>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW
BAND, EVERYBODY. (APPLAUSE)
LOUIS, WE GOT A VERY EXCITING GUEST TONIGHT.
I HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY INTERVIEWED THIS PERSON BUT HAVE
I ADMIRED THEIR WORK FOR MANY YEARS FROM "THE NEW YORK TIMES,"
MAGGIE HABERMAN IS HERE. A NEW BOOK ABOUT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT. AND JOINING US LATER IN THE SHOW
ONE OF MY COLLEAGUES TYLER TEMPLETON FROM TUNING OUT THE
NEWS ON COMEDY CENTRAL WILL BE JOINING US HERE LIVE VIA
SATELLITE FROM OUTSIDE MAR-A-LAGO.
THAT IS AN EXCLUSIVE. WE CALL THAT AN EXCLUSIVE IN THE
BUSINESS. NOW ARE YOU A HEALTHY PERSON,
AREN'T YOU. >> I TRY TO BE SCZ YEAH, WHAT DO
YOU DO TO STAY HEALTHY. >> YOU KNOW, DO I HIGH INTENSITY
INTERVAL TRAINING. >> Stephen: HIGH INTENSITY
INTERVAL TRAINING. >> IN THE OLD DAYS WE USED TO
WORK OUT IN THE DRESSING ROOM. >> Stephen: YOU USED TO WORK
OUT TOGETHER. >> OH YEAH.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU TOO YOUNG TO SAY OLD DAYS, BY THE WAY, MI
ONLY ASKING YOU BECAUSE EVI THE OTHER DAY SAID ARE YOU GOING TO
TAKE A STRESS TEST. >> REALLY.
>> Stephen: IS HE SHE MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR ME TO TAKE A
STRESS TEST AND I SAID WHAT SHE SAID SCWUTION GO DO T I SAW FOUR
DOCK TOAFER-- DOCTORS OVER THE COURSE OF ONE DAY, THEY SAID WHY
ARE YOU HERE, MY WIFE MADE AN A POWNTMENT THAT IS WHY I AM HERE.
I DID THE STRESS TEST, GOT ON THE TREADMILL WITH THE THING
STRAPPED TO YOU AND THE THING AND THE THING HERE AND THERE,
AND YOU RUN, TURNS OUT I'M IMMORTAL.
>> I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT. >> Stephen: I HAVE THIS THING,
THEY SCANNED ME. I CAN'T BE KILLED.
IF THIS SHOW WON'T KILL ME, NOTHING WILL.
I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO FIND A BLOCKAGE IN MY HEART THE
SIZE OF A GOLF BALL, HONEST TO GOD.
I GOT THE CAT SCAN, HUNDRED PERCENT CLEAR, NOTHING THIS
THERE. NO HEART.
S IS. >> OH.
>> Stephen: ANYWAY VERY EXCITED TO BE ALIVE.
I AM, I AM VERY EXCITED TO BE ALIVE, LIFE IS GOOD, MORE LIFE
IS BETTER, DON'T YOU THINK? >> AMEN, AMEN.
>> Stephen: YEAH. >> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND MOST
OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING THE DAY'S NEWS AND
SELECTING ONLY THE FINEST, MOST SUPPLE LINDEN WOOD, HAND-CARVING
IT INTO EPIC AND TOPICAL CHARACTERS, THEN PRESERVING THEM
IN BEESWAX, AND CONNECTING THE LIMBS TO A HORIZONTAL CONTROL TO
CREATE THE EXQUISITE TRADITIONAL CZECH "LOTE-KARSTVI" MARIONETTE
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES I FALL OUT OF THE
DUCT WORK IN A ROSS DRESS FOR LESS, TEAR THE BUTTONS OFF A
REMAINDERED PEA-COAT, AND GRAB A PILE OF PIPE CLEANERS
FROM THE CRAFTS DEPARTMENT AND SLAP IT ALL ON SOME DISCOUNT
PANTYHOSE TO CREATE THE UNHINGED TRANSIENT'S SOCK-PUPPET OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!
MEANWHILE, IT IS AN EMOTIONAL LIFE RAFTS.
