human beings are social creatures and the way we relate to people and our relationships in general
are a huge part of life however we can often hold unhelpful views and assumptions
about relationships and other people and these beliefs can contribute to depression in today's
video we're going to be talking about these unhelpful beliefs and what you can do about them
hi everyone relationships are an important and critical part
of life and they can also be an extremely powerful and protective tool in preventing depression
however people can also hold unhelpful beliefs and assumptions about relationships that can actually
fuel and perpetuate symptoms of depression in today's video i'm going to be talking about
some of these relationship associated faulty beliefs and assumptions but before i get into
that just a couple of disclaimers to go over i'm a registered psychologist in the province
of british columbia canada and this video is for informational purposes only it is not intended as
a substitute or replacement for advice from your doctor or mental health professional now with
those things out of the way let's start talking about faulty relationship beliefs and assumptions
now this is the third video in a three-part mini-series of videos on faulty beliefs and
assumptions that contribute to depression if you haven't had a chance to watch the other
two videos i would strongly encourage you to take a look at them because they give you some
detailed information about very common beliefs and assumptions that fuel depression sometimes without
us even knowing it now for this final video in the series i wanted to focus on
depression causing beliefs and assumptions associated with how we relate to other people
as our social contacts can serve as a bit of a double-edged sword when it comes to depression
relationships can often be very beneficial
but sometimes they can also contribute to low mood and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
one common faulty assumption about relationships is that if others disagree with me
then i must be wrong for people experiencing symptoms of depression they can often experience
a lack of confidence or a lack of belief in themselves alternatively low self-esteem and
lacking confidence can contribute to feelings of depression as well so you can probably see
how holding this belief and assumption can contribute to depression one way of knowing
if you tend to hold this belief is to think about do you often wait to hear what other people think
before you express your view about a particular topic if you're in a meeting for example at work
do you wait to hear what other people are saying in order to get a sense of what the general
consensus is uh before you'll share your opinion uh people often do this because they're concerned
that if they have an opinion that differs from what other people think then they must be wrong
and it would be embarrassing if they expressed an incorrect opinion in front of other people
underlying this faulty assumption is that my opinions are always wrong or that
i shouldn't have a right to an opinion that might differ from other people
but think about this is this actually the case think about where our world and society would be
if people didn't have differing opinions or if people didn't think about situations from
different perspectives now this also isn't to say that everything i believe is always right or that
if other people disagree with me then they must always be wrong rather this is more about having
a healthy respect for your own attitudes and opinions and recognizing that it's okay and
often a good thing to express what you think even if it differs from what others think
because this can allow for further dialogue and discussion allowing other people to think
differently about their positions and allowing you to potentially reconsider your opinion
so it's not necessarily assuming that any one person knows the right answer
but being willing to express your opinion and listen to other people's opinions
another common faulty assumption and belief is that
the way to be appreciated and accepted by other people is to constantly give
and give this is the idea that people will like me islam as long as i'm doing something for them
but you can probably recognize the problem or difficulty underlying this belief by holding
this belief that people will appreciate me only as long as i'm doing something for them
the subtle message is that me in and of myself i'm not worthy of appreciation and acceptance
it's only what i do for people that causes them to like and accept me
and that if i didn't do these things to serve them they wouldn't want anything to do with me
it underlies a belief that maybe i'm not worthy of love or that maybe i'm inherently unlovable
for who i am and the only way to get people to love and care about me is for me to do things
for them one way to know whether or not you hold this belief in assumption is to ask yourself
are you the one that always tends to give more in your relationships do you find that
many of your relationships aren't reciprocal
the paradox with all of this is that excessive giving and unbalanced relationships can often
cause the other person to lose respect for you particularly if that person is
looking for someone to be an equal partner in the relationship healthy relationships have a certain
amount of give and take and if all you're doing is giving and all the other person is doing is taking
that's not a recipe for a fulfilling or sustainable relationship
so the idea here is to respect yourself as much as you respect other people and in turn
this will likely deepen the relationship with the other person and promote a more
healthy and balanced relationship which can be fulfilling and rewarding to both parties
another common myth that can contribute to depression is a belief that
i have to do everything i'm asked to do
this relates to the notion that the only way to be accepted by others is to give and give but in this
belief it's more about responding and reacting to something that someone else is asking you to do
now the thing is being caring being responsive and wanting to help someone out that's not a bad thing
but if you hold the belief that you have to do everything that you're asked to do
then you're relying on other people to determine what you're going to do and you're relying on
