WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, HITHER AND YON, TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M EXCITED TO BE BACK BECAUSE
TONIGHT I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT, AFTER A 17-DAY SHUTDOWN, I
AM REOPENING "THE LATE SHOW."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
I HELD MY GROUND.
BECAUSE I KEPT MY PROMISE AND BUILT A WALL... OF MASHED
POTATOES AROUND MY MIDSECTION.
OVER THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN,
HOWEVER, IS STILL GOING STRONG.
DAY 17.
REMEMBER, RIGHT BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS, THE SENATE PASSED A
BILL TO KEEP THE GOVERNMENT OPEN.
AND EVEN THOUGH IT DIDN'T FUND HIS BORDER WALL, THE PRESIDENT
SAID HE WOULD SIGN IT... UNTIL HE SAW THIS STUFF.
>> YOU TOLD US THAT YOU WEREN'T AFRAID TO SHUT DOWN THE
GOVERNMENT.
THAT'S WHY WE LIKE YOU.
WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU JUST GAVE IN RIGHT AWAY?
>> TRUMP GETS NOTHING AND THE DEMOCRATS GET EVERYTHING.
>> THIS WAS A CAVE.
THIS WAS A BLINK.
>> DON'T MAKE THREATS THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FOLLOW
THROUGH ON.
>> STEPHEN: SO, TRUMP SHUT DOWN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, CITING
FEDERALIST PAPER 58, AND I'M PARAPHRASING, "BAWK, BAWK, BAWK,
BAWK."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THE DEMOCRATS JUST WON A BLOWOUT
IN THE MIDTERMS, PROMISING NOT TO FUND TRUMP'S $5 BILLION WALL,
SO THEY SAID NO.
NO $5 BILLION FOR YOU.
IN RESPONSE, TRUMP SAID NOW HE WANTS $5.7 BILLION.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"CAN I BORROW $10?
"NO!" "ALL RIGHT... THEN GIVE ME $15.
LAST OFFER."
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP DEFENDED THE SHUTDOWN,
SAYING EVERYONE HAS KNOWN FOR A LONG TIME THAT WE NEEDED A WALL.
>> THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE BY ALL OF THE PRESIDENTS THAT
PRECEDED ME.
AND THEY ALL KNOW IT.
SOME OF THEM HAVE TOLD ME THAT WE SHOULD HAVE DONE IT.
>> STEPHEN: NO, THEY HAVEN'T.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE WE CHECKED.
OF THE FOUR LIVING PRESIDENTS, OBAMA, GEORGE W. BUSH, AND
CLINTON ALL DENIED IT.
EVEN JIMMY CARTER SAID, "I HAVE NOT DISCUSSED THE BORDER WALL
WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP AND DO NOT SUPPORT HIM ON THE ISSUE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO EVEN CARTER DOESN'T WANT A
WALL AND JIMMY CARTER BUILDS WALLS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP IS CONVINCED THAT
DEMOCRATS ARE PRO-WALL.
>> PRESIDENT OBAMA RECENTLY BUILT A WALL AROUND HIS
COMPOUND.
THERE'S A REASON FOR IT.
AND I DON'T BLAME HIM.
>> STEPHEN: I DON'T BLAME HIM EITHER.
AND I DON'T HAVE TO, BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH WALL.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"OKAY, THERE MAY NOT BE WALLS AROUND OBAMA'S HOUSE, BUT HIS
HOUSE DOES HAVE WALLS.
( LAUGHTER ) IF OBAMA WERE NOT SUCH A
HYPOCRITE, HE'D BE LIVING IN A GAZEBO!"
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP REACHED BACK INTO HISTORY
-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SOUNDS LIKE A SLUR.
COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A SLUR.
TRUMP REACHED BACK INTO HISTORY TO PROVE WHY WALLS WORK,
TWEETING, "THROUGHOUT THE AGES SOME THINGS NEVER GET BETTER AND
NEVER CHANGE."
(AS TRUMP) "LOOK AT ME FOR INSTANCE.
I'M HORRIBLE, AND I'M ONLY GETTING WORSE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
HE WENT ON, "YOU HAVE WALLS AND YOU HAVE WHEELS.
IT WAS ALWAYS THAT WAY AND IT WILL ALWAYS BE THAT WAY!"
(AS TRUMP) "THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS
PROGRESS.
WE'VE ALWAYS HAD WALLS.
WE'VE ALWAYS HAD WHEELS, PLOWSHARES OF BRONZE AND BONE.
IN SUMMATION, FIRE GOOD."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FIRE!
TRUMP DOUBLED DOWN ON HIS ANALOGY.
>> I SAID, OVER THE WEEKEND, TO A NUMBER OF PEOPLE THAT, YOU
KNOW, THE WHEEL, THE WALL-- THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT NEVER
GET OLD.
IT'S NEVER GOING TO CHANGE.
>> STEPHEN: BUT IT HAS CHANGED!
TECHNOLOGY HAS ADVANCED BEYOND THE WHEEL.
HOW DO YOU THINK WE GOT TO THE MOON?
IT WASN'T IN A '69 EL CAMINO.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A SWEET RIDE, THOUGH.
IT'S A SWEET RIDE.
LITTLE ASTROTURF IN THE BACK.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IT'S POSSIBLE THAT HE'S
BRINGING UP WALLS AND WHEELS BECAUSE HE WANTS TO COMBINE THE
TWO.
THAT WOULD BE EXCITING.
A SHORT MOBILE WALL THAT CAN SLIDE BACK AND FORTH TO REPEL
IMMIGRANTS WHERE IT'S NEEDED.
