-Good evening. I'm Seth Meyers.
This is "Late Night. We hope you're doing well tonight.
Now, if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news.
President Biden announced today
that he is running for reelection.
Can you imagine if it's Biden versus Trump again?
That's like going into a diner
and the only things on the menu are two-day-old egg salad
and Donald Trump.
[ Laughter ]
I guess I'll take my chances with the egg salad.
President Biden announced today
that it will run for a second term and said,
"Let's finish the job." Yeah, good idea.
It would be nice to have a country
where a guy could safely retire before he's 86.
[ Laughter ]
Following President Biden's reelection announcement today,
the Republican National Committee released
an ad that asks, "What if the weakest president
we've ever had were reelected?"
And personally, I think it's pretty low to drag
Martin Van Buren into this.
[ Laughter ]
Life's hard enough with that silly haircut.
According to reports. Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott
did not tell Tucker Carlson why he was being fired,
but said that the decision was made "from above."
But come on, we know all the decisions at Fox News
come from below.
[ Laughter ]
The Georgia...
[ Cheers and applause ]
The Georgia prosecutor investigating former
President Trump's alleged interference
into the 2020 election said yesterday
that she would announce potential charges this summer.
I like that we're spreading out Trump's crimes
and just, like, microdosing indictments, you know?
Because like when Netflix drops an entire season at once,
sure, it's fun that weekend,
but then we have nothing to look forward to.
Once a week is way better.
It's like Trump's
the "Abbott Elementary" of criminals.
[ Laughter ]
A man in Idaho recently sent a Guinness World Record
after he passed a 40-pound weight
from hand to hand 100 times.
That story, again, not much to do in Idaho.
[ Laughter ]
He didn't even know Guinness was there.
[ Laughter ]
And they were, like, Hey, how many times have you done that?
A moose -- A moose. We like when it starts a moose.
A moose recently walked into a movie theater in Alaska
and ate popcorn from the trash can,
or, as Regal Cinemas calls it, a medium.
[ Laughter ]
Now movie theaters, you used to...
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a former Disney World employee
was recently arrested for allegedly
taking videos of women's skirts.
To be fair, they should have known something was wrong
when he showed up to work with no pants on.
[ Laughter ]
That was a monologue, everybody.
We are off and running.
We've got a fantastic show for you tonight.
He is a Tony and Emmy winning legend
currently on Broadway at Studio 54
in "Pictures From Home," our friend Nathan Lane
is here tonight, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
She is a California congresswoman
and candidate for Senate.
Her book, "I Swear: Politics is Messier
Than My Minivan" is out now
Congresswoman Katie Porter is back on the show.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And direct from the Sondheim Theater on Broadway,
we're going to have a performance
from the new hit show "& Juliet."
You're going to love it. You're going to love it.
We'll get to that.
You guys, spring is in the air,
flowers are blooming, birds are chirping,
everyone is stocking up on Benadryl.
And that includes my writers.
You know, my writing staff, they write hundreds
of monologue jokes every day
just to get the 10 or 12 we end up using.
And sometimes...
I think they throw in a few stinkers
just to get their numbers up and meet the assignment.
[ Laughter ]
But just because pollen levels are through the roof,
that doesn't mean we can tolerate laziness,
which means it's time for another Surprise Inspection.
[ Bugle call ]
♪♪
Alright, so here's how this works.
I'm going to read some real jokes
that were really submitted by my writers to me, their boss.
These jokes are unusable for this show.
Some are dumb, some are offensive,
some are just confusing.
And most importantly, this is the most important part,
my writers don't know we're doing this,
and because most of them don't watch the show,
they'll never know.
[ Laughter ]
So let's get started.
Vice President Kamala Harris
participated in a roundtable discussion today
about reproductive rights in Des Moines, Iowa.
Because women who think they might want to have a child
deserve the right to change "their minds".
[ Laughter ]
That was written by Matt Goldich. There he is.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Des Moines.
I mean, obviously, it doesn't work.
Maybe if anybody, if any -- the slang for their minds
was ever Des Moines.
I'm sure this next one will bounce us right back.
Today was ABBA singer Bjorn Ulvaeus 78th birthday.
Wow, it's hard to believe he was "bjorn" in 1945.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Apologies.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You know if you applaud
you're just going to get more of this.
According to a new study, quality of sleep
can positively impact quality of life.
"Uh, you're welcome," said Bill Cosby.
[ Laughter, audience oohs ]
No applause that time?
[ Laughter ]
I liked Bjorn for born, but I didn't.,,
[ Laughter ]
That was written by Mike Scollins,
who's a bad guy.
[ Laughter ]
That's a -- that was a photo.
It was was taken after he shoved a kid
and people got mad at him. He was like, "Hey."
