*Clap*
Hey Pals, how are you doing?
You'll have to excuse the mess of me,
I'm really hot at the moment,
the windows are open, noises are gonna happen,
so, I just apologize in advance.
Hopefully it's not too distracting.
So a lot of the time when
you think about transitioning, you kind of think about dysphoria, discrimination,
prejudice, all these kind of negative things that come with coming out as trans,
and I wanted to kind of bring light to it a little bit,
and talk about
the times where I have felt pure joy, gender euphoria, and just happiness, all
around my transition.
Especially since it's pride I don't want to focus too
much on the negatives, and I just want to let you know if you're scared of coming
out, or if you're in the midst of it, or in the beginning, that there are some
things to look forward to, and some things to appreciate while you go
through the difficult times.
The first moment in my transition where I felt happiness or excitement, was the
time where I found people online that I could relate to.
I think the first trans person on YouTube I found who I really resonated
with, was Skylar Kergil - Kerjil?
I'm really bad at pronouncing names, so - them.
I just really liked the fact that he was really into plants, and being vegan, and ethical,
and, like, cared about the environment a lot, because I felt like that was me...
So
That was the first time where I saw someone who was trans, and I was like
"Oh my goodness, there's someone like me."
I spoke about this briefly in my chest dysphoria video, but,
the moment I got my
first binder and tried it on was so affirming.
I received a binder from Underworks,
and before that I had a really big chest that was really uncomfortable and
painful and horrible, and I could only really wear sports bras anyway because
regular bras didn't fit me, or I didn't go to my size and I was only like 16 at the time,
but I got my first binder and I tried it on and I spent the whole
evening picking out outfits from my wardrobe trying them on, and just like
smiling at myself because I felt so happy with my reflection for the first time.
Another really great moment for me was when I came out to my little brother.
I've spoken about him a little bit before.
It was the first time someone had given me
the response that I kind of wanted after coming out.
I came out to my brother when
he was about five and I was sixteen-ish - I want to say -
we were walking home from school,
and I think I just turned to him and was like "I want to be your brother
instead of your sister ,and I want to be called Leo. How do you feel about that?"
and he was just like "that's fine".
He was just so great with it and for a lot of
people they think that coming up to young people is really inappropriate
or that they won't understand, or that it's too much for their minds to handle,
but he was honestly the best person that I came out to, and the most understanding.
He was also the person that stood up for me most when other people misgendered me.
We were in a swimming pool just outside of our house and he had a friend over
who had called me my birth name or said I was his sister and he was like "Oh no,
that's my brother now."
It just made my heart so happy that my little brother
has had my back from the beginning.
I think there's been a couple of times in
the last seven years where he said he's missed having a sister,
and I get that.
We both lost my sister when we were young, especially in today's society when
everything is so gendered, and you have so many expectations of what a sister is
like and what a brother is like, or a mum or a dad,
or a son or a daughter.
It could be weird to readjust having a different gendered
sibling, but he's done so well and I'm honestly so proud of him, and I just
think we have a great relationship and he's just the best so,
that was a really
wonderful moment for me.
The first time I went clothes shopping after I came out was a really big deal
for me, I bought trousers from the men's section for the first time,
and just being able to wake up one day and put on everything from the men's section like
boxers, even socks, and trousers and a shirt it just made me feel so
comfortable and so good, even though the clothes might not have been the best
clothes it still meant everything that I could wear an entire outfit that was
just from the men's section.
Not long after that I got a haircut as a man, I
I introduced myself to the barber as male and he gave me a haircut that was the
most masculine haircut I'd had before, even though it was short.
That just felt
really great and I remember taking loads of selfies and being like "This is the
start of my new life." It was just a really nice feeling to have.
I think one of the biggest moments in my life that I felt really powerful to me,
was waking up from surgery.
I think there's a lot of pressure to be completely content with
your decision and have no fears whatsoever,
but I went in feeling quite
nervous and like I couldn't tell anyone that I was scared because then it would
be taken away from me,
but when I woke up I was in like a little room to come
around in, and I could hear my heartbeat on the monitor
and a nurse came up to me, like, rub my shoulder, and I just felt like amazing.