other people to not ask you to do anything unreasonable or anything that you don't want to do
so the thing is if you hold this belief you don't get to decide that a request that a request is
unreasonable you don't have the right to defend yourself you don't have the ability to say
no the other person has control of the situation and you have to do what they want you to do
this takes away your sense of agency your sense of responsibility and control over your actions
and can contribute to those feelings of helplessness that are often seen in depression
additionally people who hold this belief will often feel angry and resentful toward
other people who make requests of them even though they still go along with those requests
they can often feel like they're being used by other people
now the interesting thing is often the other person doesn't know you're actually
feeling this way and that you don't want to do what they're asking but you do it because
you feel that you have to now the other person may not realize this is a problem because
you always do what they ask you and probably assume that you're just
very agreeable and happy to do so so this can lead to very unhealthy
cycles and patterns in relationships that can contribute to feelings of depression
another common relationship myth that can fuel depression is the idea that
good relationships have no problems you can think of this as the they lived heavily ever after
myth you see this often in tv shows and movies where people live in harmony with one another as
as if they don't have any relationship problems and that if any relationship problems do arise
they're resolved by the end of the 30-minute tv show or they get neatly tied up into a little
ball by the end of the movie as the couple holds hands walking off into the sunset
they lived heavily they lived happily ever after
now one of the assumptions underlying this belief is that if you've found the right partner if
you've found the perfect partner for you you'll never have any problems in your relationships and
that the relationship won't require any work or effort if there are challenges however in
the relationship or if you do have to put effort into maintaining the relationship
it's almost like this is a sign that maybe this might not be the right relationship for you
but it's important to remember that every long-term relationship requires work
effort and maintenance there's no such thing as a self-sustaining
relationship you meet someone fall in love and never have to think about
it again or never have to work at the relationship again that doesn't happen
just because a relationship requires work or just because you experience occasional conflict with
the other person that doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship is wrong or bad or unhealthy
it may just mean that the relationship is like every other relationship having its ups and downs
all relationships require caring nurturing and effort and expect an expectation that
there will be problems but that you'll be able to mutually work through those problems with the
other person those are kind of the underlying uh expectations of a healthy relationship
now finally the last myth and assumption is a notion that i have the power to change people if i
care for someone in the right way if i love them enough they can become the person they should be
or they can become the person i want them to be if i provide them with a secure enough relationship
or if i can explain it to them in a way they understand they'll be able to get things together
and make those important changes they need to make in their life this is rooted in the romanticized
idea of love conquers all but by holding this assumption it's almost as if i believe that
i have enough influence over the other person that will cause them to improve their lives by
working harder at school or giving up drinking or striving for a better career or that i can
help them save more money or learn to control their temper those types of things
now often what is underlying this is a tremendous sense of caring and wanting better for the other
person and so it's almost like i'm trying to work harder at the other person's life than they are
the problem is this doesn't work you can't work harder at another person's life than they are
now i'll sometimes see this with my therapy clients and it's a sign that
things are not going well if i find myself working harder at therapy than they are
it never works you see the thing is it's hard enough to control my own life and make changes
in the areas of my life that i need to change and so if it's that challenging for me to make
changes in my life where i have control over what i do then you can probably see how impossible it
is to think that i could change anyone else simply through the force of my personality
or loving efforts what often ends up happening in situations where you find yourself working
harder at the other person's life than they are is that you end up feeling resentful
of the other person you're working hard you're putting you're putting in effort you're trying to
solve their problems you're expending all of this energy but the other person hasn't changed at all
and so the unfortunate outcome in many of these situations is resentment anger and disappointment
towards the other person you care about because you believed that you could change them
so that's the end of this three-part mini-series on faulty beliefs and assumptions i hope you
found the information useful and again i want to point out that the key with all of these
beliefs and assumptions i've talked about is not whether you agree with them consciously or
believe them to be true but it's more about focusing on your behavior and what you're doing
it's not whether you believe these things are true but are you behaving as if you
hold these assumptions and beliefs and if so that's where you can start making some change
so i'd love to hear any questions or thoughts you have about this so please leave me some comments
in the comments section down below if you've been
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this video and for this mini series on faulty beliefs and assumptions as always thank you for
making it all the way to the end of this video and i will see you in the next one