-♪ Hashtags ♪
-So now I thought I'd share some of my favorite,
#MyWeirdSecret tweets from you guys.
here we go, this first one's from @ratchel78.
She says, "When I'm in the shower and a sad song comes on,
I pretend I'm in a movie and I'm breaking up
with someone in the rain."
-Aw. [ Laughter ]
-It's not you, shampoo, it's me. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-This one's from @lindsspace.
She says, "When getting bananas I can't tear them apart.
It's like they're family.
If I see a banana alone, I put it next to a new bunch."
-Aw. [ Laughter ]
-That's very nice. That's thoughtful.
-Oh, that's sweet. -You never know.
-That's just sweet. -That's very nice.
This one's from @simontobey.
He says, "Whenever I leave a store and don't buy anything,
I walk out extra slowly so that no one thinks I stole anything."
[ Laughter ]
-Hey. -That happens to me all the time
like when I leave Barnes & Noble they have those giant
security wall things. And I'm just leaving.
and I'm like [Gasps] Ooh, did I? I didn't steal anything.
Of course I did, but. [ Laughter ]
Just a couple Nooks. [ Laughter ]
This one's from @Marie-Cucinella oh, Cunicella, I apologize.
She says, "Sometimes when I'm cooking, I talk out loud to
a fake camera and pretend that I have my own cooking show."
[ Laughter ] We're just gonna let this simmer
right here and come over here, we're gonna make
a little, my secret is a little lemon in there.
[ Laughter ] I do that, too.
Oh, this is great. This one's from @Penswild87.
She says, "Sometimes I randomly go out and buy balloons
to cheer myself up." -Aw.
-I do that with beer, so don't worry about it it's fine.
[ Laughter ]
This one's from @EBelindaKeaton.
She says, "I sometimes put song lyrics in Ziploc bags
so I can sing them properly in the shower."
[ Laughter ] -Oh!
-That's a life hack right there. That's fantastic.
I'm gonna steal that. -Yeah, then you can also pretend
like you're being broken up with in a movie.
-No, that's true. -You know?
-This one's from @jenball10.
She says, "Sometimes when I'm watching "Family Feud,"
I like to see if I can look up the families on Facebook.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, why not? They're real families.
-Yeah, come on, they're real families.
-Survey says! That's creepy. Survey says, that's creepy.
[ Laughter ] I would like that.
See some family photos of them. -Yeah.
-Uh, this one's from @asencio-ryan.
He says, "When I don't like someone, I make an avatar
of them on the Sims and make them live a hard life."
[ Laughter ]
You have high cholesterol. I'd like to order three more pizzas.
[ Laughter ]
This one's from @richandcorey.
He says, "I had a dead battery collection when I was little.
I would spread them out on my bed and just stare at them."
[ Laughter ]
That's sad. That is just sad. -That is sad.
-This last one here's from @Stephy-steph25.
She says, "If I miss the clap part of the "Friends"
theme song, I have to watch another episode
so I can do the clap and get it out of my system."
[ Laughter ] I got you there.
There you have it. Those are Tonight Show Hashtags.
To check out more of our favorites,
go to tonightshow.com/hashtags.
-♪ Hashtags ♪
-I thought I'd share some of my favorite,
#MyDumbInjury tweets from you guys, here we go.
This first one's from @scarr257.
[ Laughter ] -Scar?
-Scar, yeah. -Well, first of all his name's
"Scar." -I know, that's what I'm saying.
-he does have a lot of injuries.
He says, "I dislocated my knee playing charades
and everyone thought it was part of the charade."
[ Laughter ]
It's like. -Pain!
-Pain, pain! Joint paint. -Injury.
Arthritis. [ Laughter ]
-Limping. Ah, oh, ER. ER? [ Laughter ]
This is from @Mander9696.
He says, "My leg accidentally fell though the trampoline
springs and I was stuck.
My pug saw it happen and began humping my leg."
[ Laughter ]
"Go get help, boy! Get out of here!"
-At least somebody won. [ Laughter ]
-This one's from @idgeddes7.
He says, "Once at a dance I was doing the worm and split my chin
open on the dance floor.
Then I just danced off crying like nothing happened."
[ Laughter ]
-Leaving a trail of blood.
-This one's from @JordanPhilly.
He says, "My cousin jumped off the kitchen counter and landed
on a Christmas cookie cutter.
Now she's got a scar in the shape of Santa Claus."
[ Laughter ] -Dumb or the best?
-Kind of cool, actually that's pretty cool.
-If you've gotta have a scar.
-Yeah everyone likes Santa Claus.
-Ask @scarr257. -I know.
This one's from @GregMaxwell85.
He says, "I shocked myself plugging in an old TV cord.
After the third shock, I sat down
and forgot what I was doing." [ Laughter ]
-[ Imitates electric shock ]
[ Imitates electric shock ]
[ Imitates electric shock, garbles ]
[ Laughter ]
-This one's from @KristenRose124. She says --
-Hey, Jimmy. -Hey. Whoa. Hey!
[ Cheers and applause ] -Hi.
-Steve. -Judd Apatow. Judd Apatow. What?
