WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO THE URGENT BREAKING NEWS EVERYONE'S TALKING
ABOUT TODAY: QUEEN ELIZABETH DIED SIX DAYS AGO.
PEOPLE, AND MUCH OF THE WORLD SHE MEANT A LOT TO A LOT OF IS
STILL GRIEVING. TODAY, THE QUEEN'S CASKET
ARRIVED AT WESTMINSTER WHERE SHE WILL LIE IN STATE UNTIL NEXT
MONDAY, AND PEOPLE ARE ALREADY LINING UP FOR KILOMETERS TO GIVE
THAT'S WHY IT'S ALWAYS WORTH THEIR RESPECTS. IT
TO SPRING FOR THE "FAST PASS."
SPACE MOUNTAIN-- YOU HIT UP TRUST ME-- YOU CAN HIT UP SPACE
MOUNTAIN WHILE YOU WAIT TO PAY YOUR TRIBUTE.
ELIZABETH II WAS THE LONGEST REIGNING MONARCH IN BRITISH
HISTORY, PROVIDING COMFORT TO BRITONS FOR OVER 70 YEARS.
SHE HELPED THE COUNTRY WEATHER SEVERAL FINANCIAL CRISES,
JOINING AND LEAVING THE EUROPEAN UNION, AND OF COURSE,
ED SHEERAN'S REIGN OF TERROR. HAUGH( LAUGHTER )
MUCH OF THE U.K. IS IN
AND STATESIDE, WE'RE HANDLING THINGS IN OUR OWN WAY:
COVERAGE ALL MORNING LONG ON >> WE WILL HAVE COMPLETE THE
"TODAY SHOW," AND WE'LL BE LOOKING FOR YOU THEN.
BUT, MARIA, TONIGHT IT'S ALL ABOUT THE N.F.L. KICKOFF ON OUR
PLAZA. CHECK THIS OUT!
>> Stephen: VROOM! >> Louis: RIGHT, RIGHT?
( APPLAUSE )
N.F.L. IS A LOT LIKE THE MONARCHY: THEY BOTH TAKE
FOREVER, THEY BOTH HAVE A LOT OF WEIRD RULES, AND THERE'S A
SURPRISING AMOUNT OF TACKY JEWELRY.
( LAUGHTER )
WHEN A MONARCH DIES, THERE'S A TON OF OFFICIAL PROTOCOL.
LIKE HOW THE ROYAL BEEKEEPER SOME OF IT'S PRETTY WEIRD, HAD TO
INFORM THE QUEEN'S BEES THAT THE QUEEN HAD DIED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
WITH KNIFE CRIME?
BEES, LORD WIGGIBOTTOM SHALL SEND A RAVEN TO THE LOCH NESS
MONSTER, AND I SHALL EMAIL DUMBLEDORE!"
( LAUGHTER )
PLUS, NOW THAT BRITAIN IS RULED BY KING CHARLES III, THEY'LL
HAVE TO REPLACE HER FACE ON THEIR STAMPS AND ON THEIR CASH.
SO, FOR OUR U.K. VIEWERS, SORRY TO SAY, ALL OF YOUR MONEY WITH
QUEEN ELIZABETH'S FACE ON IT IS NOW WORTHLESS.
OKAY, IT'S GONE. BUT I GOT YOUR BACK.
JUST SEND ME TWO OF YOUR OLD, WORTHLESS LIZZIE BILLS, AND I'LL
SEND YOU BACK A SHINY CHUCK BUCK.
( LAUGHTER )
NEW. NOTHING LIKE A NEW BILL.
CONSUMER BRANDS WILL ALSO HAVE TO UPDATE THEIR LABELS.
DURING HER REIGN, QUEEN ELIZABETH GAVE MANY PRODUCTS A
"WARRANT" TO DISPLAY THE ROYAL COAT OF ARMS, AS AN ENDORSEMENT
FOR INSTANCE, HEINZ KETCHUP OF QUALITY. AND
BUT NOW, AFTER HER PASSING, GORDON'S GIN. THEY
MAY HAVE TO REAPPLY. SAME THING HAPPENS HERE IN
AMERICA. THAT'S WHY EVERY FOUR TO EIGHT
YEARS, WE GET ALL NEW PRODUCTS FROM "PRESIDENT'S CHOICE."
THE NEW KING AND QUEEN AR
OFF-BRAND SELTZER. OFF-BRAND SELTZER.
