I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE SEEN MORE HIGH-LEVEL INTELLIGENCE MEETINGS
ON CAPITOL HILL, AND THERE IS A GROWING CONSENSUS THAT RUSSIAN
HACKERS WORKED TO INFLUENCE THE ELECTION IN FAVOR OF DONALD
TRUMP, AND THAT IS DISTURBING TO EVERYONE, EXCEPT TO SOME FOLKS
WHO ARE WEIRDLY OKAY WITH IT.
THE "NEW YORK TIMES" TALKED TO SOME OF THE PRESIDENT-ELECT'S
SUPPORTERS ABOUT THE RUSSIAN HACK AND THEY SAID: SURE, THE
HOUSE IS ON FIRE, BUT IF THAT'S WHAT IT TOOK TO GET THE KIDS TO
PLAY OUTSIDE, I SAY LET IT BURN!
TOSS A LITTLE GAS ON IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WASN'T THAT WORRIED ABOUT
RUSSIA UNTIL YESTERDAY, WHEN C-SPAN CUT OUT AND WAS BRIEFLY
REPLACED BY A FEED OF RUSSIA'S OFFICIAL ENGLISH-LANGUAGE STATE
TV NETWORK, "RUSSIA TODAY."
TAKE A LOOK.
THIS REALLY HAPPENED.
>> A BILL THAT WOULD BASICALLY TAKE THE S.E.C., AND LITERALLY
OBLITERATE.
♪ ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT.
C-SPAN WAS INTERRUPTED BY "RUSSIA TODAY."
IT SHOCKED C-SPAN'S AUDIENCE-- BOTH OF THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT FOR TEN WHOLE MINUTES
YESTERDAY, RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA WAS BEING BROADCAST ON TV
DIRECTLY FROM WASHINGTON.
AND THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO START UNTIL JANUARY 20.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA!
RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA!
BETTER LEARN SOME RUSSIAN.
IT'S UNCLEAR HOW THIS HAPPENED, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE WORRIED
IT'S A HACK.
LUCKILY, I'VE BEEN ASSURED THAT THE CBS FEED IS SECURE AND
THERE'S NO WAY FOR RUSSIA TO EVER---
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ LA-LA-LA♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE, THE RUSSIANS AREN'T
THE ONLY INTELLIGENCE AGENCY TO UNDERMINE OUR ELECTION.
THEY HAD COMPETITION FROM F.B.I. DIRECTOR AND LIFEGUARD
WHO SEES YOU'RE DROWNING BUT IS ON HIS BREAK, JAMES COMEY.
COMEY BROKE LONG-STANDING F.B.I.
POLICY BY ANNOUNCING A NEW INVESTIGATION INTO HILLARY
CLINTON'S EMAILS 11 DAYS BEFORE THE ELECTION.
IT TURNED OUT THE INVESTIGATION PRODUCED NOTHING DAMAGING, OTHER
THAN PRESIDENT TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HAS
ANNOUNCED IT WILL OPEN AN INVESTIGATION INTO COMEY'S
DECISION.
THIS IS A GOOD FIRST STEP TOWARDS MAKING THINGS RIGHT.
OF COURSE SECOND STEP IS BUILDING A TIME MACHINE.
AND TONIGHT, AS I SAID-- ( APPLAUSE )
AND TONIGHT, AS I SAID, WE'RE EXACTLY ONE WEEK FROM DONALD
TRUMP'S INAUGURATION, AND IT'S NO SECRET, TRUMP HAS HAD TROUBLE
BOOKING BIG PERFORMERS.
THOUGH IF THE RUSSIAN BLACKMAIL RUMORS ARE TRUE, HE COULD GET R.
KELLY.
HE MIGHT COME.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.
BUT YESTERDAY, HE LANDED HIS BIGGEST ACT YET, NONE OTHER THAN
THE ONE AND ONLY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
COVER BAND THE BSTREETBAND!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE BSTREET!
THEY'RE GOOD.
THEY'RE A PERFECT FIT.
IT'S A PERFECT FIT.
WHO BETTER TO SING FOR OUR REALITY SHOW PRESIDENT THAN A
MAN PRETENDING TO BE THE BOSS?
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: OH!
OH!
>> Stephen: THE BSTREETBAND WILL BE SINGING ALL THE SPRINGSTEEN
CLASSICS FOR TRUMP: "THUNDER GROPE," "BORN TO RUN
DAD'S COMPANY," "10TH AVENUE PENTHOUSE," AND "I AM NOT
CONVINCED YOU WERE BORN IN THE U.S.A."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS GREAT.
