[Disclaimer read by Chi-Chi]
[Please keep these captions clean for those who need them. If you want the funny extras, select the English (Canada) option. Thank you!]
CHI-CHI: Gohan, where are you?!
GOHAN: Eh-huh? CHI-CHI: Gohan, where are you?!
You've been slacking on your maths!
GOHAN: Mo- *Mom*? What're *you* doing here?
PICCOLO: I-I'm sorry, Go-chan! She overpowered me!
GOHAN: Go-wha...?
CHI-CHI: If you fall behind on your vector calculus, how are you going to do your taxes?!
We don't have the money to PAY people for that!
GOHAN: Mom, I'm... trying to help save the world here...
CHI-CHI: What world is there if you have no idea how to prove or disprove the Riemann hypothesis??
GOHAN: The same one we live in now...? I guess?
CHI-CHI: If you wanted to squander your potential and disappoint everyone,
you should just become a POLITICIAN!
Now...
where is your father?
PICCOLO: Yeah, where is he?
PERFECT CELL: Yes...
CHI-CHI: Huh? PER. CELL: Where's Goku?
PER. CELL: Where's Goku?
CHI-CHI: Eh?
{THWACK}
GOHAN: Oh, thank God--
I mean, OH MY GOD!
{SNAK} PICCOLO: (Gurgle)
PER. CELL: My dear Gohan...
PICCOLO: URARGH--! {SQUELCH}
GOHAN: (Whimpering)
PER. CELL: there's something you should know...
GOHAN: (Whimpering) {CRUNCH}
PER. CELL (changing to Goku's voice): I... love... you... sonnnn...
GOHAN: WAAH--!!
[Dream ends] OH, MY GOD!! (Shrieking)
GOKU: Why ya trippin', Gohan?
GOHAN: A nightmare...
A *terrible* nightmare!
GOKU: Oh.
Was it the one where your Mom and Piccolo come in,
then Cell shows up and kills them,
then suddenly he has my face,
and it's all like, "Whaaaaa..."?
GOHAN: ...Yes!
GOKU: Aw, it's all good! I've been having that one for a week.
GOHAN: ...I think we've been in here too long.
GOKU: Eeeehhhh...
maybe just a little...
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
PICCOLO: So, a development.
Cell's gone.
BULMA: Wait, so... Trunks won?
TENSHINHAN: No, he split.
As in grabbed his metaphorical shit and flew off.
BULMA: After killing Trunks?!
PICCOLO: No.
BULMA: Vegeta?!
PICCOLO: Nobody's dead!
TENSHINHAN: ...Yet.
PICCOLO: I think he just got bored and... left.
BULMA: So...
we won then?
PICCOLO: No!
TENSHINHAN: Oh, my God...!
TRUNKS: (Screaming)
KRILLIN [off-screen]: Ah, jeez, he's taking it pretty rough...
VEGETA: It's pathetic. Find some honor in defeat, for God's sake.
KRILLIN: View must be great from that glass house of yours...
VEGETA: Hmm?!
KRILLIN: We should go check on him!
TRUNKS: I...
I'm sorry.
I did my best, but...
...he just *toyed with me*!
And I couldn't do anything.
And in the end...
I wasn't even important enough to *kill*.
VEGETA: Sucks, doesn't it--?!
I mean, sssucks to be you!
[To himself] Yeah, that was it...
KRILLIN: Again, guys. C'mon, it's just me.
Krillin: Everyone's Friend.
ANDROID 16: I would like more friends...
TRUNKS: Huh? KRILLIN: Huh?
16: I seem to have misplaced mine when Cell...
...oh.
TRUNKS: You've gotta be kidding me. I would never be friends with you!
16: I was not speaking to you.
I was speaking to the duck.
KRILLIN: Well, quack quack, big guy, any friend of Eighteen is a friend of mine.
Let's get you all patched up.
16: You are the pluckiest duck.
Together, we shall be the Bird and the "B".
The "B" stands for--
KRILLIN: ...Brobot!
16: ...*Yes*...
TRUNKS: ...What am I watching?
VEGETA: I don't know, but I hate it.
TRUNKS: Well, hopefully he doesn't try and screw *this* one.
VEGETA: Ha! No robo.