[ Laughter ]
A high school principal in Florida,
recently resigned after she received criticism
from parents for showing sculpture
Michelangelo's -- sorry, go back -- for showing students,
excuse me -- Well, I made a mistake here.
You know what? So when this joke stinks,
it's still not my fault.
[ Laughter ]
A high school principal in Florida
recently resigned after she received criticism
from parents for showing students
Michelangelo's sculpture David
in direct violation of the state's
don't say gray law.
[ Audience moan ]
So is that because -- Do we think that
because a statue's gray?
That I -- I'm hoping that was written by ChatGPT and not...
[ Laughter ]
Show me ChatGPT!
Oh [bleep]!
[ Laughter ]
Brian also did Bjorn.
Imagine...
Imagine your day is over,
and the best thing you did was the Bjorn joke
[ Laughter ]
Authorities in France found nearly 2,000 pounds of cocaine
this week on a beach in the English Channel.
"Oops, sorry. That's mine," said a whale.
[ Laughter ]
It feels like it got -- it was like almost like --
right when it became almost got to a joke,
Karen here was like, "I'm good."
[ Laughter ]
Like, a whale with a neck tattoo.
Like maybe, right?
Whale with pair of Ray-Bans working on a screenplay, maybe.
Right? Just a whale, because Karen saw it.
She's like, That's a lot of cocaine.
It's on a beach. What's something equally big?
A whale.
When she got to that part, she was just like, "Send."
[ Laughter ]
Karen, interestingly, our smallest writer,
which is why whenever a little bit of cocaine
goes missing.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
A pilot -- a pilot in South Africa
recently had to make an emergency landing
after he spotted a venomous snake under his seat.
Even worse, the snake took its shoe off for the whole flight.
[ Light laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
So the idea -- the key part of this joke
is that a snake would only be able to wear one shoe.
The problem with it is all of us know
they don't wear shoes at all.
[ Laughter ]
That was Ian.
[ Laughter ]
That's -- that's the face he makes when a very
dim light bulb goes off over his head.
[ Laughter ]
It was announced last week that a second Peppa Pig
theme park will open in Texas, but make sure to come early
because they sell out pretty fast.
[ Audience groans ]
Yeah, she's not real.
[ Laughter ]
That was -- Who was that?
There we go.
[ Laughter ]
He is, as they say, on fire.
[ Laughter ]
That's actually what HR has told us
we can't do to him.
[ Laughter ]
Can we set him on fire?
They're like, No.
Okay, you guys, Karen's back.
I'm just going to spoil it say Karen's going
to try to bounce back after after whale gate.
[ Laughter ]
An artist in Australia recently set
a Guinness World record for the widest wig.
"Finally," said Charlie Brown.
[ Light laughter ]
So I guess the idea is he's got a big ol' wide head
and that he's long wanted to wear a wig.
And then this was good news.
[ Light laughter ]
And I don't know.
[ Laughter ]
I feel like doesn't even work a [bleep] tiny bit.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, this is going to be a good one, compared.
The Justice Department has filed a lawsuit
against the drugstore Rite Aid that alleges it violated
the Controlled Substances Act and said the company
"knowingly filled unlawful prescriptions."
So needless to say, many former Rite Aid employees
are going to have to work on their CVs.
[ Light laughter, audience groaning ]
Ooh, you know -- you know how people
in America when they lose their jobs say,
"Well, I best work on my CV."
[ Laughter ]
Show me Ian.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Today was molecular biologist James Watson's.
95th birthday. Wow, 95.
He must have some crick in his neck.
Like, not even know -- no part of this.
So Watson and crick, you know,
they got the double helix here.
You know, they discover it.
But why does he, having a crick in his neck,
Why does that mean he's living longer?
I just feel like Allie -- let's show Allie --
just like some words appeared to her.
She was like Watson. She was like,
oh, of Watson and Crick, and then a part
of her brain was like, "Oh, Crick."
[ Laughter ]
[ Whispering "Allie, Allie like a crick in your neck."
[ Laughter ]
She was like, "No, shut up, brain.
That doesn't make any sense."
And her brain was like, "No, it'll work really good."
She's said, "Hmm.
Is this our last one? Yeah, this is the last one.
We often go to Scollins for our closers,
and that's what we're doing here today.
Scollins -- we've seen Scollins 'once before
and it was the -- it was a Cosby joke,
which was everyone's favorite.
[ Laughter ]
Today was National Napping Day,
said parents who weren't ready to tell the truth about grandma.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Light laughter ]
What? What? No, no, no.
There you are. There you go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You don't get it.
You guys, what a time we've had.
This has been Surprise Inspection.
[ Bugle call ]
♪♪