[R.I.P Old Baywatching intro. You were an absolutely DELIGHT to caption]
[Allison] The real title of this episode is "Masquerade", but personally, I think it should have been called:
[Allison] "Dead and Breakfast".
[Woman] No! No Ron, don't let -NOOOO *screams*
[Allison as Stephanie] Aww yeah, Mitch is gonna be pissed when I claim this save!
[Allison as Stephanie laughs]
[Allison as Stephanie] Aw, she's dead, damn.
[Allison as Stephanie] CJ, you found this one.
[Allison] So it turns out the dead woman's husband was Stephanie's old psych professor
[Allison] who she apparently was close enough with to determine that, despite overwhelming evidence,
[Allison] he can't be the killer.
[Allison] What was going on there, Stephanie? Were you doing a little extra credit?
[Allison] Somehow, Mitch turns 'is or isn't Stephanie's old psych professor a murderer'
[Allison] into yet another competition.
[Stephanie] See, I'm right.
[Garner] Ehh, But homicide doesn't agree with me. I'm still convinced Lowry murdered his wife.
[Mitch] Aha! I'm right
[Allison as Mitch] Murderer students say what?
[Allison as Stephanie] WHAT?
[Allison as Mitch] HA!
[Allison] Garner mentions another, similar case from the same yacht club which cast doubts on psych professor
[Allison] being a murderer, and makes Stephanie think maybe pirates robbed and killed them
[Mitch] There are no pirates in Santa Monica.
[Allison as Mitch] They're all on some island where they tried to murder Hobie, duh.
[Allison] Anyway, Stephanie concocts a plan to pose with Mitch as a rich married couple and lure out the murderous possible pirates.
[Allison] And let's not forget, Hobie's with his mother.
[Stephanie] Hobie's at Gayle's.
[Allison] Mitch is sure they'd be recognized at the club, as all lifeguards would be,
[Allison] but Stephanie is the brains behind this operation.
[Spy music that sounds like minor key Sondheim]
[Allison] Foolproof!
[Allison] No one could possibly recognize them with a wig, a mustache, and a tiny dog.
[Allison] It's brilliant!
[Allison] I think my favorite part of this is they made Garner their chauffeur.
[Allison as Mitch] We'll not have a damn dirty dog of one of my undercover operations!
[Allison] I'm just excited. We get a full 40 minutes of Mitchstache time.
[Allison] Danny Trejo!
[Allison] I thought you turned your life around after Eddie saved your life!
[Allison] But maybe the humiliation was just too much to bear.
[Allison] Oh no, could this man be involved with the murders?
[Allison] It's hard to tell but he might be a bad guy.
[Allison] Okay, guys. They don't have to be like pirate-pirates...
[Allison] You do realize it's not the 1700s anymore, right?
[Allison] And here we get to Garner and CJ's subplot, wherein they follow Mitch and Stephanie around
[Allison] to try and catch the bad guys.
[Allison] Some of you might be wondering at this point who exactly CJ is as a character.
[Allison] Well, let me tell you something.
[Allison] Other than being new-agey, she's whatever the writers want her to be that week,
[Allison] and this time she's a speed demon, which means that Garner is gonna get seasick a lot!
[Allison laughs]
[Allison] End subplot.
[Allison as Mitch] Say... this wig reminds me that we have a full forty minutes to kill...
[Saxophone]
[Pat Benatar] ♫ ...that my.... baby's gone...
[Allison] Man, Season Three is killing it with their montages!
[Allison] To be fair, though, the Mitchstache is like a trump card. Any montage with it is pure gold.
[Allison as Mitch in a posh voice] Cool guys don't look at women singing right next to them, am I right, audience?
[Allison] Ah, pulling out the Craig Pomeroy stare. Interesting move...
[Allison] Prepare to take a tumble into Mitch Buchannon's horribly muddled mindset.
[Allison] His egregiously long black and white montage made him think that
[Allison] maybe playing a character with Stephanie isn't so bad.