[Cheery classical tune]
[Humming]
[Cheery tune continues amidst sounds of devastation]
[Cell humming along]
PER. CELL: Aaah yes, the perfect place for my Cell G--
...Son of an emerald whore,
STARTING AGAIN!
PANCHY: Oh? Vegeta!
It's been so long! How was space?
VEGETA: Hello, MILF.
PANCHY: Oh Veggie, I'm a grandmother now!
Call me GILF.
VEGETA: Your culture is so confusing...
PANCHY: Oho! And *who* is this lavender-haired gentleman you brought with you?
TRUNKS: HA-HM...!
KRILLIN: Grandkid from the future. Leave the swingin' for the park.
PANCHY: Phooey...
KRILLIN: Now, where Bulma at? We got an Android in DESPERATE need of repair.
{BRING BRING}
DR. BRIEFS: Why come to the acorn when you have the mighty oak?!
I taught Bulma everything she knows!
Except the dangers of miscegenation, apparently.
KRILLIN: Heck, if you're volunteering to help, we won't say no.
DR. BRIEFS: Just try to keep the house-guests to a minimum.
We *just* got rid of Yajirobe, and we BARELY have enough food to accommodate anyone--
MASTER ROSHI [through speakers]: Whaddup bitches, where my GILF at?!
DR. BRIEFS: ...else.
Alrighty!
I'm going to hook your internal OS up to my system.
There may be some involuntary oil release,
that's natural.
Aaannd...
[♫ "Surfin Bird" ♫ (through speakers)]
Good God! How long has this been running?!
16: How long has *what* been running?
DR. BRIEFS: We're just going to close that for a moment--
{!! KILL SON GOKU !!}
{!! KILL SON GOKU KILL SON GOKU !!}
{!! KILL SON GOKU KILL SON GOKU KILL SON GOKU !!}
...Well, bird's the word! {!! KILL SON GOKU KILL SON GOKU KILL SON GOKU !!}
{!! KILL SON GOKU KILL SON GOKU KILL SON GOKU KILL SON///}
[♫ "Surfin Bird" ♫ (through speakers)]
TRUNKS: ...and then he just flew off.
Now we don't know where he is, or what he's planning.
KRILLIN: Well, plus side - you're alive.
TRUNKS [sarcastic]: Oh! Thanks for the consolation.
KRILLIN: Hey, don't knock it - sometimes you ain't so lucky.
MAS. ROSHI: Yeah...
YAMCHA: Ya-huh.
VEGETA: Mm-hm.
CHIAOTZU: Yepyepyep!
TRUNKS: Wait a second - have all five of you died?!
KRILLIN: Ohoho, yeah! Chiaotzu and I twice!
First round was basically just Piccolo's Dad being a dick.
CHIAOTZU: Yep, second time I blew myself up trying to kill Vegeta's dumbass friend...
Now he's out there making movies or some shit.
TRUNKS: Oh, wait - so how did Yamcha die?
YAMCHA: UH... um...
VEGETA: Oh-ho yes, go ahead! Tell us how you died!
I'll fact-check.
YAMCHA: On my feet!
Like a man!
VEGETA: Well, you're half right.
MAS. ROSHI: If you're finished picking on Yamcha,
VEGETA [o-s]: NEVER!
MAS. ROSHI: We've got bigger fish to fry.
Cell's out there, and we have no idea what insidious plot he's brewin'...!
PER. CELL: How did all these *squares* make a *circle*?! I just...
No, no,
No, no, it's fine,
No, no, it's fine, it's fine,
No, no, it's fine, it's fine, it doesn't bother me,
No, no, it's fine, it's fine, it doesn't bother me, it doesn't bother me,
No, no, it's fine, it's fine, it doesn't bother me, it doesn't bother me, it bothers me,
No, no, it's fine, it's fine, it doesn't bother me, it doesn't bother me, it bothers me, it bothers me a lot!
AND THAT ONE'S STILL GREEN!!
DR. BRIEFS: Thanks to the schematics Bulma brought me, I *should* be able to repair you.
However, after rooting around in your system for a bit, I've discovered that you're missing an extensive portion of data.
Unfortunately, Gero's server was destroyed with his lab, soooo...
16: That is fine.
I am my own android.
I will live my life accordingly - faults, and all.
