*intro music*
*intro music and mechanical keyboard typing*
When I think of Life Simulation Games,
Which is a genre I love,
there are few notable examples.
Little Computer People,
Alter Ego,
The Sims,
Real Lives, maybe even Singles,
If by "life simulation" you mean "boning people in your apartment simulation",
but there's one that's a bit different that shouldn't be left out,
and that is Jones In The Fast Lane.
Developed and published by Sierra Online in 1990 for IBM-compatible PCs.
And yes, as you might imagine,
the name plays with the phrases "Keeping up with the Jonses"
and "Life in the fast lane",
which makes sense, considering it's an adventure
in real life
Except it's just a computer game, but hey - who's to say that that's not real?
It's real to the megabytes,
last time I checked.
How can you say their version of reality is
any less valid than yours or mine?
Inside its luscious pink box
you'll find the game on floppy discs
or a single CD-ROM as seen here,
Which one-ups the floppy version with redbook audio voices
and some visual enhancements.
You also get a fold-out sheet covering the basic rules,
very similar to what might come with a board game.
And of course there is a manual covering installation details and technical stuff,
as well as a section showing you how to read the manual.
If you don't know how to read the manual,
how does one go about reading how to read the manual?
Nah, I know what they mean, but it still sounds silly when you just read the header.
Cojones in the Fast Lane begins with some colorful credits and music,
That's upbeat as balls.
*music that's upbeat as balls plays*
You then get the main menu allowing you to click the main options,
Start a new game, restore a saved game,
or watch the computer play with itself.
Since I like to give my computer some privacy when it's in the mood for that kind of thing,
I just start a new game and here, you're given the choice of 1~4 players,
followed by a selection of four digitized people to use as avatars.
After this you can set your goals, which fall into four categories:
Wealth, happiness, education and career.
The goal of the game is to achieve the goal of the game
which are your goals, not really the game's goals,
So uh, I don't even know where I'm going with that.
You're also given the choice to play against Jones,
which is not only the game's namesake and mascot,
but is a computer-controlled character with customisable skill levels,
so you're not stuck playing alone or with no challenge
if you don't want to.
After this, the game begins immediately,
with player 1 dropped into their first week in the world of Jones,
with nothing but a crappy apartment, crappy clothes, crappy skills,
and...200 dollars. That's not so crappy.
You can think of this as a traditional family board game in computer game form,
with each player taking a turn, and doing what they can to make progress before their turn is up.
Each turn counts as one week in the game,
But really that's kind of irrelevant,
All you need to know is that once the clock at the bottom of the screen turns red,
your turn is up.
As mentioned earlier, the goal is to reach the set level of success
you chose at the beginning and try to do so before any other players.
But how you go about doing that is entirely up to you.
Much like other life simulation games such as Alter Ego and The Sims,
there are a plethora of ways to go about living life,
but each of them come with their own pros and cons
since you're gonna have to purchase food and clothes and rent every so often
you're going to need some kind of income.
Really the only ways to do this are to get a job or win the lottery,
and seeing as the latter almost never happens
seeking employment is probably going to be the first order of business.
Head on down to the employment office and try to find a job,
but keep in mind that the good ones all require experience,
education or both so you're probably going to be stuck flipping burgers
or mopping floors for a little while at least.
What you do with that money, though, well that's not so straightforward.
While you should seek food, clothing and shelter each of these can be neglected
although it's obviously something to avoid if you want to win
For example stop eating and you'll have more money but you'll have less energy
which means you're not able to do as much during the week.
Wear out your clothes and you won't have anything to make you not naked
you'll have to wear a barrel or old newspapers
which means you can't go to work
Stop paying your rent and...
Well actually, not much happens
you'll get bugged about it and your landlord takes a bit from any wages you do earn
but it's actually pretty forgiving.
In fact, I feel maybe it's a bit too forgiving
since there's not really any way to get a game over
and even when you're terribly down on your luck
the game will randomly give you a wad of cash
out of pity to keep you going,
Yeah, I realize it's made to play like a board game
and those typically don't have an early losing state
but Jones is also a life simulator of sorts
and one of the best parts of life simulation for me is being able to lose.
Now just hear me out:
If you can't lose, what's the point of winning?
Winning is overcoming failure and the higher the chance of failure,
the more fulfilling the success when you have it
it's why I choose not to cheat in games like the Sims,
because there's the threat of horrible things
like rejection, bankruptcy and death
that makes the good times so pleasurable.
So once I figured out that you can't die, go completely bankrupt
or starve in Jones in the Fast Lane,
it took away some of the thrill of victory for me.
That said, this realization allowed me to play the game
as a true computerized board game,
and not just a life simulator and on that basis it's actually pretty darn fun.
The game plays a bit like an amalgamation of Monopoly, Careers and the Game of Life,
and if you enjoy two or more of those then you're going to find something to like here.
There is something oddly alluring about taking a nobody and making them a somebody
through a mixture of skill, trial and error and blind luck.
You know, furthering your education so you can get a better job
so you can get a nice suit
So you can be presentable for an even better job
so you can earn enough money to compensate for inflation
and buy 17 freaking hot tubs for your craphole studio apartment,
It's just awesome.
Yes, Jones the Fast Lane does just that
and it does it with a pinch of humor and lightheartedness that would have
really appealed to me as a youngster,
and still kinda does as an adult.
The game's satire on life and modern day society
really fits the overall theme of the game
without ever going nearly as dark as something like the GTA series does
and it's got crisp and colorful graphics,
campy voice acting and cheery music to go along with it
The tone stays consistent throughout the entirety of the game,
and it's not a terribly long game either
taking anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes to complete
depending on the number of players and how successful you are at reaching your goals.
Once someone reaches their goals first they're declared the winner at life
and Jones will prance across the screen tossing confetti all over the place
because he doesn't give a crap about the environment
or whoever has to clean up that mess.
What a disrespectful tool bag.
The other players can then continue to play if they want to
or you can start all over again and try new avatars, new goals,
new career paths, new investments, and new educational strategies.
And that's the lasting appeal of Jones the Fast Lane for me,
like a classic board game it's slightly different every time you play
and when you play with more than just yourself or Jones
the competitive aspect just makes it that much more enjoyable.
I do kinda wish it had a bit more to it
like being able to buy a house, buy a car, seek romance,
get older, started a doomed business, go bankrupt,
die alone, et cetera
but then if I want this I'll just go and play the Sims or something.
I f I want a simple turn based thing that's fun but not terribly involved,
this definitely will come to mind.
So if you're curious about how it might be to own 53 black-and-white TVs
while not even owning any clothes,
then why not give Jones in the Fast Lane a look?
*outro music*