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO THE LATEST DATA,
"NON-FUNGIBLE TOKEN TRADING VOLUME HAS SLID 97% SINCE THE
BEGINNING OF 2022," AND "NFT SALES HAVE LOST NEARLY ALL THEIR
ALLURE." HOLD ON.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT PURELY SPECULATIVE, NON-EXISTENT,
HALF-BAKED DIGITAL CARTOON MONKEYS THAT CAN BE COPIED BY
ANYONE AND WHICH ARE CONSTANTLY BEING
HACKED AND STOLEN... HAVE LOST THEIR ALLURE?
THANKFULLY MY FINANCIAL PORTFOLIO IS BALANCED WITH
BEANIE BABIES. (APPLAUSE)
MEANWHILE, THIS WEEK, "THE S.E.C. CHARGED KIM KARDASHIAN
FOR UNLAWFULLY TOUTING CRYPTO ON HER INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT."
KARDASHI-KIM DIDN'T PROPERLY MAKE IT CLEAR SHE WAS BEING PAID
TO ADVERTISE A SECURITY WHEN SHE POSTED "ARE YOU GUYS INTO
CRYPTO-- FOUR QUESTION MARKS?"
"MY FRIENDS JUST TOLD ME ABOUT THE ETHEREUM MAX TOKEN!"
THEN WAYYY DOWN AT THE BOTTOM... HASHTAG-AD.
IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY TO DISCLAIMER YOUR WAY OUT OF
WRONGDOING. "HONEY, I'M NOT CHEATING ON YOU.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN 100% FAITHFUL. HASHTAG-BONING-KAREN."
SO HERE'S THE DEAL, HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED.
SO KIM HAD TO PAY A $1.3 MILLION FINE, THEN HER LAWYER RELEASED
THIS STATEMENT: "THE AGREEMENT SHE REACHED WITH THE
SEC ALLOWS HER TO... MOVE FORWARD WITH HER MANY DIFFERENT
BUSINESS PURSUITS. FOR INSTANCE, ARE YOU GUYS INTO
GETTING THIN BY EATING CANDY???????
MY FRIENDS JUST TOLD ME ABOUT EPHEDRINE WEIGHT LOSS
TAFFY!!!!!!!!! #THISWILLKILLYOU."
MEANWHILE, THANKS TO THEIR SUPPOSED WATERPROOFING, ELON
MUSK CLAIMS CYBERTRUCKS CAN "SERVE BRIEFLY AS A BOAT."
HEY, GENIUS, YOU DRIVE IT INTO A LAKE FAST
ENOUGH, ANY CAR CAN SERVE BRIEFLY AS A BOAT.
THEN SLIGHTLY LONGER AS A SUBMARINE.
AND THEN ETERNALLY AS A COFFIN. MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW
STUDY, DOGS CAN SMELL WHEN WE'RE STRESSED OUT.
FOR THE RECORD, SO CAN CATS. THEY JUST DON'T CARE.
MEANWHILE, NEW YORK'S PUBLIC TRANSIT AUTHORITY, "THE M.T.A.
NOW HAS A SIGNATURE SANDWICH." GREAT NEWS FOR ANYONE WHO EVER
SMELLED HOT URINE AND DEAD RATS AND THOUGHT, "I AM 'STARVING."
THAT'SES SAND WITCH THOUGH, RIGHT, THAT LOOKS GOOD.
MEANWHILE, AS PART OF PUBLIC OUTREACH FOR ITS 75th
ANNIVERSARY, "THE CIA HAS LAUNCHED ITS FIRST PODCAST"
CALLED "THE LANGLEY FILES." COME ON, C.I.A! YOU SHOULD HAVE
GONE WITH "WAIT, WAIT, INTEL ME!"
MEANWHILE, McDONALD'S WILL SELL ADULT HAPPY MEALS THIS OCTOBER.
OF COURSE, AN ADULT HAPPY MEAL INCLUDES, A SMALL CHEESEBURGER,
A SMALL FRY, AND A MINIONS-THEMED BALL GAG.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MAGGIE HABERMAN.
(APPLAUSE)