I feel like --
oh, I feel like this is the right way to go.
[ Laughs ] Oh, my God!
Wow! Oh, my God. [ Cheers and applause ]
Wow, I don't even know what to think.
I'm looking at it and I still don't know what's happening.
-I can't see my shoes. -It's unbelievable.
This is unbelievable. It is a holiday miracle.
Give it up for our winner right here.
A round of applause. [ Applause ]
Stick around.
We'll be right back with more "Tonight Show," everybody.
Come on back.
♪♪