DR. BRIEFS: I could always give you a sick Gatling gun...
16: Appreciated, but unnecessary.
What is that creature on your shoulder?
DR. BRIEFS: This? Oh, this is my pussycat.
16 [o-s]: May I touch your pussy?
SCRATCH: (Meow of uncertainty)
DR. BRIEFS: As long as you don't crush it.
16: Hello, pussycat.
It is licking me now.
Should I... lick the pussy?
CHI-CHI [o-s]: ABSOLUTELY NOT!
TRUNKS: But Chi-Chi,
if and when we have to fight Cell again, we're going to need Gohan.
CHI-CHI: What you *need*, is to get it through your heads.
I told Goku he could TRAIN with Gohan!
I never said *anything* about letting him FIGHT!
KRILLIN: You cannot keep him out of this; he's a fighter!
CHI-CHI: He's *ten*!
KRILLIN: And he's the *third* strongest fighter I know!
VEGETA: ...Who's the fourth?
KRILLIN [o-s]: Uuuuhhmm...
CHI-CHI: I'm a fighter too, ya know?
How do you think *I* landed the strongest man on the planet?
VEGETA: Arguably.
CHI-CHI: Do not make me come over there,
I will rip your world a-f***ing-sunder!
VEGETA [scared]: Hmmm!
CHI-CHI: Look, I might be books in and books out,
but that's because I want something *better* for my son, instead of surviving off prize money and welfare.
Now, I know that I can't stop him,
but if he fights and gets hurt, or God forbid, *dies*,
and any of you could've stopped it...
There's no dragon in this UNIVERSE that will save you from me.
VEGETA [mumbling]: Don't make me come over there...
PER. CELL: Finally!
It is complete!
* Perfectly square
* Perfectly square * A fine marble white
* Perfectly square * A fine marble white * And a full twenty-four by twenty--
...Let it go, Cell...
you have shit to do.
ACTOR 1 [on TV]: Hey man is... that the last Hetap?
ACTOR 2 [on TV]: Yeah, and it's allll mine!
{CLICK}
{BANG}
Ah! Aah! Oh God! Oh Jesus, whyyyyy...?!
{BANG}
"Hetap: C'mon, you've killed for less..."
VEGETA: 'That's not UNtrue...'
KRILLIN: Hey, so, not that I mind a good ol' veg sesh, but do we need EVERYONE for this?
TRUNKS: You guys can go ahead and take off. I'll stick around and watch for Cell.
It's been kind of neat to watch old TV shows.
I checked out the country music channel earlier!
Did you know that country is actually awful?
YAMCHA: Well then, if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna hit the gym.
Make sure I'm ready for if Cell comes back.
KRILLIN: Oh, can I join ya? We'll make a day out of it,
get some Fro-Yo after, it is my cheat day...
VEGETA [snarky]: Oh, that sounds like fun! Mind if I join?
Maybe we can see a movie too.
KRILLIN: Sure! That sounds awesome! I've been waiting for--
you're being sarcastic, aren't you?
VEGETA: Careful! It's learning.
YAMCHA: Ya know, if you're gonna skulk around, you could at least try to not be a total dick about it!
VEGETA: Oh you're right, allow me to try again.
*Ahem*
Hello, Earthling! How's that gaping chest wound?
YAMCHA: Just fine!
How's your *spine*?
VEGETA: ...I'm giving you a five minute headstart.
YAMCHA: Thank you! I'm going to need it; you're very fast.
BULMA: Where is he? I heard he's here! Where's my baby?!
PANCHY: You're holding him, darling!
BULMA: No; the *big* baby!
PANCHY: Well, Vegeta's right over there...
across from Trunks!
BULMA: Oh, thank God!
[Baby Trunks making baby noises in background] You okay, sweetie? I heard about everything.
Do you need a snack? Maybe a juice box?
TRUNKS: Mom, I'm eighteen.
BULMA: Oh, right... um...
...stiff drink?
TRUNKS: *Mom*, *still* eighteen.
AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR [on TV]: Work your body! Work your body! Make sure you don't hurt nobody!
[Program continues in background]
OOLONG: You know there's *actual* porn on the internet, right?
MAS. ROSHI: Pig, you gotta be able to appreciate the classics.
