- Really think about what you want
in the person you're going to spend your entire life with
and then decide to just make that familiar,
and decide to make all the crazies,
all the people that make you work for love, unfamiliar.
Because you know, love should not be worked for.
So I had a very interesting life of relationships,
mostly because I worked out later that my father was my
head teacher, or principal if you like.
And that's a very tough thing for a child
because you never feel significant,
you never feel important.
I was always very aware
that everyone else's children were way more important
to my father than me.
And you kind of learn what you live.
And as a therapist, I understood that we are wired
to go back and recreate what we know and change the ending,
which meant that I was kind of wired to find people
that weren't interested in me and make them put me first.
And there was a very interesting repertoire
of those type of people.
I particularly liked damaged people
because a damaged person who was so damaged made me think,
"Well, I can't be damaged.
"I mean, you're so damaged.
"If I stand next to you, you're so dark
"that it makes me look all light and perfect."
And that was my... the way I operated for quite some time.
Until one day, I just sort of had a wake-up call.
I remember one of my clients saying, "Gosh,
"you must have the most amazing relationships
"because you're so good at this."
I thought, "Oh, if you only knew."
And I realized that I had to do what I was telling
my clients to do, which is make what was familiar
unfamiliar, picking people.
And the crunch came when I was having lunch
with someone I'd been dating for a long time.
And he said, "I'm not going to allow you to eat that."
And I went, "When did you become a headmaster?"
And I thought, "Oh my God, he's my dad."
And that was it for me.
Everything changed because I really had an insight
into what I was doing.
I also realized that when I was little
I was allowed to live with my grandmother for about a year.
And for me, that was amazing.
I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.
I was so happy there.
But I always knew it would end.
So in my happiest moments I was aware, "This can't last.
"I have to go home.
"My father's a headmaster.
"He's never going to allow me to live with my grandmother
"forever," which is what I wanted.
And I saw how that also influenced me, and that I would go
into a relationship knowing how good it was and
it wouldn't last.
And when you have that belief, "It can't last,"
you actually start to bring about the ending early.
And so I was very destructive in relationships
until I made this decision,
"Okay, I just have to make this unfamiliar;
"it's a choice."
And I remember, very clearly, I was doing a television show
and I was in the green room afterwards,
and this very compelling man came up to talk to me,
and he kind of had "danger" written all over his head.
And I was like, "You know what? No,
"I'm not doing this anymore."
I just said, "I'm so sorry, I've got to do something."
And I just got my coat and went home.
And that was the beginning of me saying, "No, it's my choice.
"Let's make all the bad boys and the crazy boys unfamiliar.
"And let's go for someone nice."
I did have, of course, in that period, some amazingly
lovely boyfriends too. But because I didn't feel enough,
I set about very systematically rejecting them.
And it all becomes so exhausting and so pointless
and so much drama.
And it was such a relief to think,
"Okay, I'm just going to change."
And a year before I met my husband,
I'd actually... was doing lots of speaking events.
And I was at a hotel and they put me in the honeymoon suite
and it was amazing.
They were going, "Oh, that's so sad
"that you're in the honeymoon suite."
And I'm like, "No, I love being in here."
And then I went to Africa, and yet again
I was put in this truly incredible honeymoon suite,
with inside and outside showers and baths.
And everyone said, "Oh, it's so sad." And I thought, "No, you know what?
"I'm okay now.
"If this is me for the rest of my life
"and I never meet someone, I'm okay."
And when I got to that level of thinking,
"I'd rather be on my own than be with any of the crazies
"ever, ever, ever again,"
I came home, and I met my husband 10 days later.
And we got married 10 months later.
When I met him, it wasn't really symbols clashed
and the earth moved or the earth stood still,
it was much more subjective.
I looked at him and thought... You see, I knew him,
his children and my children went to the same school,
I'd known him for a long time.
I knew that he was a really good guy.
And I knew that he was very very smart and incredibly funny.
I'd gone to several parties at his house.
And I was actually subjective,
I remember thinking, "This is a good guy,
"and he is screamingly funny and he's really intelligent."
And I knew he had all the qualities that would make somebody
I could spend my whole life with.
I would never be bored with him.
And so I almost made a decision,
"This is what I need to make familiar."
And that happened very quickly.
We got married within 10 months
and we are happier than ever.
And the very qualities that I looked at him and thought,
"Yeah, it's not the wild, crazy sex where it's just,
"'Oh my God, this is so compelling
"'and this is the glue that keeps us together,
"'the sex is just out of this world,'" which it was,
it was just so much more than that.
It was looking at the qualities.
See, often we go, "Oh, I found this guy.
"I'm, like, a Catholic and he's a Muslim or he's Arabic
"or Indian or... and it's amazing." Then five years later,
think, "Oh my God, this is terrible.