I was having a lot of dreams at the time of having, like, autopsies, and heart
surgery, and just anything that would leave scars on my chest, and I would wake
and I would wake up feeling really kind of down about my life,
because I was not who I was in my dream,
But this time it felt like I was going
to sleep and waking up as the person in my dream,
and I just felt so good and so
nice to finally have come out on the other side of something that I had
wanted for so long.
I still feel like waking up from surgery was one of the
best days of my life.
Another moment of euphoria was going into a new school and introducing myself
as Leo, as male, as someone who used he/him pronouns, and nobody
questioning it.
I felt like I didn't have to prove myself to anyone, everyone
just accepted that that's who I was, and there was no chance of hearing my old
name because it was just not on the register, it wasn't in anyone's heads.
I just felt so comfortable and content and although I was a little bit scared of,
you know, people having their questions or anything, everyone made me feel really
comfortable.
My teachers were really supportive, and it was just a really nice
moment.
A couple years later, I was applying for
a new passport because my old one was out of date,
and on my one-year on
testosterone anniversary, my new passport came in the mail.
I remember like opening
my passport seeing a new picture that I had taken by myself,
and I had a nice
haircut, it said "male", and my new name on the
passport, even though it was like a year or so after I came out,
it was just a
really nice thing to have especially on an anniversary that meant so much to me.
It's not a very cute picture now that I look at it, but at the time I was so
excited to have something that I could take as my ID when I go out and not have
to worry about people seeing my old name, or the "F" on the gender, and an old picture,
so it was just really meaningful to have that.
I think it was a couple of
years after that I went to go and work on a farm,
I kind of just gave up on
living in the city or the mainstream society and I went off-grid sort of,
lived with a family for a bit, and I was kind of just living my best life and
everyone knew me as male.
I started pushing myself out of my comfort zone a bit more
and I was questioning my sexuality a lot at the time I was keeping a journal and
really -
at the time I was really worried about being gay, I didn't know if that was
who I was or not,
but I came to the realization that I was definitely not
straight.
There was a weekend party going on
ended up singing "boys on the street" - I can't remember what his name is who sang it,
but it's about boys kissing boys on the street and it was a really, like,
pointful moment in my life where I was singing a song about myself being
attracted to boys and that meaning that I was gay, in front of a whole bunch of
people who had never heard me sing before and who had never questioned my
gender before,
so it was like the optimum gay moment,
and I just felt so proud of
myself, I'd never sang in front of anyone before,
and I was living my best life in
the wild and met some great people and was just so accepted by everyone there.
I
just really loved that moment.
Another massive thing for me was having facial
hair that I could actually trim and shave.
A lot of the time when my facial
hair grew out too long I'd shave it right like the skin, because I didn't
have an electric razor at the time I didn't really know how to keep it like
manicured - is that the right word? -
The first time I bought an electric razor so
that I could keep my facial hair and just trim it was amazing,
because that
way I didn't have to feel really dysphoric when I shaved it right down to
the skin, I felt like I looked really young.
It was just really nice to know
that I would never have to have that feeling of like needing to shave all my
hair off and feeling uncomfortable about it.
I knew that I could keep it and watch
it grow, and it's growing a lot at the moment and it's just a really exciting
thing.
I know some of these things were just little and maybe not so significant
to some people but they're probably the most pointful moments in my life
where I felt like I was exactly who I was supposed, to be when I was supposed
to be that person, and it's a really great feeling.
I know a lot of us talk
about the pain of being trans and the dysphoria and the discomfort and how
horrible it is to be rejected, and discriminated by,
and all those things
are really difficult to deal with and horrible, but there are silver linings
within it, and there are good moments, and moments where we can appreciate them
forever, and I really hope if you are trans and struggling at the moment I
hope you get moments like that where you feel really proud of yourself and really
good about who you are and I just hope that you can experience the happiness
that I experienced because it's a good feeling.
I want to thank Sol, Bex, Sasha, Jamie and Oliver on Patreon,
you know you so appreciate it by me. I can't thank you enough,
every video I
just want to thank you thank you thank you
and sing your praises,
but yeah I feel like it's never enough but thanks.
I hope
everyone's doing well, I hope you're having a great day, and a great week,
and a great month, and a great everything and I will speak to you soon.
Bye.