THE NEW KING AND QUEEN ARE ALREADY HARD AT WORK, SITTING ON
WHAT I BELIEVE ARE THE OFFICIAL THRONES OF GREAT BRITAIN.
EITHER THAT, OR THEY'RE THE NEW JUDGES ON "THE VOICE."
( LAUGHTER )
"JACKSON, I THOUGHT YOU DID A WONDERFUL JOB SINGING NIKI
MINAJ'S 'SUPER FREAKY GIRL.' WE ARE AMUSED.
HE'S MINE, BLAKE SHELTON! YOU CAN SUCK IT!
FOOTMEN? SWIVEL ME!"
( LAUGHTER )
TOO FAR!"
HE'S IMMEDIATELY TAKING OVER FOR FREE. HIS
LATE MOTHER'S FINANCIAL PORTFOLIO, WHICH IS WORTH
BILLIONS. AND WHILE BRITISH CITIZENS
NORMALLY PAY AROUND 40% INHERITANCE TAX, KING CHARLES
GETS HIS INHERITANCE TAX FREE. HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE
( BOOING ) EXACTLY!
IMAGINE HOW THE ENGLISH FEEL! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE ULTIMATE
PUBLIC SERVANT, AND HE DOESN'T PAY TAXES?
THAT IS GONNA COST HIM SOME VOTES.
WHAT? YOU'RE KIDDING.
THAT'S INSANE!
YESTERDAY, HE WENT VIRAL WHEN ROYAL ROPES. HE
HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE SIGNING A GUEST BOOK AT A CEREMONY IN
NORTHERN IRELAND. >> I JUST HAVE TO PUT-- IS IT
SEPTEMBER THE 12th? >> 13th, SIR.
>> OH, GOD, I'VE PUT THE WRONG DATE DOWN.
13th? OH, GOD, I HATE THIS.
>> OH, LOOK, IT'S GOING EVERYWHERE.
HANG ON. >> I CAN'T BEAR THIS BLOODY
THING, WHAT THEY DO EVERY STINKING TIME.
>> Stephen: I THINK-- I THINK IT MIGHT BE TIME TO--
( APPLAUSE )
"KEEP CALM AND OH, GOD, I CAN'T BEAR THIS BLOODY THING!"
( APPLAUSE )
THERE'S GOOD NEWS FROM UKRAINE, IT'S STILL UKRAINE.
BECAUSE OVER THE LAST WEEK, THEIR ARMED FORCES RECLAIMED
CRUCIAL AREAS--
CRUCIAL AREAS IN A FIERCE COUNTERATTACK THAT COULD SIGNAL
A TURNING POINT IN THE WAR. IT IS SUCH A DISASTER FOR THE
RUSSIANS, PUTIN HAS LOWERED HIS NIPPLES TO HALF-MAST.
( APPLAUSE )
AROUND 2,400 SQUARE MILES OF TERRITORY THIS MONTH, ROUGHLY
THE SIZE OF DELAWARE. AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A
POINTLESS WAR WHEN WHAT YOU'RE FIGHTING OVER CAN BE COMPARED
TO DELAWARE.
ONE REASON-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. ONE REASON UKRAINE GOT BACK SO
MUCH TERRITORY IS THAT RUSSIAN TROOPS "FLED LIKE OLYMPIC
SPRINTERS." AND SINCE THEY'RE RUSSIAN, YOU
KNOW THEY WERE JACKED ON STEROIDS.
PEW! PEW!
( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S THE TANK RUNNING AWAY. THERE'S SOME RUSSIAN SOLDIERS
JUMPING OFF. AND FINALLY WHAMO!
RIGHT INTO THE TREE. THAT TANK IS GONNA NEED A TOW.
I THINK THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CALL TRIPLE AAAHHHHHHHHHH!
I'M SURE EVERYBODY'S FINE. IN FACT, LAST WEEK, ZELENSKYY'S
FORCES LAUNCHED A COUNTEROFFENSIVE SO SUCCESSFUL
SHATTERS RUSSIA'S REPUTATION THAT SOME ARE SAYING IT AS
A MILITARY SUPERPOWER. BUT DON'T YOU WORRY--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT DON'T YOU WORRY, RUSSIA. YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE YOUR
REPUTATION AS AN ENDLESS WASTELAND LITTERED WITH
CLINICALLY-DEPRESSED ROOT VEGETABLES.
