why are narcissists so difficult to deal
with and what can you do about it stay
tuned this is Damon from NLP Gym
neuro-linguistic programming is the
technology of creating the life that you
desire and for the past several years
I've been learning and mastering NLP in
order to create the life that I desire
and now to help you create the life that
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basis a narcissist is actually a person
with a very weak sense of self a very
weak self-concept and even actually a
weak ego I know that sounds a bit
contradictory because you think somebody
who has narcissism or who is a
narcissist has a very big ego and okay
maybe maybe their ego is big but it's
vulnerable it's very shaky and I'll talk
a little bit more about that later in
this video the best way to deal with a
narcissist is to just get away from them
cut all ties with them and just get away
because narcissists tend to be very
predatory and they will take advantage
of you and any way that they can they
will make you feel very good in the
beginning they will find your buttons
they'll find the things that make you
feel good and they will say those things
it will do those things until they've
gained your trust and then they'll use
those vulnerabilities to get you to do
it they want you to do or to exploit you
or even steal from you so the best thing
to do is when you recognize that this is
going on to just get away now there's a
lot of people who they're pulled in by
that charisma of a narcissist and they
feel like they're getting something out
of it sort of like they're getting some
sort of need met but they're not really
they feel that way so they keep coming
back for more it's sort of like an
abusive relationship where you think
about how women especially abused by
their husbands or their boyfriends keep
going back over and over there is
something they think they're getting out
of that and it could be from a number of
reasons something you know
going back from their childhood that was
unfulfilled they didn't get or they
deserve they feel like they deserve the
beatings whatever it is they are tricked
into feeling like they're getting some
fulfillment or acceptance but of course
they're not maybe you're in a situation
where you have to interact with a
narcissist maybe at your job one of your
co-workers is a narcissist or your boss
is a narcissist and maybe you can't cut
ties with them narcissism isn't an
either/or thing it's not you're either a
narcissist or you're not a narcissist
it's a spectrum so you could be more
narcissistic or less narcissistic and
probably most of us have some
narcissistic qualities but we're just
not enough to be considered a narcissist
one way that you can tell that a
narcissist is high on the spectrum of
narcissism is they tend to be quite
predatory they tend to prey on
vulnerable people it's really important
to recognize as early as possible if a
person is a narcissist so that you can
make sure that you can either get away
from them or you know how to deal with
them and one of the traits that you can
recognize right away is demonstrations
of superiority and when they demonstrate
superiority often not all the time but
often it's about humiliating you or
humiliating another person or even
female humiliating a group of people so
when they feel like they are higher are
superior to that person when they can
make them look bad so this is very
common with a narcissist any any chance
they can get to make someone look bad
makes them feel superior and this is
what they're after this is the feeling
that they crave so if you see someone
acting in this way there's a good chance
that they are narcissus maybe not for
sure but this is one trait that is easy
to recognize in someone else and that
indicates narcissism another trait of
narcissus is they have a very
controlling frame I'll explain a little
bit more what a frame is as we use it in
NLP there's also a channel called
charisma on command and they did this
wonderful video on frames on
interactions and using frames and having
a stronger frame I'm going to
Lincoln to this video I don't usually
link other channels to my channel or
videos in my channel but this video is
so well done and so well explains frames
I think it would be a very good way to
explain further what I'm talking about
because I'm only going to give you a
short description of what a frame is so
your you have a frame you have this idea
for yourself of what your threshold is
what you're willing to do what you're
not willing to do and if someone comes
in with a stronger frame it can be very
very difficult to resist that so in
sales for example if the salesperson has
a very strong frame and they're very
clear about what they want in that
situation and they stick with it a
person coming in off the street like a
prospect they haven't really thought out
their frame very well that frame can the
overpowering frame of the salesperson
can actually well overpower their frame
and get them to buy something that maybe
they wouldn't buy so a frame is
basically your disposition your want in
a situation your clarity about what is
that threshold of like what am I willing
to do what am I not willing to do if
you're negotiating a deal it's that
point at which you would walk away from
the deal or what will help you pull the
trigger an ideal if all of your needs
are met so that's kind of a way of
demonstrating a frame and then there are
conversational frames there are
persuasive frames there's a lot that you
can go into with frames in fact NLP
