- Oh, hey, you showed up.
I was just checking the exits
in case you turn out to be a weirdo
and I have to make an escape.
- You're not joking, are you?
- I am not.
(uplifting music)
Wow, you are on time to this date.
In fact, you're early.
- Yeah, I allow myself an extra 30 minutes
to look for parking
and have a meltdown about how hard it is to find parking.
- Okay.
- Figured going into the movies is a perfect date
because there's no obligation to have conversation.
And if either one of us aren't feeling it,
then we can just make an excuse about how we have
to get more popcorn and then bail.
- Well, thank you for saying what we both were thinking.
That's kind of my thing.
- That's what I do.
So you know what you're gonna order yet?
- We literally just got the menu.
- Yeah, but I Googled the menu
and figured out what I was gonna order a few days ago.
- Okay, yeah, I'm gonna need at least 20 minutes
to read every item on the menu three times,
and ultimately just get chicken tendees like I always do.
- There are no chicken tendees on this menu.
- Then I won't eat.
- Understandable.
- You appear to be deep in thought.
What are you thinking about?
- Just about whether to get water or Coca-Cola Classic.
- Ah, yes, an age-old philosophical debate.
Do you choose the life sustaining powers of agua,
or do you succumb to the sweet, sweet taste
of tooth-rotting chemicals?
- Well, when you put it that way,
I'll have the Coke.
- Your eyes, they're so arresting.
You could really intimidate someone with that.
- Oh.
- Have you learned how to weaponize it yet?
- This is just my face.
- So naive.
With my brains and your looks,
we could do some damage.
Listen, I'm not into small talk.
- Me neither.
- So let's just get right into the real stuff.
- Let's do it.
- What are your thoughts on aliens?
- Oh, I guess.
- They're totally among us already, aren't they?
- Yeah, I can say that, for sure.
- Why didn't you tell her your order was wrong?
- It's okay.
- Excuse me, server, I'm real sorry,
but she asked for mashed potatoes, not french fries!
- And I ordered a medium, but this is medium-rare.
- What is happening in that kitchen?
We are getting a free dessert out of this.
- Oh, that's good.
- And no matter what I accomplished as a kid,
I always felt like I would never measure up to Peanut.
My mom's Pomeranian.
I've never told anyone any of this before.
- Yeah, well, oh, I've gotta be, oh, okay.
Hey, it's okay. I gotta go.
- I gotta admit I did a little bit of investigation
before our date tonight.
- Oh?
- Just stuff to make sure we're compatible.
I checked out your Spotify.
Your Letterboxed, your GoodReads.
- Well, do I pass the litmus tests?
- I'll be honest, I usually don't date people
who have such mainstream taste,
but, I'll make an exception.
- Wow, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Wish I had done a little more homework myself
before this date.
- So yeah, if you'd like to make out, I mean, make plans
for another date, I'd love that.
Just ignore the first thing I said.
- Sure, that would be great.
- Cool, okay.
I love you.
Crap, I mean, ignore that too.
- You're asking me to ignore half the things you say.
- I recognize that future wife.
No, God, ignore that too.
- You were so different than all the other girls on the app.
- Oh really?
- Yeah, it was just so clear that you didn't care
that your pictures weren't perfect,
and that maybe you didn't look great in all of 'em.
They weren't the best angle.
Maybe you saw a few blemishes
that could've been photoshopped out.
No, you left it all in.
I really appreciated that.
- Makes sense, why I would stand out.
- Wow, this went better than any
of the 500 scenarios I ran in my head before the date.
- Yeah, same.
- You did that too?
- Yeah, I always do.
- Me too.
- Probably not a good thing.
- No, no, this is not gonna work.
- Bad match.
- Now, I know you said you wanted
to go somewhere quiet and low key.
So we're going to a dueling piano bar.
- Isn't that extremely loud?
- No, silly.
It's dueling pianos.
How loud could it be?
(upbeat music)
Having fun?
- Yeah, yeah, you know it.
- What ya say?
Wow, this was fun, but I gotta get going.
- Oh yeah. Wow, it's 11:30.
- Yeah, wow, and we got here at 5:00.
- It didn't feel that long.
- No.
- Well, maybe a little while.
- There were a couple times where I was like, yeah,
this is going a little kind of excessive.
- This is a trick, right?
- No human being is this quiet.
- That's just how I am, I'm quiet.
- You're doing it intentionally to get me
to talk more about myself.
- Well.
- Don't deny it.
You're gathering a buttload of information about me.
Meanwhile, I have practically zero information
about you so I can project whatever image I want to on you.
- Is that what I'm doing?
- Yeah.
- This explains a lot about my dating fails over the years.
- So how about you open up
and actually tell me a little bit about yourself.
- Okay.
- Well.
- I gotta go, sorry.
- Wow.
♪ Guess I like pina coladas ♪
♪ I love rock and roll ♪