MILITARY EXPERTS SAY RUSSIAN TROOPS SUFFER FROM LOW MORALE--
OR, AS THE KREMLIN CALLS IT, "SPECIAL MILITARY SADNESS."
THERE ARE ALSO SOME SETBACKS FOR PUTIN'S ALLIES, INCLUDING FORMER
U.S. PRESIDENT CHUNK NORRIS. THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT'S
EX-PRESIDENT'S PLOT TO USE INVESTIGATION INTO THE FAKE
ELECTORS HAS KICKED UP A NOTCH. LAST WEEK, OVER 30 ASSOCIATES OF
THE EX-PRESIDENT WERE SUBPOENAED BY A GRAND JURY--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
INCLUDING FORMER SENIOR ADVISER AND GROGGY, EARLY -MORNING PENIS,
STEPHEN MILLER. MILLER, AMONG OTHERS,
WAS ORDERED TO PROVIDE ANY COMMUNICATION BETWEEN
THEMSELVES AND RUDY GIULIANI. THEY EVEN SUBPOENAED RUDY'S
OUTGOING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE. >> YOU'VE REACHED RUDY GIULIANI.
RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I AM PASSED I CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE OUT
IF YOU'RE RETURNING A BUTT UNDER A PILE OF COATS. DIAL,
PLEASE MY CALL MY ASS DIRECTLY. BEEP!
( APPLAUSE )
PERHAPS THE JUICIEST SUBPOENA IS THE ONE DELIVERED TO
MENTALIST TRYING TO READ HIS "MYPILLOW" C.E.O. AND OWN MIND,
YESTERDAY, LINDELL SAID THIS MIKE LINDELL. ON
SOCIAL MEDIA: >> TODAY THE F.B.I.-- YOU'RE
PROBABLY ALREADY HEARING IT IN GONNA HEAR THIS, YOU'RE THE NEWS--
THE F.B.I. CAME AFTER ME AND TOOK MY PHONE.
THEY SURROUNDED ME AT A HARDEES. >> Stephen: YES.
( LAUGHTER )
IN FACT-- THIS IS TRUE-- HE HARDIES. WAS
IN THE DRIVE-THROUGH.
WELCOME TO HARDEE'S. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT. ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL
BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW.
BUT YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY, AND YOU CAN PICK HIM
UP AT THE WINDOW. PLEASE PULL AROUND."
BOOKED ON LINDELL TV TO
ABOUT ONE F.B.I. AGENT IN PARTICULAR.
>> THEN HE GOES, "WELL, I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS."
AND I GO, "OKAY, HERE IT COMES, RIGHT?"
HE GOES, "WE'RE TAKING YOUR CELL PHONE.
WE HAVE A WARRANT FOR YOUR CELL PHONE."
I GO, "NO." I SAID "MY WHOLE
COMPANY, I RUN FIVE COMPANIES OFF THAT."
>> Stephen: HE RUNS EVERYTHING OFF HIS CELLPHONE?
IS HE SELLING PILLOWS OR METH
TO TELL. IN EVERY APPEARANCE, LINDELL
EMPHASIZED THAT HE REALLY EEDS HIS PHONE:
>> IT'S DISGUSTING. I DON'T HAVE A COMPUTER.
EVERYTHING I DO OFF THAT PHONE EVERYTHING WAS ON THERE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT A GREAT DEFENSE, MIKE.
CAR! HOW WILL I GET ALL THESE "OFFICER, YOU CAN'T TAKE MY BODIES
TO THE RIVER?" THERE'S ALSO A CHANCE THAT
THEY--
A LITTLE UPSETTING. THERE'S ALSO A CHANCE THE
FASCIST-CURIOUS FOLKS IN CONGRESS COULD BE SWEPT INTO
ALSO SEEKING INFORMATION ABOUT THIS, BECAUSE THE D.O.J. IS ANY
MEMBERS OF THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH WHO MAY HAVE TRIED TO
"OBSTRUCT, INFLUENCE, IMPEDE OR DELAY" THE CERTIFICATION OF THE
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. IS THIS TRUE?
I'M TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF JOSH HAWLEY'S REACTION WHEN HE HEARD
THE NEWS: RUN, JOSH, RUN!
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT,
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I STAR MY GUEST IS STEVE CARELL. IN
A BRAND-NEW DRAMATIC PLAY WITH A SPECIAL GUEST.
STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )