hey everybody I bow to the love and the light that is absolutely in you and
thank you for joining me for this video so today I've got a really interesting
email from Terry in Virginia and I think that there's going to be a lot of people
that can relate to it she writes dear Lisa please help I'm an a CoA which is
the adult child of an alcoholic I go to coda which is and is a support
group that is for codependents who are in recovery and I have been to therapy I
have been to recovery retreats followed gurus and shaman I am able to feel good
about myself for just a little bit of time but just when I think I've healed I
end up discovering I'm really stuck I know my marriage is over my husband is
completely self-absorbed and although there are moments I think you can hear
me 24 years later I now know he has no intentions of really changing I want to
leave but I struggle with feeling like I'm going I'm giving up I will have to
start all over it and I am so scared I worry about being 50 years old plus
single I worry that I'm too old to date I'm worried that I have to move out of
my beautiful home I thought and find an apartment I will have to give up my
antique furniture and so much more I hear myself saying oh these are just
things and then I feel guilty about feeling superficial ugh can you please
help me can you please help me unravel this love Terry from Virginia and you
have to use my real name I love you thank you so much Terry from Virginia so
there's so many different things that are going on in this email we have a
woman who has obviously done her fair share of personal work she has invested
a lot of time she has invested a lot of money so she's sincere and she's earnest
in her desire to feel less suffering in her life so the reason I wanted to I
picked her email because it's because I believe that it really is so poignant
and it helps identify and clarify for so many of us this idea of struggling and
suffering in our lives and I think that all people suffer for
the same reason and that reason in my humble opinion has to do with our
perceptions and our beliefs which is the result of childhood programming and
societal program programming as well and our associations too and with
attachments whatever we're attached to keeps us stuck and believe it or not
dear ones you can be attached to an idea and you can be attached to a concept and
so when I'm listening to to Terry talk about this idea that she knows that she
wants to leave her marriage when she thinks about leaving her marriage and
making that you know finally making that cut and saying I'm Donna leaving blah
blah she is overwhelmed by what all those changes means and what I see
happening is that when she thinks about moving forward what rushes in is all her
ideas about her attachments to things that she has learned to believe make her
happy or make her successful or to define her as a success so very often
times people define themselves as successful if they're in a marriage or
if they're in a relationship and that's a false idea so that is an attachment to
a false idea so if I think that I'm only successful if I'm married that is a
false idea then I am attached to this false belief and I will suffer if I'm
not in a relationship and that's why some people say that suffering is a
choice meaning that if I choose to believe that my worthiness is found in
me only when I'm able to be in a relationship than I will suffer because
the reality is I'm worthy whether a man in relationship or I'm not in a
relationship and you are worthy whether you are in a relationship or you are not
in a relationship but depending on how you were raised and
depending on what your belief systems are that will define what you're
attached to and so if you raise to think all worthless if I'm not
in a relationship dear when you grow up thinking about you're worthless and you
then you seek validation outside of yourself
and then what you do is in most cases because you attach this idea that I have
to be in a relationship you might put up with unnecessary nonsense and bullshit
because you are in a relationship and your mind thinks oh I need to be in
relationship I can't be out of relationship so what I knew Terry's
saying is that she is tied to attachments and what she has to do is
help herself face these ideas of attachments and then free herself one by
one so what she mentions is antique furniture all going have to give up my
antique furniture so that means there's a belief - I am worthy or I need this
antique furniture no you don't you need to drink water you need to eat food
that's good for you so you can survive and we could probably get by with eating
really crappy foods but what do we really need dear ones we need food we
need shelter we need warm we need clothing that's what we need these are
things that we absolutely need we think we need our antique furniture but we
don't we think we need to be in a relationship but we don't we think we
need to live in a big house but we don't so it's all these ideas and these
attachments and these perceptions that we have about what we think we need that
keep us stuck so Terry to help you unravel this I don't want you to feel it
I mean it's silly for me even say and I'm so glad that I said that I don't
want you to I don't want you to feel or I don't want you to say that you feel
guilty that is a ridiculous thing to even say because you already feel guilty
so I want you to do is I want you to acknowledge that you're feeling guilty
represents your attachment to this idea that you don't have a right to feel the
loss over the things that you will ultimately lose as a result of your
divorce so it is normal to feel the loss of the things that you will lose in a
divorce is very normal and if you if you sense that you're feeling guilty because
now you're judging yourself because oh I shouldn't feel that
I've been to shaman I've been to gurus and I know that this is just
materialistic stuff and I know that I shouldn't feel this way you're judging
yourself so another piece of advice that I have for you is is just accept how you
feel I often use in my coaching program this idea of layering and I tell people
don't layer an emotion in other words if you feel guilty allow yourself to feel
guilty you feel guilty it's like I have green eyes I can't help but if I feel
guilty because I suddenly had this moment where I'm upset because I
realized that I'm you know thinking about losing this antique furniture and
now I feel guilty because I it seems so silly when I think about it out loud I
allow myself to feel that way I allow myself to feel that guilt don't judge
yourself for feeling that way it's a very normal feeling someone has made you
feel guilty and that's where you feel guilty over this one idea allow yourself
to mourn and to grieve the things that you will lose it's very very normal but
then make a decision about what you want to do anyway so I believe that your
suffering do one because you have you have attachments to things that are
outside of you and I think that ultimately people do suffer on planet
Earth because we have been conditioned and brainwashed to see value and things
