Like my dad used to say when I asked if he was proud of me,
"Hey, let's talk about sports."
(laughter)
The NBA Finals started on Thursday,
and in game two last night, the Golden State Warriors
beat the Cleveland LeBron James.
-(laughter) -Now...
I've been suspicious of the NBA ever since I first learned
of their nefarious plot to force Jazz on the people of Utah.
But... the NBA is now so progressive
that it's not just one of my enemies,
like fiber and dogs with human names.
No. The NBA deserves an even more evil title:
Nemesis.
(rock music playing)
(cheering, applause)
And I can't expose a threat this big without a teammate,
so let's bring in citizen-journalist Tim Baltz.
(cheering, applause)
-Would you stop... -Thanks, Jordan.
Shoot.
-I... -Thanks, Jordan.
Thanks, Jordan.
So psyched to be on your squad.
I... I said don't bring the ball...
I said don't bring the ball on set.
-You need to put that away. -Don't worry,
-I won't play with it, I swear. -Put... put it away.
-I won't... -Fine. Now, Tim,
the NBA has become a... a total abomination
to American values-- tell me I'm right.
Big time, J-dawg.
Instead of shutting up and balling hard,
these rock pounders have become mouthpieces
of progressive politics.
There are teams wearing "I can't breathe" shirts,
and players giving speeches about police violence.
Plus, LeBron James called President Trump's views
"laughable and scary."
That's treason.
The only two adjectives acceptable for our president
are sexy, and-- oops, I already said sexy.
I guess it's just one adjective.
The NBA needs to respond to these protests
the way the NFL is going to, by fining teams.
And that will really sting because NFL owners
are notoriously poor.
But, of course, goody-two-shoes Warriors coach, Steve Kerr,
had to stick his nose in the NFL's business.
Patriotism in America isn't about protesting.
Oh, no, no. It's about fireworks and eagles,
and the EPA letting us use fireworks to shoot down eagles.
Yeah.
They're a bunch of leggy limousine liberals.
Plus, they've been infiltrated by globalists.
Yeah, literally.
More than a fifth of the league is now foreign born players
from 42 countries and territories,
and they're avoiding technical fouls
by swearing in their native tongues.
It's disgraceful.
I mean, what's to stop some French guy from saying:
(speaking French)
(laughter)
I have no clue what that means,
which makes it even more offensive.
Yeah. Big time.
It means go jerk off at the grocery store,
you dirty asshole.
(laughter)
Very long story behind how I know that.
Basically, I was standing outside of a grocery store...
You got to move on. You got to move on.
Just move on. Move on.
-Right. Okay. -Keep it moving.
The point is, the league is trying to tell us
these foreigners are good for the game,
but that's just globalist spin.
No, don't. S-- Don't, Tim. No.
-It's just globalist spin. -No, no, no. Tim, no.
-Hold on. It's globalist spin. -Don't. No. Just hold--
You need to hold it with two hands, Tim.
-Ugh, I broke a-- yeah. -Tim. Hold it, all right?
-I broke a nail. -Mo-- No. Hold it. Hold-- Can you...?
Move on. Move on to women and how they're ruining basketball.
Oh, are they ever.
Great.
-Are you okay? -Yeah.
Not only does the NBA have the first female assistant coach
in major league sports, Becky Hammon,
they also were the first professional sport
with not one, but three female referees.
(whooping)
I mean, besides major league soccer.
Yes, so, yeah, they were the first professional sport.
-Exactly. -Yeah.
Female refs, Jordan, think about it.
Women are whistling at men.
They're stealing our construction site moves.
Yeah, female refs is a bad call.
If I wanted a woman to tell me I'd done something wrong,
I'd get married and expose her to my personal habits.
(laughter)
Sorry, but these gals aren't getting a pass.
No. Don't. Don't pa-- Don't. No.
-They're not getting a pass. -No. Don't pa-- Don't. No.
Don't. No. Don't.
-On-On the issue of... -No. Don't.
Uh, being in--
-They're not getting a pass. -Don't. Don't. Just...
You know what? Just-Just-Just...
Just go. Just do-- finish.
Just-Just finish this (bleep) segment.
Okay, all right.
So the NBA actually stands for National Beta Association,
because the players have gotten softer than good toilet paper.
I mean, take a look at these cucks, Jordan.
TV REPORTER:
NBA players, they-they like their wine okay.
These guys are students of the game and you're--
-they're kind of students of the grape, these days. -Mm-hmm.
TV REPORTER:
have gone vegan or vegetarian in the past year
to help them perform on court.
I was always looking for an the edge both on and off the court
that was gonna get me ahead in my profession and in life.
And I thought yoga was really the right thing to do.
Jesus. Kevin Love is about to gentrify half court.
Yeah, at the end of the finals, the coach is gonna get showered
with a cooler full of kombucha.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a yeast infection just waiting to happen.
Here's what's worse.
That in spite of all these namaste
and plants-chomping wine-sniffers,
the NBA's ratings are now at a four-year high.
And it doesn't track.
It's like the more progressive the league gets,
the more popular it becomes.
-Free thinkers... yeah. -(whooping, applause)
We need to shut this nemesis down.
Yes. Then the other sports can steal their viewers.
No, don't. No. Don't.
And then the networks will block their games.
Don't. Stop it. No, just-- No. Okay.
So that Trump can full-court press them.
-Okay. No. Stop it. Don't. -Man-on-man,
-Please don't. No. No. -One-on-one,
-until the advertisers call foul. -No. No.
-Stop it. Stop it. Stop hitting. -Or a technical foul.
-Tim Baltz. Stop it. -Or a flagrant foul.
The fight continues. The fight -- Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.