[Allison] He is insulted when Stephanie says he doesn't look good with a mustache and then somehow mistakes
[Allison] his character, Trevor, for someone else with whom he can't compete.
[Allison] Just to be clear, he is trying to prove that he is better than himself.
[Mitch] What are you saying that you like Trevor more than me?
[Mitch] You do!
[Allison] Also, can I point out that when coming up with a name for a suave rich and handsome yacht owner,
[Allison] Mitch went with Trevor, the greatest man he ever knew.
[Allison] Not to be outdone in the absolutely petty and pointless department,
[Allison] Stephanie decides that in order to get along, they must remain in character at all times.
[Allison] She proceeds to transform into a rich yacht persona and completely change her mood
[Allison] like some sort of confused schizophrenic.
[Allison] In turn, Mitch becomes his character aka Mitch Buchannon with a slightly British accent.
[Mitch as Trevor] I'm right here
[Mitch as Trevor laughs seductively]
[Allison] Okay, so our main characters are insane people?
[Allison] Approximately two minutes of screen time later the bulk of which is taken up by CJ and Garner,
[Allison] Stephanie and Mitch are already blurring the lines between fiction and reality
[Allison] and making out while shoving fruit bowls off the bed.
[Stephanie] Look if you say anything to him about this, I will torture and then kill you.
[Allison as Mitch] Daddy like...
[Allison] Ah! So it turns out the real killer was this yacht salesman, and those obvious pirates were decoys!
[Allison] That sure is a twist that has no bearing on the plot whatsoever.
[Mitch as Trevor] I'm just sorry our honeymoon didn't last ten minutes longer.
[Allison as Stephanie] Ah, really?
[Allison]While Mitch is sent out to collect their valuables, Stephanie frees herself and makes a swim for it.
[John O'Hurley] No! No,we need her alive!
[Allison as Stephanie] ACTUALLY, by the time he came back and realized I was dead,
[Allison as Stephanie] you'd already have the valuables, idiot!
[Allison as John O'Hurley] Mmm... Good point.
[PEW PEW PEW]
[Allison as Stephanie] You call this a net? I'm gonna report you to the wussy net police, you pee-pee heads!
[Allison as Mitch] Suck it. Stephanie. I liked your rich yacht character better anyway!
[Dramatic music sting]
[Allison as a thief] You mean that mustache was fake?! I can't believe he lied to us about something like that!
[Allison] Okay, those filthy rats had to have been on this expensive yacht before the thieves arrived...
[Allison as Stephanie] You call these cuffs? Who'd you get them from your mother?
[Allison as Mitch] *grunt* My... *grunt* save...
[Climatic fight music]
[John O'Hurley] Stealthy!
[Allison] Huh... Hasselhoff doesn't need hands to take out a boat full of hijackers.
[Allison as Stephanie] Suck my dick!
[Allison as Mitch] *sigh* I was going to save you idiot!
[Allison as Stephanie] You're the idiot, idiot!
[Allison] Well, time for the post-climax wrap-up.
[Wind noises]
[Wind directly hitting the mic]
[More wind noises]
[Hit the mic again.]
[Did someone leave the camera running?]
[Someone must've left to use the bathroom on set or something like that.]
[The home stretch of wind noises!]
[Allison as Garner] Man, we sure were useless this episode!
[Allison as CJ] Gotta go fast!
[Allison] Mitch and Garner go undercover as basketball players to appeal to a more urban audience.
[Allison] Meanwhile, CJ unknowingly gets involved with a married man.
[Baywatch Season 3 Ending Theme] ♫ You've got to reach out. Take hold of my hand.
[Baywatch Season 3 Ending Theme] ♫ You've got to reach out 'til you're safe on dry land.
[Baywatch Season 3 Ending Theme] ♫ You've got to hold on, baby, never give up.
[Baywatch Season 3 Ending Theme] ♫ You've got to reach out.
[Baywatch Season 3 Ending Theme] ♫ When you're caught in the current of love.