I THINK WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF A PROTOTYPE.
THERE'S THE REFUGEE, AND THE WALL REJECTS HIM!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, IT WORKS!
THAT'S A PROOF OF CONCEPT.
FUND IT!
AFTER THE VICE PRESIDENT MET TO NEGOTIATE WITH DEMOCRATS, TRUMP
ASSURED US THAT WHEN HE DOES BUILD HIS 2000 MILE,
IMPENETRABLE SUPER-BARRIER, YOU'LL HARDLY EVEN NOTICE IT.
"MIKE PENCE AND GROUP HAD A PRODUCTIVE MEETING WITH THE
SCHUMER/PELOSI REPRESENTATIVES TODAY.
MANY DETAILS OF BORDER SECURITY WERE DISCUSSED.
WE ARE NOW PLANNING A STEEL BARRIER RATHER THAN CONCRETE.
IT IS BOTH STRONGER AND LESS OBTRUSIVE."
OH, THANK GOODNESS.
THE LAST THING YOU'D WANT IN A BORDER WALL IS SOMETHING
OBTRUSIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT, "THE
INCONSPICUOUS WALL OF CHINA."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT THE DEMOCRATS APPARENTLY WERE NOT SWAYED BUT TRUMP'S
"LOGIC," SO, OVER THE WEEKEND, HE SIMPLY TWEETED HIS GIANT
FLOATING HEAD WITH "THE WALL IS COMING!"
FORGET THE WALL.
JUST PUT THAT ON THE BORDER.
PEOPLE WILL RUN.
"TURN BACK, AMIGO, THERE'S A BLOATED SKINBAG ON THE HORIZON."
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
AND LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT CATCHPHRASE --
"THE WALL IS COMING" IN "GAME OF THRONES" FONT.
I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY TRUMP LOVES THAT "GAME OF THRONES" WALL.
BECAUSE THE ONLY WALKERS WHO GOT THROUGH WERE WHITE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
( APPLAUSE ) NOT SURE WHERE THAT WAS GOING.
NOT SURE WHAT THAT REACTION WAS.
PRO-WHITE WALKERS IN HERE NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, YOU CAN'T SAY "THE WALL IS
COMING."
THAT'S MIXING UP TWO DIFFERENT THINGS FROM THE SERIES -- THE
WALL, AND "WINTER IS COMING."
IT'S LIKE QUOTING THE GODFATHER BY SAYING, "I'M GOING TO MAKE
HIM AN OFFER HE CAN'T CANNOLI."
( LAUGHTER ) AND, NOW, WE'RE FINDING THAT THE
WALL WASN'T EVEN TRUMP'S IDEA.
TURNS OUT, DURING THE CAMPAIGN, IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET TRUMP TO
REMEMBER TO TALK ABOUT IMMIGRATION, HIS STAFF CAME UP
WITH THE WALL AS "A MEMORY TRICK FOR AN UNDISCIPLINED CANDIDATE."
YOUR MEMORY TRICK IS JUST...
"WALL?" ( LAUGHTER )
IT DOESN'T EVEN RHYME!
THEY COULD HAVE SAID, "KEEP 'EM OUT WITH LOTS OF GROUT!"
OR "BORDER CONTROL?
DIG A HOLE!" (AS TRUMP)
"WE'RE GONNA DIG A HOLE, A BIG BEAUTIFUL HOLE.
WHEN THEY THINK OF ME, THEY'LL THINK OF A HOLE.
I PROMISE YOU, I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW,
I'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS "PRESIDENT A HOLE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THAT'S CALLED SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR YOUR OWN JOKE.
THAT'S A SELF-SETUP IS WHAT THAT IS.
TOTALLY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU, JOSEPH.
GOOD TO BE BACK.
SO FAR, THE DEMOCRATS HAVE NOT COME CLOSE TO BENDING, BUT, AS
USUAL, TRUMP'S NOT TAKING NO FOR AN ANSWER, AS HE RECENTLY TOLD
ABC NEWS' TERRY MORAN.
>> HAVE YOU CONSIDERED USING EMERGENCY POWERS TO GRANT
YOURSELF AUTHORITIES TO BUILD THIS WALL WITHOUT CONGRESSIONAL
APPROVAL?
AND SECOND, ON MEXICO-- >> I HAVE.
>> YOU HAVE?
>> YES, I HAVE.
AND I CAN DO IT IF I WANT.
>> STEPHEN: TERRY MORAN-- STOP GIVING HIM IDEAS!
( LAUGHTER ) "MR. PRESIDENT, HAVE YOU
CONSIDERED EXECUTING ALL THOSE THAT OPPOSE YOU AND THEN PUTTING
THEIR HEADS ON THE SPIKES OF THE WHITE HOUSE FENCE AS A WARNING
TO YOUR VASSAL LORDS?" "OH, YOU HAVE?
OKAY, GOOD."
( PIANO RIFF ) TRUMP'S CLEARLY THINKING ABOUT
IT BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON HE TWEETED, "I AM PLEASED TO INFORM
YOU THAT I WILL ADDRESS THE NATION ON THE HUMANITARIAN AND
NATIONAL SECURITY CRISIS ON OUR SOUTHERN BORDER.
TUESDAY NIGHT AT 9:00 P.M.
EASTERN."
OKAY.
TUESDAY NIGHT, 9:00 P.M., THAT'S PRIME TIME.
OKAY.
SO PEOPLE TUNING IN TO SEE "BLACKISH" WILL HAVE TO WATCH A
"RAYSH-ISHT."