It's what separates the perverts from the connoisseurs...
AI [on TV]: ...one--
huh?
AAAAAAH!
MAS. ROSHI: AAAAAAH! OOLONG: AAAAAAH!
AI: Aaaaahhh!
You have great glutes!
KRILLIN: Roshi! Change the channel!
{BEEP} [Static]
CHIAOTZU [o-s]: Oh, wait! I love this movie! Leave it here.
KRILLIN [o-s]: Chiaotzu...
CHIAOTZU [o-s]: Fiine, whatever...
{BEEP} [Static]
NEWS REPORTER [on TV]: And as you can see, every dog has its--
AAAAAAAAAAH--!
(Choking noises)
PER. CELL: The following contains violence, coarse language and adult situations not suitable for minors.
Viewer discretion is advised.
{SNAK}
[Screaming (on TV)]
CHIAOTZU: Whoa-ho-ho-ho, BRUTAL!
PER. CELL: Ladies, Gentlemen, boys and girls, and that Technicolor rainbow in-between,
I... am Cell.
You may remember me from the following cities:
[Whimsical music]
Of course, if you lived in those cities, you won't remember, because you are now part of my biomass as I absorbed you.
But that's not what I'm here to talk about today.
Today...
I'm making an *announcement*!
KRILLIN: Please be leaving the planet forever,
KRILLIN: Please be leaving the planet forever, please be leaving the planet forever,
KRILLIN: Please be leaving the planet forever, please be leaving the planet forever, please be leaving the planet forever!
PER. CELL: I am leaving the planet forever.
KRILLIN: WOOHOO!!
PER. CELL: After I blow it up!
KRILLIN: OH NO!!
PER. CELL: Unless...
KRILLIN: (Wheezes)
PER. CELL: One of your planet's "champions" can best me in one-on-one combat!
BULMA: ...So Goku, then.
VEGETA [o-s]: Shut up!
PER. CELL: I am officially hosting a once-in-your-lifetime event!
A tournament so grand, it'll leave you breathless!
I hereby dub it:
THE CELL GAMES!
Be part of the conversation on Twitter at #cellgames.
YAMCHA: Aaannd he's already trending.
PER. CELL: For all of you familiar with your adorable little World Martial Arts Tournament,
I'll be borrowing the rules.
No brackets this time, however - yours truly will be your only opponent.
And much like Vegeta's mother,
I will accept all comers.
VEGETA: How dare...
KRILLIN [o-s]: ...Why'd you take off your shirt?
PER. CELL: The location of this marvelous event is 28KS.5.
If you don't know where that is, blame the cartographers.
The Games will start at noon, one week from today.
That should give you plenty of time to prepare!
Or for those not participating:
Time to connect with loved ones,
get your affairs in order,
or maybe just kill your boss!
Get a PURGE going!
Live a little!
Because in one week's time...
(Chuckle)
well, to give you an idea...
So, keep THAT in mind, and I'll see you next Sunday.
Also, feel free to pray to your god,
but, spoilers...
I won't be listening.
[Dramatic music]
{BEEP} [Static]
KRILLIN [o-s]: Roshi, what the hell--?!
MAS. ROSHI [o-s]: HE SAID ONE WEEK, I'M USIN' IT!!
[Outro]
["Someone is Calling" ringtone] 🎵ringringring, ringringaling🎵
🎵RINGRINGRING, RINGRINGALING🎵
🎵Get your--🎵
{BEEP}
???: Hello?
[Indistinct talking]
???: Oh yeah, I saw it.
I've already got my promo team on it.
We'll have you on a plane tomorrow.
You just do some push-ups,
sit-ups,
and pull plenty of buses.
NAPPA: ...Champ.
KAISERNEKO: Salutations!
I'm your kind director and editor, KaiserNeko.
Thank you SO much for being patient with this episode.
Expect the next one in a MUCH shorter timeframe.
In the mean time, check out our gaming channel over on TFS Gaming
with "Goku's Gonna Show You: We Happy Few".
And for more abridging magic,
wander on over to Something Witty's channel,
Where they grind and raid for the best comedic loop in Sword Art: Online Abridged.
Finally, check out our patreon, and thanks so much to all our current contributors.
Without you, none of this would be possible.
See you next episode!
{MLB}