- If I could travel to any place or time in all of history,
I would go back to this one, wild party back in college.
I have absolutely no idea what happened there,
but rumor has it that I did some pretty epic (bleeps).
Ah, to party with myself. What a dream.
Time travel?
What nonsense. What malarkey.
What an utter flight of fancy.
Excuse me while I time travel forward
to the end of this conversation.
Why are you still here?
I think I'd travel back to Ancient Greece to meet Socrates.
You know Socrates, the philosopher who once said,
"I know that I know nothing."
Seeing as how I know everything,
I thought I could teach him a thing or two.
I'd travel back to the early 2000s
when I was still a kid.
Life was so much better back then.
I mean, back then, people were watching iconic shows
like "iCarly", playing classic games like "Halo",
and having a grand time Rickrolling their BFFs.
Wait a second.
You're telling me people are still doing all those things?
I'd travel back to find myself as a little kid
and tell that little kid version of me
that he needs to stop listening to authority figures
and start following his own heart.
And hopefully, that message would mean a lot to him
coming from an authority figure like me.
I think I'd probably go back to the '60s
and catch an early Beatles show at the Cavern Club
before they became famous.
Dude, if I could start listening to them
before they were cool,
you'd never hear the end of it.
Yeah, guys, I listened to them
before they were signed to a major record label.
They were much better back then.
I'll take the primordial wilderness millennia
before human existence.
(lava smoldering)
Wish you were here.
Not.
I would peek just a few months ahead
to find out if I actually stick to my new diet
and exercise routine,
or if I'm better off just giving up today.
Because if I abandon ship now,
that pint of Ben & Jerry's
I bought last night will taste the much more guilt-free.
I'd go back in time and track down the guy
who created the Minions.
I'd treat him to one of my famous therapy sessions
in the hope that those little, yellow eyesores
never see the light of day.
Clearly, that guy was psychologically disturbed.
Okay, so what makes you hate humanity so much
that you would create something this irritating?
I would use time travel to become the most famous person
of all time by photo bombing everything.
Imagine this, me there with my sunnies on
when that guy was kissing that girl,
whatever that was,
or when Bernie Sanders was cold and wore his mittens.
I would be right there.
Hey, why stop at photographs?
I would be there when Mona Lisa was trying to smile.
Assuming time-traveling as possible, which it isn't,
I'd 100% go back to April 17th, 2011,
and summarize from my past self,
the entire plot line of the "Game of Thrones" series.
Those are precious man hours
that I'm never gonna get back.
I'd travel to the year 3000 to shake my own hand,
congratulating myself for being the genius
who perfected cryogenic freezing.
Wow, I'm getting emotional just thinking
about being in the presence of that kind of greatness.
And we're talking about me, just to be clear.
If I could go anywhere in history,
I'd hunt down Hitler's barber.
Then I'd bribe him to give that dude a mullet.
You might be wondering how exactly
that would make the world a better place,
but just imagine anyone taking that guy seriously
with that stash and a mullet.
I'd go back to stop my parents from ever falling in love,
writing myself out of existence
as an experiment.
My hypothesis is that it's not actually possible
because if you wrote yourself out of existence,
then you would not exist to be able to go back in time
to write yourself out of existence.
So it just wouldn't work.
Of course, if I'm wrong, that wouldn't be good.
I've always felt like I was born in the wrong decade,
maybe even the wrong century.
So I'd try to find what era I really fit in.
(bright music)
I'm sure it's out there, somewhere.
The past or the future?
Who knows?
Surely the problem isn't me, right?
If I could time travel,
I'd probably go back five minutes
before I told my girlfriend that I loved her.
Not because I'd want to say anything differently,
but just because I do anything for five more minutes
of that sweet, sweet bliss before she broke up with me.
Hey, thanks for watching.
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Till next time, stay cool and attractive.