WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, IT'S EXCITING.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
IT'S CRISP IN THE AIR.
IT'S 16 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS, BUT WE'VE GOT A LITTLE PRESENT TODAY
AHEAD OF TIME FROM THE INSPECTOR GENERAL OF THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT.
YOU SEE, FOR MONTHS NOW, WE HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT TRUMP AND
UKRAINE, SO IT'S EASY TO FORGET ABOUT TRUMP AND RUSSIA.
IN THIS CASE, TRUMP'S INSISTENCE THAT THE 2016 RUSSIA PROBE
STARTED ONLY BECAUSE OF ANTI-TRUMP BIAS IN THE F.B.I.
THAT WAS THE REAL SCANDAL.
WELL, TODAY, AFTER MONTHS OF INVESTIGATING, THE D.O.J.
INSPECTOR GENERAL RELEASED HIS REPORT, FINDING NO EVIDENCE OF
BIAS.
CONCLUDING THAT THE F.B.I. HAD SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE TO LAWFULLY
OPEN THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
OKAY, THERE IT IS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) END OF STORY!
TRUTH WINS.
THIS WASN'T AN OVERTHROW OF THE GOVERNMENT.
THIS WASN'T EVEN AN ATTEMPTED OVERTHROW, AND NO ONE WAS "IN ON
IT."
I'M SORRY, YOU WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING?
>> THIS WAS AN OVERTHROW OF GOVERNMENT, THIS WAS AN
ATTEMPTED OVERTHROW-- AND A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE IN ON IT.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
I DIDN'T READ THAT PART.
SO, THE DEEP STATE WAS TRYING TO OVERTHROW YOUR GOVERNMENT WHEN
THEY STARTED THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION
IN JULY 2016, BEFORE YOU WERE ELECTED.
ELECTED.
(AS TRUMP) "THAT'S HOW DEEP IT GOES, THEY
WERE TRYING TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT BEFORE I WAS EVEN IT!
THAT WAY, BARACK OBAMA WOULD NO LONGER BE IN OFFICE TO
GRACIOUSLY ALLOW A PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF POWER!
I'M NOT GONNA MAKE THAT MISTAKE."
( LAUGHTER ) KEEP IN MIND, NOTHING HE'S
SAYING IS IN THE ACTUAL REPORT.
HE IS, ONCE AGAIN, JUST NAMING AN ALTERNATE REALITY THAT HE
WANTS TO EXIST.
ON ONE LEVEL, OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS FUN -- AND HA HA HA-- BUT IT'S
ALSO REALLY DANGEROUS, BECAUSE WHY HAVE AN ELECTION IF NEXT
NOVEMBER 3, HE CAN JUST SAY -- (AS TRUMP)
"I JUST SAW THE ELECTION RESULTS.
I WON ALL 50 STATES, PLUS, MANITOBA.
THANK YOU, PATRIOTIC BEAVERS."
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME.
DID YOU HEAR WHAT'S IN THE I.G.
REPORT?
IT'S MUCH WORSE THAN ANY OF US IMAGINED.
TRUMP CONFESSED TO COLLUDING WITH THE RUSSIANS TO INFLUENCE
THE 2016 ELECTION, AND STOPPING THE GOLDEN GLOBES FROM
NOMINATING ANY WOMEN FOR "BEST DIRECTOR."
COME ON!
( LAUGHTER ) THE REPORT ALSO HAS NEW
INFORMATION ABOUT FORMER BRITISH SPY, AND BLAND, JAMES BLAND
CHRISTOPHER STEELE.
( LAUGHTER ) STEELE PUT TOGETHER THE INFAMOUS
DOSSIER ACCUSING TRUMP OF, HOW DO I PUT THIS TACTFULLY, HAVING
A BIG WET PROSTITUTE PEE-PEE PARTY.
( LAUGHTER ) WAS THAT TACTFULLY?
NO.
WE'LL PROBABLY EDIT THIS PART OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT ACCORDING TO THE REPORT,
STEELE WASN'T BIASED AGAINST TRUMP.
STEELE STATED THAT "IF ANYTHING HE WAS "FAVORABLY DISPOSED"
TOWARD THE TRUMP FAMILY BEFORE HE BEGAN HIS RESEARCH BECAUSE HE
HAD VISITED A TRUMP FAMILY MEMBER AT TRUMP TOWER AND "BEEN
FRIENDLY" WITH THE FAMILY MEMBER FOR SOME YEARS.
