- SO I DID SOMETHING INTERESTING THE OTHER DAY.
I GUESS YOU'D CALL IT INTERESTING.
IT'S WEIRD, BUT IT'S INTERESTING.
I HOPE IT'S INTERESTING.
'CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO SHARE IT WITH YOU
AND AMERICA AND MANY PARTS OF THE WORLD--
HELLO, PARTS OF THE WORLD
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
SO A FEW DAYS-- BY THE WAY, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS WEIRD.
I'M JUST SHARING 'CAUSE SOMEONE ELSE DID.
A FEW DAYS AGO, I GOT HOME FROM WORK,
FROM A LONG, LONG DAY OF ENTERTAINING AMERICA,
AND MANY PARTS OF THE WORLD.
HELLO.
AND-- [laughter]
SO I SIT DOWN ON THE SOFA.
IT'S MY RITUAL.
I COME HOME, I SIT ON THE SOFA, AND I'M GONNA WATCH TV,
AND I REALIZED MY CAT CHARLIE, MY FAVORITE CAT, CHARLIE--
WE HAVE THREE, BUT MY FAVORITE CAT IS CHARLIE,
AND THE OTHER TWO KNOW IT.
AND-- [laughter]
CHARLIE WASN'T WITH ME.
USUALLY, WHEN I GET HOME, CHARLIE KNOWS I'M HOME
AND THE OTHER TWO CATS REALLY DON'T CARE.
THEY'RE VERY INDEPENDENT.
ONE SPENT THE SUMMER BACKPACKING THROUGH EUROPE.
[laughter]
HOW BRAVE OF A CAT.
SO ANYWAY, CHARLIE, WHO LOVES ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE HER,
DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS HOME.
AND I KNEW THAT SHE'D BE UPSET OR ELSE, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT-- SHE LIKES TO KNOW WHEN I'M HOME.
SO I ASSUMED SHE WAS IN OUR MASTER BATHROOM
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THEY HANG OUT.
THEY'RE IN LOVE WITH THE LOOFA.
THEY JUST PLAY WITH THE LOOFA ALL THE TIME.
SO I WANTED CHARLIE TO KNOW THAT I WAS HOME,
AND I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE CRAZY CAT LADIES.
I JUST LIKE TO KNOW THAT, YOU KNOW,
SHE WANTS TO BE WITH ME
AND WE CAN HAVE DINNER TOGETHER AND WATCH "HOARDERS."
SO I COULD HAVE WALKED BACK TO THE BATHROOM,
AND I COULD HAVE JUST YELLED OUT FOR HER,
BUT WE HAVE AN INTERCOM WHERE I CAN JUST PUSH A BUTTON
AND TALK TO SOMEONE FROM ANOTHER ROOM.
SO I SAID, "WELL, I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE, BUT WHY NOT?"
SO WITH THE INTER-- WE'RE LIKE THE JETSONS.
WE ARE.
WE DON'T HAVE A ROBOT MAID OR ANYTHING...
YET.
SO ANYWAY, I HIT THE INTERCOM BUTTON,
AND I WENT, "CHARLIE. CHARLIE, I'M HOME.
CHAR-LIE!"
'CAUSE I DO THAT.
AND THEN I HUNG UP,
AND I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING OF IT.
AND I LOOKED OVER, AND PORTIA WAS JUST STARING AT ME.
AND SHE SAID, "DID YOU JUST INTERCOM THE CAT?"
AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, YEAH.
I MEAN, IT'S THE SAME THING AS CALLING OUT.
IT WAS AN INTERCOM.
I'M TIRED, AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE WALKING BACK THERE."
OR I COULD HAVE GOTTEN UP.
I COULD HAVE WALKED OUT AND JUST GOTTEN ON THE SEGWAY AND--
[laughter]
TAKEN THAT TO THE ESCALATOR
AND THEN PAST THE CHAMPAGNE FOUNTAIN
AND GOTTEN MY RETINA SCANNED AND GONE BACK, BUT--
[laughter]
BUT ANYWAY, NO, I COULD HAVE WALKED DOWN THERE,
BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO.
AND I THOUGHT, WELL, I'M LAZY.
THAT'S CRAZY HOW LAZY I AM.
USUALLY I'M NOT THAT LAZY.
I MEAN, SOMETIMES I'LL TRY TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF
WITHOUT TAKING MY SHOES OFF FIRST,
BUT WHO DOESN'T DO THAT?
[laughter]
ANYWAY, I REALIZED THAT TECHNOLOGY IS MAKING US LAZY.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THERE ARE CARS THAT PARK THEMSELVES.
AND NOW I DON'T EVEN NEED TO SQUEEZE MY LIME INTO MY BEER,
'CAUSE THE GENIUSES AT BUD LIGHT HAVE DONE THAT FOR ME.
AND I GUESS IF I REALLY, REALLY WANTED TO,
I COULD FIND A MACHINE TO DANCE FOR ME,
BUT THAT WOULDN'T BE FUN AT ALL.
LET'S DANCE.