OH, THE EXCITEMENT.
THE EXCITEMENT IS RICH IN THIS ROOM.
CAN CAN YOU SMELL-ELL-ELL-ELL THE
INCENSE?
BECAUSE POPE FRANCE SIS NOW ON AMERICAN SOIL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND FOLKS I COWED NOT-- AS A
CATHOLIC I COULD NOT BE MORE HUMBLY EXCITED.
YAY-MEN!
( LAUGHTER ) THE PEOPLE'S POPE MADE HEADLINES
THE SECOND HE ARRIVED, GETTING PICKED UP AT THE AIRPORT NOT IN
A LIMOUSINE BUT IN A FIAT, PROVING HE IS NOT ONLY A MAN OF
GREAT HUMILITY BUT A MAN OF TREMENDOUS FAITH.
HEAVENLY FATHER, PLEASE LET THIS CAR MAKE IT TO THE HOTEL FOR,
LO, IT IS BUT A MOTORIZED ROLLER SKATES.
THE THE POPE VISITED THE WHITE
HOUSE, GREETED BY A LAVISH SOUTH LAWN WELCOME, "THE MOST REGAL OF
PAGEANTRIES THAT WASHINGTON HAS TO OFFER."
OH, THE PAGEANTRY!
IT'S JUST LIKE A WEDDING.
THIS GUEST OF HONOR EVEN WORE A WHITE DRESS.
AND THE POPE REALLY ENJOYED-- A SHORT NAP.
BECAUSE APPARENTLY HE FELL ASLEEP DURING THE CEREMONY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, COME ON.
CUT THE GUY SOME SLACK.
HE'S GOT JET LAG.
HE WAS IN CUBA YESTERDAY, AND THE TIME DIFFERENCE IS...
1952.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S A WHIRLWIND.
IT'S A WHIRLWIND-- I GOTTA GET ME ONE OF THOSE.
IT'S A WHIRLWIND TOUR OF THE UNITED STATES FOR IL PAPA, WITH
STOPS IN PHILADELPHIA, WASHINGTON, D.C., AND NEW YORK
CITY.
STICKING TO THE EAST COAST, OF COURSE, BECAUSE OF THAT BEEF HE
HAS WITH HOLOGRAM TUPAC.
FOLKS, AS A CATHOLIC, I AM A TOTAL FRANCIS FANBOY, BUT NOT
EVERYBODY LIKES WHAT HE'S DOING.
SINCE HE TOOK OFFICE, POPE FRANCIS HAS BEEN MODERNIZING THE
VATICAN.
HE'S EMBRACED EVOLUTION, WELCOMED GAY WORSHIPPERS AND
RELEASED THE TEN COMMANDMENTS AS A BUZZFEED LISTICLE
THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE WILL LOVE NUMBER NINE.
WHICH BY THE THE WAY WAS ALSO THE NAME OF MY HIGH SCHOOL METAL
BAND.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT WHAT'S REALLY GETTING
PEOPLE'S CHAUSIBLE IN A BUNCH ARE STATEMENTS ON CLIMATE
CHANGE, LIKE THIS ONE AT THE WHITE HOUSE THIS MORNING.
>> ACCEPTING THE URGENCY, IT SEEMS CLEAR TO ME ALSO THAT
CLIMATE CHANGE IS A PROBLEM WE CAN NO LONGER BE LEFT TO OUR
FUTURE GENERATION.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ENGLISH ISN'T HIS FIRST LANGUAGE.
THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN TOUGH TO CATCH.
LET ME READ IT TO YOU.
"ACCEPTING THE URGENCY, IT SEEMS CLEAR TO ME ALSO THAT CLIMATE
CHANGE IS A PROBLEM WE CAN NO LONGER BE LEFT TO OUR FUTURE
GENERATION."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ANYWAY, THE PONTIFF-- HE READ IT
PRETTY WELL, ACTUALLY.
HE READ IT PRETTY WELL.
WHAT THE PONTIFF IS ASKING IS FOR ALL OF US TO CHANGE OUR
POSITION ON CARBON EMISSION, WHICH IS SURPRISING BECAUSE FOR
YEARS THE CHURCH HAS HAD A CLEAR EMISSIONARY POSITION.
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
THIS-- THIS IS A BOLD--
THIS IS A BOLD STEP FORWARD FOR MY CHURCH, AND, AS A CATHOLIC, I
COULDN'T BE PROUDER.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FOR ALL THE THINGS I'M ASHAMED OF.
BUT SOME DON'T LIKE IT OUT THERE, AND ANGER ON THE POPE'S
VIEWS ON GLOBAL WARMING WILL COME TO A
HEAD TOMORROW MORNING BECAUSE CATHOLIC ARIZONA CONGRESSMAN AND
SUPERCUTS TEST MODEL PAUL GOSAR HAS ANNOUNCED HE'S BOYCOTTING
POPE FRANCIS' ADDRESS TO CONGRESS, ADDING "IF THE POPE
WANTS TO DEVOTE HIS LIFE TO FIGHTING CLIMATE CHANGE, THEN HE
CAN DO SO IN HIS PERSONAL TIME."
PERSONAL TIME?
WHAT PERSONAL TIME ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
GOSAR GOZERIAN?
A POPE IS ALWAYS POPE, EVEN WHEN EVEN WHEN HE'S POPED.
HE EVEN WORKS SUNDAYS!
EVEN WORSE, GOSAR ALSO SAID ABOUT THE POPE, "TO PROMOTE
QUESTIONABLE SCIENCE AS CATHOLIC DOGMA IS RIDICULOUS."
SO I GUESS WHAT THE CONGRESSMAN IS SAYING IS THE POPE SHOULD BE
PROMOTING HARD SCIENCE, LIKE WALKING ON WATER AND VIRGIN
BIRTHS.
COME ON!
( APPLAUSE ) ONE CATHOLIC TO ANOTHER?
"HOC EST TAURUM STERCORE."
THIS IS THE VICAR OF CHRIST YOU'RE WALKING OUT ON.
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FLOCK WHAT YOUR PERSONAL DOCTRINE IS, YOU
DO NOT DISRESPECT THE BISHOP OF ROME.
AND IF YOU'RE SO STUCK IN YOUR WAYS-- AND, YES, IT'S HARD FOR
ME TO TALK I'M SO ANGRY.
AND IF YOU'RE SO STUCK IN YOUR WAYS THAT YOU WOULD GIVE UP YOUR
CHANCE TO HEAR THE WORDS OF OUR HOLY FATHER, THEN CAN I HAVE
YOUR TICKETS?
JUST OVERNIGHT THEM TO STEPHEN COLBERT, CARE OF THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER.
AND IF I RUN INTO THE POPE, I GOT YOU COVERED.
I'LL HAVE THE NEAREST THREE-YEAR-OLD CUT MY HAIR, AND
I'LL SAY I'M YOU.