OKAY, A TRUMP FAMILY MEMBER WITH FRIENDS.
( LAUGHTER ) SO NOT ERIC.
( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT IT WAS IVANKA.
THERE'S ALSO THIS SMALLER TRUMP STORY, HE'S BEING IMPEACHED.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF DON
AND THE GIANT IMPEACH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I NEED SOME GOOD NEWS, I'VE
GOT PEOPLE TRYING TO IMPEACH ME.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S THE SECOND DAY OF LIVE HEARINGS FOR THE
JUDICIARY COMMITTEE.
THEY HAVEN'T DRAFTED THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT YET, BUT
DEMOCRATS SAY TRUMP'S IMPEACHABLE OFFENSES
INCLUDE ABUSES OF POWER THROUGH SELF-DEALING, BETRAYAL OF
NATIONAL SECURITY IN THE SERVICE OF FOREIGN INTERESTS, AND
CORRUPTION OF OUR ELECTIONS THAT UNDERMINE OUR DEMOCRATIC SYSTEM.
OR AS TRUMP PUT IT -- >> PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, WE CAN'T PREDICT WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN
IN THE FUTURE, BUT EVIDENTLY AXIOS CAN, BECAUSE THEY SAY,
"NOBODY WE'VE SPOKEN TO, FROM EITHER PARTY, THINKS THERE'S
EVEN A REMOTE CHANCE TRUMP GETS CONVICTED IN A SENATE TRIAL."
IT'S LIKE THE MOVIE "TITANIC."
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I SHOUT "STOP HAVING SEX AND WATCH OUT
FOR THE ICEBERG!" IT ENDS THE SAME WAY: THE SHIP GOES DOWN,
AND I GET ESCORTED OUT OF ANOTHER MOVIE THEATER.
( LAUGHTER ) DESPITE IMPEACHMENT, TRUMP IS
BUSY CAMPAIGNING FOR 2020.
ON SATURDAY NIGHT, HE TRAVELED TO FLORIDA TO ADDRESS THE
ISRAELI-AMERICAN COUNCIL.
THIS WAS AN IMPORTANT SPEECH, BECAUSE AMONG JEWISH VOTERS,
TRUMP'S APPROVAL RATING IS 29%.
WHICH AMONG JEWISH VOTERS IS SLIGHTLY LESS POPULAR THAT MEL
GIBSON.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST A HAIR.
JUST A HAIR -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> OH, YES.
THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: TRUMP DID NOT HELP HIMSELF WHEN
HE STARTED HIS SPEECH TO-- AGAIN, THE ISRAELI-AMERICAN
COUNCIL-- LIKE THIS: >> I KNOW YOU VERY WELL.
YOU'RE BRUTAL KILLERS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"HOW AM I DOING?
IS THIS ON?
HOW AM I DOING?
WE GET THAT NUMBER UP TO 30% YET?
WAIT, I CAN FIX THIS.
YOU'RE ALSO TERRIFYING MONSTERS WE CAN'T GET WET OR FEED AFTE
MIDNIGHT.
( BLEEP ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) I'M SORRY, I CONFUSE YOU WITH
GREMLINS ALL THE TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) AT ONE POINT, TRUMP ADDRESSED
THE CHALLENGES HE'S FACED BROKERING PEACE IN THE
MIDDLE EAST.
>> I LOVE DEALS, AND I USED TO HEAR THE TOUGHEST OF ALL DEALS
IS PEACE WITH ISRAEL AND THE PALESTINIANS.
THEY SAY THAT'S THE TOUGHEST OF ALL DEALS.
BUT IF JARED KUSHNER CAN'T DO IT, IT CAN'T BE DONE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: REALLY?
IF JARED CAN'T DO IT IT CAN'T BE DONE?
(AS TRUMP) "THAT MAN DOES THE IMPOSSIBLE.
I MEAN, HE MARRIED IVANKA.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE SAID 'YOU CAN'T MARRY IVANKA?'
MY LAWYERS, MY PASTOR, THE ELVIS AT THE LAS VEGAS WEDDING
CHAPEL."