TRUMP MAY NOT BE ABLE TO GET THE A-LIFTERS, BUT I FOR ONE AM
LOOKING FORWARD TO PERFORMANCEBY BANDERS LIKE:
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) A TRIPPING HAZARD, A TRIPPING
HAZARD.
OH, DID YOU HEAR THIS?
THERE IS A NEW PRODUCT FROM TACO BELL THAT USES FRIED CHICKEN
INSTEAD OF A TACO SHELL.
YEAH, IT'S CALLED THE "NAKED CHICKEN CHALUPA."
AND I BELIEVE NAKED IS THE BEST WAY TO EAT A CHICKEN CHULUPA
BECAUSE THEN YOU CAN JUST HOSE OFF AFTERWARDS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHY TACO BELL
WOULD BOTHER MAKING A TACO SHELL OUT OF FRIED CHICKEN WHEN IT
WOULD BE SO MUCH QUICKER TO JUST PUNCH THEIR CUSTOMERS IN THE
HEART.
( LAUGHTER ) HOLD STILL!
ACCORDING TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY, "FRIED CHICKEN IS
GROWING AT A TREMENDOUS CLIP.
IT'S A REAL VOID ON OUR MENU, AND IT'S SOMETHING OUR CUSTOMERS
ASK US FOR."
LOOK, TACO BELL, YOU'VE GOT TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU CANT JUST GIVE YOUR
CUSTOMERS ANYTHING THEY ASK FOR.
THEY'RE DRUNK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEY SHOULDN'T BE CALLING THE SHOTS.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF A CUSTOMER SAID, "UH, YOU GUYS SHOULD
TOTALLY SELL DEEP FRIED SOUP.
THROW A COUPLE OF DOUBLE-A BATTERIES ON THAT BAD BOY."
YOU KNOW WHAT?
FINE.
THIS IS THE WORLD WE LIVE IN NOW.
YOU WANT TO MAKE A FRANKEN-TACO OUT OF A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
NON-TACO FOOD?
GO FOR IT.
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
BUT I KNOW WHAT I'LL BE DOING: I'LL BE EATING THAT FRIED
CHICKEN CHALUPA.
THAT SOUNDS DELICIOUS.
SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT DON'T GO TOGETHER, THERE IS SOME SHOCKING
NEWS FROM THE ANIMAL KINGDOM.
THIS WEEK, APPARENTLY, A MALE SNOW MONKEY WAS OBSERVED
ATTEMPTING TO HAVE SEX WITH FEMALE SIKA DEER ON JAPAN'S
YAKUSHIMA ISLAND IN AN UNUSUAL EXAMPLE OF INTERSPECIES MATING
BEHAVIOUR.
WOW.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "ONCE YOU GO SNOW MONKEY...
YOU HOPE NO ONE TAKES A PICTURE OF IT."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW-- AND THIS IS TRUE, THIS IS
TRUE.
I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.
CBS CENSORS WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO ROLL THIS FOOTAGE UNCENSORED,
BUT CRIMINAL MINDS CAN STACK UP HOOKERS LIKE CORD
WOOD.
IT'S A SHAME, BECAUSE SCIENTISTS ARE FASCINATED, EXPLAINING, "THE
ONLY PREVIOUS REPORTED CASE OF SEXUAL INTERACTIONS BETWEEN TWO
DISTANTLY RELATED SPECIES WAS THAT OF AN ANTARCTIC FUR SEAL
OBSERVED SEXUALLY HARASSING KING PENGUINS-- AND IN ONE INSTANCE,
EATING A BIRD AFTER HAVING SEX WITH IT."
CLEARLY, CLEARLY, THAT PENGUIN SHOULD HAVE ESTABLISHED A SAFE
WORD BEFOREHAND.
MAYBE "DON'T EAT ME."
NOW, THEY DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHY THESE TWO CRAZY KIDS GOT
TOGETHER, BUT THEY SAY IT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING CALLED "MATE
DEPRIVATION," WHERE MALES WITH LIMITED ACCESS TO FEMALES ARE
MORE LIKELY TO DISPLAY THIS BEHAVIOR.
IN LAYMAN'S TERMS: THE BAR WAS CLOSING, AND THERE IS NO MONKEY
TINDER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
CUBA GOODING JR. IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST DECREES FROM
THE BIG FURRY HAT.