- Hey, everybody.
Today, we're gonna talk about the top 10 life stressors
and how we can better cope with them,
because I don't know about you,
but I have never had more people in my life moving,
going through breakups, getting divorces, and so much more.
And even though we can all acknowledge
that what we're going through is stressful,
we can still feel like we don't have the right
to be struggling like we are.
And I'm here to tell you that you have every right
to feel the way you feel.
So let's get into that list.
And just so you know, I am not making this list up.
It was originally created by two researchers,
Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe
I'm pretty sure I'm saying that wrong but I'm doing my best,
in 1967 after seeing a connection
between certain life situations
and their patients becoming ill.
Interesting.
The scale is commonly known
as the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale.
And I'm gonna be honest, when I pulled it up,
I could have sworn that it included moving
as one of its original top 10,
but it turns out it was in the top 25.
But many researchers believe that it should be in the top 10
and therefore have included it in their top 10 lists.
But regardless of where it is in this list from 1967,
I consider moving to be one of the top 10
most stressful life events, and it's number 10 on my list
and the first one that I wanna talk about.
Moving is incredibly stressful
because there are so many details to work out
and it all has to be completed
while our life feels unsettled.
We don't know where anything is,
and if we moved a long distance,
we're gonna have to sort out
all sorts of important life things, like insurance,
you know, our actual physical health insurance
and our car insurance and all sorts of things,
finding a doctor, knowing where our local bank
or grocery store are, and so much more,
not to mention that if we are moving far away,
we may not know anybody there,
which can make it difficult to get in-person support
when we need it most.
And moving can be expensive,
and that can add stress to our life as well.
Moving is a huge adjustment, and therefore,
I believe it belongs on the top 10 list
of stressful life events.
Now moving on to number nine, retirement.
So often we assume that retirement is a good thing
and that by removing work stress, people will feel better.
And overall, that's true.
However, not having structure to our days
or things that we have to accomplish
can be a difficult transition,
and it can cause some people to feel aimless or lost.
Even though I dream of having days
where I don't have anything to do,
I think we can all agree
that we would get bored pretty quickly.
After a few weeks or so,
we would probably wanna have something to do,
and figuring out how we will fill our time
when we first retire can be really difficult
and it can take us a while to get adjusted.
Number eight, marital reconciliation.
And again, I think we would have all assumed
that getting back together with our spouse
would be a good thing,
but I think it has more to do with the reconciliation part
and how stressful it can be
to be split up in the first place
to try to work things out,
compromise when maybe we don't want to,
and talk through all of the issues we've had.
While it's wonderful that we're able to do that work
and come out the other end together,
it's also incredibly stressful.
Number seven is financial trouble.
And this one was no shock to me,
because when I wasn't making enough money to cover my bills,
I was super stressed out.
I remember lying awake at night worrying about the future
and how I was gonna pay
for all the things I needed to pay for.
It was terrible, terrible, terrible.
And I also know that finances and sex
are the two most common reasons for divorce.
So if we're having financial trouble,
it can take its toll on us as well as on our relationships.
And I would even argue that it should be higher up
on the list, but as you will see,
the other ones are pretty intense and stressful, too.
Number six is starting a new job or being fired.
Again, this goes more to the stress
associated with a life change.
If we are starting a new job,
we're being asked to learn a lot,
getting to know our boss and coworkers,
and trying our best to keep up with everything.
The first few weeks of work are stressful and hard.
And I remember,
I don't know if anybody else had this happen,
but I remember previous bosses telling me
that I had this one month kinda period
to see if I was a good fit,
And if I wasn't, they could just fire me immediately.
So that adds a little bit of pressure, too,
and made it even more stressful.
On the other hand, getting fired is terrible and stressful.
It can lead us to having financial issues,
but it can also harm our belief
in ourselves and our abilities.
And even if we get financial compensation,
we know it's gonna only last for so long,
and we're gonna have to hunt for a new job right away.
Number five is getting married,
and I can tell you from personal experience
that I have never been as stressed out
as I was when I was getting married.
And I run a private practice, a YouTube channel,
and I've written two books.
So trust me when I tell you
that getting married is pretty stressful.
Just elope, it'll save you a lot of stress and money.
Take it from me.
