- So this morning, I went to Starbucks.
You know Starbucks. You've heard of Starbucks?
(audience) Yeah! Yep.
There's one on the corner next to the Starbucks
across from the Starbucks?
[laughter]
Go in there for coffee, should be simple.
You go in, you order, they say "What's your name?"
You tell them your name. A few minutes later,
they hand you a coffee that says "Helen."
You know. [laughter]
Should be easy, it's not.
First, there's a long line. Why is there a line?
I mean, there are more Starbucks in the world
then there are people. We should all--
[laughter] We should have our individual
Starbucks by now. [laughter]
I think one reason is-- the line is so long because
the people don't know what to order.
That's--that's one of the things.
These people, they go every single day,
and then they just stare up at the menu.
[laughter]
Like seeing it for the first time.
It's the same menu. Nothing's changed.
They have coffee, they have tea,
and they have Michael Buble CDs.
[laughter]
Choose something.
And then there are the people who know what they want,
but they're--they-- so complicated.
That's the problem with it.
There's a woman in front of me,
she ordered a mocha, no-foam, extra whip, sugar-free,
double shot, non-fat, vanilla iced, Ariana Grande.
And-- [laughter]
Then after you place your order,
you walk over to the barista station,
which is a fancy name for "coffee pourer person," and--
[laughter] This is a place where people
stand as close to the counter
as they possibly can, even though there are 12 people
waiting for their order that were before them.
And then, after you get your coffee,
you have a seat, which-- you can't find a seat,
it's impossible, 'cause
I call 'em "Starbucks Squatters."
That's what they-- They order one coffee,
and then they sit there-- 8 to 12 hours.
And they bring so much stuff with them.
It looks like they're moving in.
They have a newspaper, they have a book,
a charger, a laptop,
extension cords, a cot,
[laughter]
pictures of their family, a personal assistant,
a garden hose--I don't know why.
[laughter]
No one should spend that much time at a Starbucks,
which brings me to the dress code,
and I've mentioned this before, but,
Spandex bike shorts are not acceptable.
[laughter]
A) You're sweaty.
B) No one wants to see you dig in there for exact change.
[loud laughter]
There is nothing worse than a warm dollar.
[groans and laughter]