-You guys, spring is in the air.
Flowers are blooming. Birds are chirping.
Everyone is stocking up on Benadryl.
And that includes my writers. You know, my writing staff,
they write hundreds of monologue jokes every day
just to get the 10 or 12 we end up using.
And sometimes
I think they throw in a few stinkers
just to get their numbers up and meet the assignment.
[ Laughter ]
But just because pollen levels are through the roof,
that doesn't mean we can tolerate laziness,
which means it's time for another "Surprise Inspection."
[ Fanfare playing ]
Alright. So here's how this works.
I'm going to read some real jokes
that were really submitted by my writers to me, their boss.
These jokes are unusable for this show.
Some are dumb, some are offensive,
some are just confusing.
And most importantly, this is the most important part.
My writers don't know we're doing this,
and because most of them don't watch the show,
they'll never know. [ Laughter ]
So let's get started. Vice President Kamala Harris
participated in a roundtable discussion today
about reproductive rights in Des Moines, Iowa.
Because women who think they might want to have a child
deserve the right to change "Des Moinz." [their minds]
[ Audience laughs, groans ]
That was written by Matt Goldich.
There he is. [ Laughter ]
Des Moinz. I mean, obviously, it doesn't work.
Maybe if anybody, if any,
the slang for "their minds" was ever Des Moinz.
[ Laughter ]
I'm sure this next one will bounce us right back.
Today was Abba singer Bjorn Ulvaeus' 78th birthday.
Wow. It's hard to believe he was bjorn[born] in 1945.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Apologies.
[ Cheers and applause ]
If you applaud, you're just going to get more of this.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new study, quality of sleep
can positively impact quality of life.
"Uh, you're welcome," said Bill Cosby.
[ Audience groans ]
No applause that time?
[ Laughter ]
"I liked Bjorn for born but I didn't..."
[ Laughter ]
That was written by Mike Scollins, who's a bad guy.
[ Laughter ]
That was a photo that was taken after he shoved a kid
and people got mad at him. He was like, "Hey!"
[ Laughter ]
A high school principal in Florida
recently resigned after she received criticism
from parents for showing sculpture
Michelangelo's -- sorry, go back, Wally --
for showing students, excuse me --
Well, I made a mistake here. You know what?
So when this joke stinks,
it's still not my fault.
[ Laughter ]
A high school principal in Florida
recently resigned after she received criticism
from parents for showing students
Michelangelo's sculpture
"David" in direct violation of the state's
"Don't say gray" law.
[ Audience groans ]
So is that because --
Do we think that because the statue is gray?
I'm hoping that was written by ChatGPT and not...
[ Laughter ]
Show me ChatGPT!
Oh [bleep]
[ Laughter and applause ]
Brian also did Bjorn?
Imagine. Imagine your day is over.
And the best thing you did was the Bjorn joke.
[ Laughter ]
Authorities in France found nearly 2,000 pounds of cocaine
this week on a beach in the English Channel.
"Oops, sorry. That's mine," said a whale.
[ Light laughter ]
It feels like it got -- It was like -- Almost like
right when it almost got to a joke,
Karen here was like, "I'm good."
[ Laughter ]
Like a whale with a neck tattoo. Like maybe. Right?
Whale with a pair of Ray-Bans working on a screenplay, maybe.
Right? Just a whale. Because Karen saw it.
She's like, "That's a lot of cocaine.
It's on a beach. What's something equally big?
A whale." [ Laughter ]
And she got to that part and she was just like, "Send."
[ Laughter ]
Karen, interestingly, our smallest writer,
which is why whenever a little bit of cocaine goes missing...
[ Laughter and applause ]
A pilot -- A pilot in South Africa
recently had to make an emergency landing
after he spotted a venomous snake under his seat.
Even worse, the snake took its shoe off for the whole flight.
[ Light laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
So the idea -- The key part of this joke
is that a snake would only be able to wear one shoe.
The problem with it is all of us know
they don't wear shoes at all.
[ Laughter ]
That was Ian.
[ Laughter ]
That's the face he makes
when a very dim light bulb goes off over his head.
[ Laughter ]
It was announced last week
that a second Peppa Pig theme park will open in Texas.
But make sure to come early
because they sell out pretty fast.
[ Audience groans ]
Yeah. She's not real.
[ Laughter ]
That was -- Who was that?
There we go.
[ Laughter ]
He is, as they say, on fire.
[ Laughter ]
That's actually what HR has told us we can't do to him.
[ Laughter ]
"Can we set him on fire?" They're like, "No."
Okay, you guys, Karen's back.
I'm just going to spoil it and say,
Karen's going to try to bounce back after Whalegate.
[ Laughter ]
An artist in Australia recently set a Guinness world record
for the widest wig.
"Finally," said Charlie Brown.
[ Audience groans ]
So I guess the idea is he's got a big old wide head
and that he's long wanted to wear a wig.
And then this was good news.
And, uh, I don't know.
[ Laughter ]
I feel like it doesn't even work a [bleep] tiny bit.
[ Laughter ]
Ooh, this is going to be a good one.
Compared. [ Laughter ]
The Justice Department has filed a lawsuit
against the drugstore Rite Aid that alleges it violated
the Controlled Substances Act and said the company
"knowingly filled unlawful prescriptions."
So needless to say, many former
Rite Aid employees are going to have to work on their CVs.
[ Audience groans ]
You know?
You know how, you know people in modern America,
when they lose their jobs, say,
[English accent] "Well, I best work on my CV."
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Show me Ian!
[ Laughter ]
Today was molecular biologist James Watson's 95th birthday.
Wow. 95. He must have some crick in his neck.
[ Light laughter ]
Not even -- No part of this...
So Watson and Crick, you know, they got the double helix here.
You know, they discover it.
But why does he have a crick in his neck?
Why does that mean he's living longer?
I just feel like Ali -- let's show Ali.
Just like some words appeared to her.
[ Laughter ]
She was like, "Watson." She was like,
"Oh, of Watson and Crick?"
And then a part of her brain was like,
"Ooh, crick."
[ Laughter ]
[ Whispering ] "Ali, Ali, like a crick in your neck."
[ Laughter ]
And she was like, "No. Shut up, brain.
That doesn't make any sense."
[ Laughter ]
And her brain was like, "No, it'll work really good."
[ Laughter ]
She's like, "Mm-hmm."
Is this our last one? Yeah, this is the last one.
We often go to Scollins for our closers,
and that's what we're doing here today.
Scollins. We've seen Scollins once before
and it was a Cosby joke,
which was everyone's favorite.
[ Laughter ]
Today was National Napping Day,
said parents who weren't ready to tell the truth about grandma.
[ Audience groans loudly ]
What? No, no, no.
There you go. Yeah. Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
You don't get it!
You guys, what a time we've had.
This has been "Surprise Inspection."
[ Fanfare playing ]