that are outside of ourselves including relationships including other people
including other people's validation and that's where codependency comes in we
seek validation and other people and we think that we need this validation and
then we are attached to this need that we think we have and so unraveling it
has to do with seeing what we're attached to and seeing how these
attachments are keeping us stuck and then understanding the benefit of
appreciating the idea of letting go sure it's okay to mourn the fact that you're
not going to be in this big beautiful house anymore you might live in a little
apartment sure it's okay to like to mourn the physical stuff and absolutely
but it's not okay to get stuck there because what I want you to take away
from this video dear one and anybody who's suffering with suffering at all
due to attachments and false ideas and false premises understand that their
self sabotaging what I want you to understand that it's at
putting normal and human to experience loss grief and suffering that's normal
because we've all been conditioned to attach to things outside of us I sell
advertisers do it all the time they force-feed us these ideas that we need
this product we need that or we have to look a certain way
so we are actually forced forced to believe in this idea of attachments and
things outside of us but I'm here offering you this piece of advice and
asking you to really look at those those things head-on ask yourself what am i
attached to and how are these attachments keeping me stuck and how are
they preventing me from living the life that I truly want to live I know for
myself and I just had a conversation with someone yesterday about this when I
moved into and my newsletter is about this day when I moved into my home after
a little tiny home after I got divorced it was oh my god it was it was a horror
compared to the house that I lived in with my children and my ex-husband and I
remember there was a time where I was judging myself you know thinking oh my
god I'm going backwards look at this little house look where it's so
different than where my kids grew up and I was really feeling bad about myself
and you know we had interet basement and we had you know a really like a 1920
bathroom and the bathtub was slanted I mean you took a bath in your half your
body was out of the water I'm it was just a lot of stuff was wrong with the
house everything had to be revamped and there was a time where I got caught up
in judging myself I'm not a good mom look what I've done to my kids look at
the house they growing up in look at the street but Baba bababa and I was judging
myself relentlessly I had to give up so much of my furniture I had to start all
over I had my ex-husband took my car away and my kids were driving around
this crappy little minivan but and I was judging myself right and when I was
beating myself up I eventually realized that I was inducing my suffering or I
was actually increasing my suffering and I began to change the way I was looking
at myself and when you change the way you look at yourself
on the inside that's when the world begins to change and I began to
understand that it was these false ideas that I had about my Worth and my
worthiness I had these ideas that were caught up in
my head that said something like well if I was a good mom I wouldn't have gotten
divorced if I was good mom then I would have been able to work it out with their
dad or if I was a good mom you know they would have those roller blades versus no
roller blades if I was a good mom my kids would have this or they would you
know they wouldn't go without if I was a good mom than whatever they would have
these clothes versus those clothes I was judging myself like crazy and I began to
understand understand this idea of attachments I was attached to these
ideas that that I allowed other people to define so and I had to come full
circle with it I had to realize wait a minute wait a - in I'm saying I'm worthy
if I can do this this this or this and I'm saying I'm not
worthy because I live in this house and then I began to understand that I had to
face those ideas of attachment and on and I had to go down a list a checklist
and do what I could to let those attachments go so dear one you are
attached to ideas that are not serving you you have worked yourself up and you
believe that you're worthy if you could have if you can take this Rindge with
you maybe you can or you're worthy you said something about you worried about
being 50 years old and single so you're attached this idea
that because of your age you're not worthy to date but whoever you're going
to date hopefully be around your age if that works out for you it's okay if it
doesn't could be older could be younger whatever floats you both dear ones
whatever it is that makes you happy but what I'm trying to drive home is this
idea that you may be attached to a false premise or an illusion and the illusion
is not serving you so dear one what I would say to you is make a long list of
all the things and all the ideas that you feel attached to make a list of all
the concepts that you think are holding you back I am not worthy because or I
don't think I'm afraid to get divorced because and what you
find at the end of that sentence is an attachment and what you want to do is
always bring it back to but I am worthy even if I never date anyone again I'm
still worthy even if I have to give up my antique furniture I'm still worthy
even if I have to move into a small apartment I'm still worthy even if even
if even if because ultimately dear one that is your truth that is my truth and
that is the truth for every human being that's ever been born the problem is we
have all bought into this idea that someone else is supposed to tell us
we're worthy before we can actually be worthy we've been told by advertisers
and alike that we're not worthy unless we look a certain way we're not worthy
once we drive this car we're not worthy unless we have sex as many times a week
or we're not worthy or less our hair is this long or that color it's a bunch of
a bunch of nonsense and in terms of advertisers it's manipulation and trust
me when I tell you that advertisers spend big bucks analyzing the way people
think and trying to really rattle their cage and figure out what makes a human
being tick and they use this information against us to manipulate us in marketing
so dear one you are enough I hope that if you have decided that your marriage
is over that you find the courage to walk through that door and you know I
read a quote one day that said the bridge shows up when you jump the bridge
doesn't show up before you jump the bridge shows up after your jump you're
struggling with attachments and it is my sincere hope dear one that as you move
forward you will be able to face these attachments and cross them off your list
and end your suffering sooner than later thank you so much for writing me and
asking me my opinion and asking me to help you unravel this I hope this has
helped you dear Terry from Virginia namaste dear ones about the love in the
life that is absolutely against you bye for now
you