CHRISTIANE: I was born and raised in Florida. My parents had moved here
from Haiti around the 1980s. From a young age, my parents never really
expressed any love or thankfulness or just any assurance as a child that your
life matters or that you have a purpose here on Earth. So, I just found my worth
and my value in other people.
When all of my friends just left me and didn’t want anything to do with me
anymore, I kind of just demeaned how God created me. I began to struggle
with depression and suicidal thoughts. Really, in essence, it came from my
worth, my value, my understanding, which I had no understanding.
I had no understanding of God. I had no understanding of the mercy of God or
even just the basic chapter of Genesis 1, where it says that God created us in
His image and His likeness. “Male and female He created them.” I didn’t know
anything about that. I just felt worthless. I was like, “Okay, well, there is no need
for you to exist. The world is better without you.”
I was really contemplating suicide. And I remember reaching out and saying,
“God, if You’re real, if You’re here, rescue me from my sins and help me.”
After praying that, God’s mercy,
God’s Word, and His light just illuminated in my heart. The Spirit of Christ restored my heart.
It’s hard for you, in those suicidal moments, to listen to “Oh, you’re beautiful.”
“Oh, you’re enough.” “Your life matters.” It’s very hard to get out of that dark pit
of just wanting to end your life. So, it takes something supernatural. It takes
something much more powerful. And the work of the gospel really began to
show in my life.
I remember I was in the habit of reading the Bible, but I was also stuck in trying
to find out what is true and what is false Christianity. I did not know theology. No
one ever taught me about God’s holiness. I was into certain preachers and
songs and things that were very vague in its theology. And so, I knew that I
wanted something more meaningful. When I was first introduced to Ligonier
Ministries, I felt like I found something that I had been searching for, which was good
Bible teaching. And I was like, “Man, I want more of this!”
I am working on my way to law school. And when I’m writing these papers in my college classes,
I know that Ligonier is a resource that would correlate to what I’m
learning in school. And I just feel more equipped.
When you’re out in the world in a secular university, and I was the only
Christian in class, your faith gets challenged. Oftentimes I have to address that
in my career. Who determines morality? Is it God and His Word, or is it the
world? And that is something that Ligonier has taught me to apply in my daily
life. God’s Word is the sole arbitrator of truth. And if anything contradicts the
Bible, I will have to believe the Bible, because the Bible is true. It’s infallible. It’s
inerrant to give you everything pertaining to life and godliness.
Seeing the endless waves just crash over on the shore reminds me of God’s
mercies that are new every morning. At some point as Christians, we struggle
with, “Am I really saved? Did God really call me and elect me?” Just to
understand that if He can providentially cause the sunrises and the sunsets,
He’s in control of your salvation as well. So, when I worry sometimes and I say,
“God, how can I keep myself?” The answer is, I can’t keep myself. I have
nothing good to contribute. All the good that I have is because of Him.
He will hold me fast.