"We don't agree on anything.
"We don't agree on religion or childcare
"or discipline." Because you just got into that
compelling sexual chemistry, which is compelling.
But I knew that for a relationship to work,
you have to have three things.
You have to have sexual chemistry,
you have to have best friend chemistry,
and you have to deeply deeply respect and admire
the other person.
I'll give you an example.
I was on holiday with a guy that I was seeing
and we had great sexual chemistry.
And I went into a shop to buy my daughter a gift,
and I said, "Oh, why don't you buy one for your daughter?"
He said, "I only buy her stuff at Christmas and New Year.
"I don't buy her gifts."
And I thought, "That's a horrible thing.
"He was so wealthy. Why wouldn't you buy your daughter
"a little bikini or a little scarf or little hat?"
But he went, "No, no. I don't do that."
I'm thinking, "You're not a nice person.
"I'm with a 'not a nice person'
"just because it's all a bit steamy."
So I promptly stopped seeing him.
So, you know, you kind of learn
by experience, "Oh, I don't even like this person very much.
"We don't really get on.
"We don't have the same interests in common."
If you want to spend your whole life with someone,
you have to get on with them.
So I married John, and in the first year of our marriage,
I remember taking him to a doctor.
He said, "Have you got a car?" I said, "Yes."
He went, "He's going to have a stroke in an hour
"if you don't rush him to hospital."
I thought, "Oh my God I'm going to be a widow,
"I haven't even been married for a year."
But we got over that.
And then five years into our marriage, I got cancer.
And that was when having a funny husband really helped,
because I had to have an injection in the stomach every day.
And it was... it was actually horrible,
and I'm not a person that does negative thinking.
But my husband would get into character.
He'd be an Irish farmer,
a German scientist, an East End gangster.
And every day, he would make me laugh so much that...
And that was very important.
He was absolutely my rock.
And I realized then, how the right decision I made
to pick someone that is funny, and intelligent
because we can always talk about everything.
But also immensely, immensely kind.
He's very kind.
You know, last year, my little cat was only a kitten
and these two dogs had her in their jaws.
And they're really my cats, not his.
And he very bravely got his hand in their mouth,
got my cat out.
She ran away, climbed under the building, under a crawl space,
it was filthy and dark. Got her out, took her to the vet,
paid the $4,000 vet bill.
And I remember thinking then, "Yeah. You know,
"kindness is so important.
"It's so overlooked."
So our marriage really works
because we have all the ingredients.
Fun, humor, laughter, kindness, intelligence.
But also, I really respect and admire him.
And so if you want to have a happy marriage,
you must have best friend chemistry.
We don't go to the nail bar together,
he doesn't come shopping,
he doesn't watch chick flicks with me.
He goes... In fact, I took him once to watch Bridesmaids.
And the funniest thing is I spent the whole film
looking at his face because that was funnier than the film.
He was like, "This isn't funny, I don't get it,"
which was very funny.
So we certainly have best friend chemistry,
but I still do things with my friends
that I wouldn't bore him with.
We have sexual chemistry.
And I deeply respect and admire him,
and he respects and admires me.
And he puts me first, which is so important.
He's probably the only person...
Well, no, actually that's not true.
He puts me first all the time above everything.
And that was very unfamiliar to me
throughout my whole childhood, nobody ever put me first.
My father and mother never put me first.
But what's so cool is that because your mind likes
what is familiar, that now is so familiar
that I can't actually even imagine a time
when that wasn't the case.
And so that's a great thing.
So we're very happy.
We're happily married.
And the other thing that makes a marriage amazing
is when I went into the marriage, and him too,
we both decided we would never go, "If you do that, I'm off.
"If you do that one more time, I'm going to leave you.
"I'll leave you if..."
I never, ever, ever threaten to leave him.
He never, ever, ever threatens to leave me.
We're in it forever, we're committed to that.
And there are times occasionally when he irritates me.
I've never known anyone who can have one teabag
and manage to get tea stains on every single surface
in the kitchen. It's like, "How do you do that?
"I don't understand how you could chop up a lettuce
"and it's everywhere.
"It's on the floor, it's in the sink."
But then I have to stop and think,
"But what would my life be without him?"
And it's always a very good thing when your partner
is pushing your buttons, to stop and think,
"What would I be without him?
"How would it be?"
And it would be horrible.
So that's always a good thing to do
when they're actually not making you think,
"Oh, you're wonderful." You think, "Oh, right now,
"I could quite cheerfully run away."
I also think the great thing about our marriage is
we very rarely feel that at the same time.
So I'm very happily married.
I came to it.
I did everything the wrong way around.
I had a baby on my own.
Well, I had a baby with somebody
but I ended up being on my own.
I think my daughter was 19 when I got married,
and now I have a wonderful family.
I have a husband, I have my daughter, I have stepchildren.
We have great friends.
I have his extended family.
He always calls my sister his sister.
They love each other very much.
But you know, I did that late, but it doesn't matter.
It's never too late. But you don't have to do it that late.
You can do it early.
So when you find someone really look at their qualities.
Look at, "Could I spend my life with this person?
"Have they got the qualities I require?"
Really think about what you want
in the person you're going to spend your entire life with,
and then decide to just make that familiar.
And decide to make all the crazies,
all the people that make you work for love, unfamiliar.
Because you know, love should not be worked for.
Love should not be run after or chased.
It shouldn't be earned.
It shouldn't be bought or paid for.
It's like, "Oh, I'll buy you stuff to make you love me.
"I'll buy myself stuff and spend a fortune
"on a wardrobe and procedures to make you love me."
Love is where you go to give and receive.
And it shouldn't have to be... People say,
"Oh, it's hard work being married."
I've never found marriage hard work.
I found it a walk in the park.
It should be easy.
Pick the right person with the right values,
decide to make it work.
Make sure you have sexual chemistry, best friend chemistry,
and make sure you really respect and admire that person.
Because that is... those things will make
your marriage go.
Because you can't go, "Yeah, well, we're great in the bedroom,
"but after that it's all terrible."
Or, "Well, we're great friends but we never have sex."
None of those are interchangeable, you must have all three.
Best friend chemistry, sexual chemistry,
and you must respect and admire that person.
And finally, remember, you're not looking
for your other half because you're not a half.
When people say, "I need my person to complete me.
"I'm only half a person; I need my other half."
You have to be complete without that person.
You have to be, "Okay,
"I'm all right.
"My life is good."
I remember somebody called me once, said,
"My husband's left and I want to kill myself."
I said, "You've got three kids."
She goes, "I know, but I'm nothing without him."
I said, "But that's not true.
"You're everything without him.
"And you've got those wonderful children.
"You've got a life."
You have to get to that place of, "I'm all right."
But the biggest thing is you have to believe
that you are worth being with.
You have to decide, "Hey, I'm warm, I'm kind,
"I'm lovable.
"I am absolutely worth being with to such an extent
"I'd be on my own rather than be with the wrong person."
Because the biggest problem is, "I'm going to stay
"with someone who isn't even right for me
"because I'm scared of being alone."
It's not scary to be alone.
If you decide every day to say, "I'm lovable, I'm lovable,
"I'm lovable," you will find love.
The only thing you need to find love,
the only thing you need to change, are your thoughts.
Nothing else.
When you decide and commit to saying, "I am lovable.
"I accept myself as lovable.
"I believe in myself and see myself as lovable,"
you'll find other people that love you.
When you say, "Well, I need to go on a diet, have liposuction,
"get something cut off, snipped off, injected in.
"I need to have better clothes,
"get my hair done,
"pretend I've got more money than I've got.
"I need to big up myself to find love,"
then you're doing that thing that, "I'm not lovable.
"I'll just wait until I've lost a bit of weight,
"just wait till this baby's gone to school,
"just wait until I've got a nicer place and a nicer car."
The only thing you need to find love is one thing,
an absolute belief that you're worth it and deserving of it.
And of course, you are.
My lovely gran used to say, "Every pan has a lid."
I went to a wedding of my cousin who was very fat
and she married a man who was so skinny
and my gran said, "Well, he's her lid."
And I liked that.
So John is my lid, and I'm his lid.
And you need to understand every pan has a lid.
It might not be someone else's lid, but it's your lid.
And marriage is not hard work, it's a walk in the park.
And you don't have to be married, being with someone.
If you have the right values and always remember
they've got to be your friend
and you must respect and admire them.
That will go occasionally, when they forget
to flush the toilet, leave their underpants on the floor,
leave a trail of peanut butter.
The other day I went to take milk out of the fridge
and my husband never puts the lid on anything
and it went all over my shirt.
I'm like, "Could you just, please, put the lid on stuff?"
I go to pick up a jar of peanut butter
and it crashes to the floor because he might put the lid on,
he doesn't close it.
But now, I've just learned that I have to check the lid.
Sometimes we have rules, you know,
"You must put everything away.
"You must do this.
"You must do that."
But then, my rules aren't his rules.
And sometimes you just have to let stuff go.
But you can be very happy.
It really is a choice.
It's a choice to be happy.
My husband is a very messy cook, but he loves cooking.
I don't love cooking.
And so I think, "Well, I could give him some grief."
It's easy just to pick that stuff up
because he mostly shops and cooks because he loves it.