[ Cheers and applause ] Hey, buddy.
Nice to see you. What are you doing here?
-You know, I heard about your hand and I was just worried
about you and just wanted to check up on you.
-That's very, very nice. That's very very cool of you.
-I also thought this was an incredible
marketing opportunity. [ Laughter ]
-Excuse me? -Well, I got a movie coming out,
"Trainwreck," you guys gonna go?
[ Cheers and applause ]
And it opens tomorrow night but I think if you go tonight
Manohla Dargis loved it. -Okay good.
-Yeah, and I thought, you're kind of a human train wreck.
Right? -Not really. But yeah, I guess.
-And this is a lot of ad space. This is a lot of ad space.
So I thought, because it looked so weird and white,
we'd put that right there. -Uh-huh.
[ Laughter ] -Okay?
-Yeah. -And now sit down.
-Okay. -And then,
for the rest of the show it looks better
and it promotes the movie. Look.
Put that out of the way. [ Laughter ]
-That's the "Tonight Show" logo.
-And then when you interview people just scratch your chin
a little bit. -Like that?
-Yeah. -But I don't do that.
-And then fix the eyebrows every once in awhile during the show.
-Fix my eyebrows? That covers my whole face.
-Wait hold on a second. -[ Laughs ]
-Anyway, I'm so glad you feel better. I hope it sticks.
-I didn't say I didn't feel better. thank you. Bye, Judd.
Judd Apatow. [ Cheers and applause ]
He said I felt better.
He didn't even let me answer to see if I did feel better.
-[ Laughs ] There you go.
Perfect. Make sure it's straight.
-[ Laughs ]
Uh, this one's from @KristenRose124.
-What's she say? -She says, "I punched the window
out of a car to save a dog stuck inside and broke my hand.
The dog was actually a wig and I had to pay $750."
[ Laughter ]
-You just -- yeah. That's --
-At least the wig didn't start humping her.
-That's true. -That would've been weird.
-Or did it? [ Laughter ]
-Uh, this last one has a picture, you guys.
It's from @JordanRayHalsey.
He says, "I fell down the stairs while taken a selfie.
Broke my toe and got this picture."
There you are and there you have it.
Those are Tonight Show Hashtags.
To check out more of our favorites,
go to tonightshow.com/hashtags.
-♪ Hashtags ♪
-Now I'm gonna share some of my favorite
#NewWeedLaws tweets from you guys.
This first one's from @TeruTeruJiru.
She says, "All menus should be like the one at Denny's;
Large pictures of food so you can just point at what you want
without having to talk."
It's like, uh. [ Applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-[ Grunts ] -[ Laughs ] You grunted?
[ Laughter ] -Dude. Dude.
-Dude? -Dude. Du-ude.
-Oh, dude. -Du-ude.
[ Laughter ] -Dude?
Dude or dude?
-Dude. -Dude or dude?
Oh, okay I'll go with the dude. Yeah you're right.
[ Grunting ] -Yoinks.
-This one's from @NeverleftOz. -Uh-oh.
-She says, "All public parks will have
"Contemplating benches," where you can just sit
and really think about stuff." [ Laughter applause ]
I think that's what benches are. -Yeah I think -- yeah.
-You can do that now at a bench. -Yeah.
Dude. -Dude, have a seat.
This one's from @Bigten119.
He says, "All video games must have a "Stoned"
difficulty level." Oh, well that's --
[ Applause ]
Ah, forget it, man, I don't know.
-Turns into a kaleidoscope.
-This one's from @yrocdrumz.
He says, "Rap songs can't be allowed to have
police sirens in them anymore." Yeah I know
what you're talking about. -Yeah.
[ Both imitating police sirens ]
[ As police ] Pull over! -What happened?
-What, I'm discussing this so bust it.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, well, this one's from @ShnitzGabai.
-Shnitz? Shnitz? Not -- with an "N" or without an "N"?
-Shnitz. Of course. -Okay Shnitz.
-ShnitzGabai. N-Not "goodbye."
G-A-B-A-I. -Gabai?
-Gab-eye? -Gab-eye?
-Gu-bye. -G'bye.
-Shnitz, goodbye, -Hey Shnitz, bye.
-Shnitz, goodbye. -Imodium A-D.
-That's not, yeah like what Heidi Klum says
of the reality show, if you lose.
She goes, "Shnitz, goodbye." And that's it.
But that's different. This is different.
-Okay. This is different.
-I thought it was like an anti-diarrhea medicine.
-Shnitz? [ Laughter ]
Dude, I'll have the
Look at my new T-shirt, dude. -I want the chicken
-Dude. -Duh.
Uh, Shnitz says, "In all driver licenses, the description
of eye color will be permanently changed to red."
[ Laughter ] Everyone has red eyes.
He's 6 foot tall, he had red eyes.
Half closed. [ Laughter ]
This last one is from @KingBayhive -- err, Beyhive.
He says, "There should be a separate line at fast food
for the "I just smoked, so this might take awhile" customers."
There you go. Those are Tonight Show Hastags.
To check out more of our favorites,
go to tonightshow.com/hashtags.