But anyways, weddings are expensive.
Everyone wants a say in who you invite
or what you do and what you don't do.
And it takes a long time to plan
and there are so many decisions that need to be made.
While it's an amazing event
and probably one of the best nights of my life,
it was still super stressful
and it took a lot of money and time to make it happen.
I even had to increase my therapy sessions
for the last few months leading up to it to twice a week.
So know that planning a wedding is no joke.
Number four is being injured or contracting an illness.
Just like the other items on this list.
It's the changes to our regular life or routine
that make things stressful,
and being injured or becoming ill definitely does that.
If we think about all the things this can affect,
like our ability to go to work and make a living,
or we can have hospital bills and other financial stressors,
not to mention that the mental toll
being ill or injured can have on us.
So many of you with chronic illnesses
have shared how much the physical illness
plays a large role in your mental health
and your ability to deal with other life upsets.
That's part of the reason that I wanted to share this list
is to validate all you may have been feeling
as a result of an intense life stressor.
We always try to brush things off
or assume that we're overreacting,
and this list makes it clear
that you are not overreacting at all.
You had an intensely stressful life event,
and it's okay to be upset about it
and feel like shit for awhile.
Getting up there towards the top,
we are at number three, and that is being imprisoned.
Now in Holmes and Rahe's original stress scale,
they didn't mention whether or not you were guilty
or had a long trial or any of that,
because frankly it doesn't matter.
If we'd been sent to prison,
everyone usually believes that we're guilty,
whether or not that's true,
and if we're innocent, I would just assume
that just piles on more stress.
And talk about a change to our life and routine,
there is nothing more jarring to our way of life
than being thrown in prison.
Many of our rights are gone
and we have to do what we're told.
It can also be a very scary experience.
And even if we get out, our life will be forever changed.
While I hope this one isn't relatable to too many of you,
I think that we can all agree,
it would be incredibly stressful to be incarcerated.
Number two is going through a divorce or separation.
Many of you have told me about your experience with divorce,
and I honestly believe that this is stressful
for the spouses going through it
as well as any children involved.
Divorce and separation are terrible
and can be overwhelming for anyone affected by them.
When we are the spouses going through it,
it can lead to financial issues.
If you forgot, that was number seven on this list already.
And the fighting that usually accompanies a divorce
or separation can make all of this even more upsetting,
not to mention having to split up
all the things you purchased or acquired
while you were together.
That could mean selling your home,
divvying up mementos and photos,
and many of my patients have told me that it can feel
like you just don't have anything left for yourself
because the memories are tainted
by the split and all the fighting,
and you don't wanna give up certain things
even though you don't maybe want them right now.
It's very, very complicated
and it's no wonder that it's number two on the list.
And finally, the most stressful life event
is the death of a loved one.
Losing a spouse, parent, sibling,
or anyone who's close to us is incredibly stressful
and can be difficult to manage.
I remember when my dad died, I was in graduate school.
And even though I took a week off to go home,
attend the funeral, and spend time with my family,
it took me quite a few months
before I felt some kind of normal.
Everything felt harder than before.
I was tired all the time,
and I was going to therapy twice a week
and still wanting to cry multiple times a day.
It was terrible,
and I'm not surprised that this is the top of the list.
When we lose someone close to us,
it can be hard to deal with all we feel
and keep doing what we need to do each day.
Grief takes time, and the weird thing
is it can kind of just come and go.
So if you're going through this,
just know that it's okay to be upset.
It's okay to let yourself feel it,
because it's healthier for us to talk about how we feel,
journal about it, or even talk to our therapist about it.
We just don't wanna stuff it in and hold on to it
because that will make us feel worse later on, trust me.
I wanted to share this list because like I said earlier,
I want you to know that it's okay to be having a hard time
and to feel like shit.
I would even add this pandemic to the list
because it has been a stressful past seven or eight months,
and most of our routines and lives
have been completely changed.
The best way we can manage these stressors
is to build up our resilience
and to use our coping skills as often as we can.
And I have videos about each of those things
that you can learn more and implement them today,
and I'll leave the links in the description down below.
If you felt that I left any items out
or you wanna add in your own thoughts
about these life events,
feel free to do that in the comments down below,
and I will see you next time, bye.
(gentle music)