really started as framing and reframing
and then it expanded from there so watch
that video from charisma on command it
will give you a much and more in-depth
and demonstrations of what the frames
that I'm talking about here with a
narcissist their frame is going to be a
controlling frame they're going to look
for opportunities to control you to
influence you to get you to do things
especially that you don't want to do or
that you wouldn't normally do so if
they're trying to get you to spend money
on something they're trying to get you
to praise them they'll oftentimes use
this controlling frame for you to accept
how they want to see you in other words
they have a way that they want to see
you
that they want you to be for them and
they will impose that frame and they
won't make subtle hints about how you
are this way so if they want you to be
vulnerable they may say things like well
we know that you have this problem with
speaking up for yourself or you know we
both know that you you're not very
strong when it comes to stepping and
standing up for yourself so that might
be little subtle hints as ways that they
will try to get you to be who they want
you to be and they'll say things like
what we both know are we you know we
agree to this or they'll use
presuppositions as if you know it too
we both know it right you're really this
way we we both know it you really want
this don't you so and it might not be
anything that you actually want but it's
they're imposing their frame of who they
want you to be and that leads me up to
this next part which is functionalizing
people you've heard of objectification
of people so say a man objectifies a
woman he only sees her as a sexual
object well chances are he's not going
to be very good at getting her sexually
because women feel that they feel when
they're objectified and so unless she
has a very very low self-esteem she's
going to resist that north's assists are
usually a lot more crafting they
functionalized people instead of seeing
people as objects they see people as
functions they see if you watch
functions who will do what they want
them to do so back to that frame they
will probably use a frame to
functionalize you to get you to do what
you want them to do so you want to be
cautious of the frame they're setting up
for you so if they're setting a frame of
they want you to do some work for them
and they want you to do it for free
and the the attitude is is that you're
not as worthy as they are they're
superior to you
so because they're superior to you they
need you to do this work for free and
because they're superior that it's
somehow giving it's giving you what you
want when it actually really isn't so
they're demonstrating superiority that
was the first one by saying I'm you know
better than you therefore you should do
this work for me and not only should you
do it for me you should do it for free
and then there setting the frame of the
frame of this is is you're getting
something out of this too because you're
getting to talk to me you're getting to
work with me and because I'm better than
you then that's giving you something you
didn't have already and then the
functionalizing is getting you to do
whatever it is they want you to do for
free in other words what they're setting
up here is a win situation for them in a
lose situation for you so that would be
a typical narcissist that would be
something very typical narcissist with
dear it's not the only thing I mean you
there's narcissists and relationships
and they're men and women we tend to
think of them as as men but there are
plenty of female narcissus so don't
think that this is only a male male
problem so how do you deal with a
narcissus how do you if you if you're
forced to interact with a narcissus what
should you do because a narcissist has a
very shaky sense of self they're
constantly looking for validation and
this is why they like to humiliate
people this is why they like to act
superior to people this is why they like
to get people to do what they want them
to do if you think of cult leaders cult
leaders tend to be narcissists they want
to surround themselves around people
they want to surround themselves with
people who believe in them who validate
their their sense of self because they
can't validate it for themselves they
especially want to surround themselves
with people who don't contradict them
who don't call them out who don't give
them negative feedback who don't even
give them constructive feedback because
the reason their sense of self is very
shaky is because they don't have counter
examples in their database of experience
and I know that I'm jumping to something
really big here so bear bear with me in
the field of NLP we unfortunately have a
lot of narcissists and that can be two
possibilities this idea of gaining an
upper hand learning NLP to gain an upper
hand on people attracts narcissists the
other side of it is if you become really
good at NLP the tendency is is that you
go inside yourself you
a subjective reality and you remove all
of the mistakes you've ever made in your
life this is a very bad idea and they
especially remove flaws and
vulnerabilities out of their sense of
self their ego their self-concept what
happens when you do that is it actually
makes you unstable it actually makes
your ego unstable your self-concept
makes it on to where it's on it's kind
of shaky because it is knowing that we
are fallible and vulnerable that
actually strengthens us now if we focus
too much on our vulnerabilities if we
focus too much on our mistakes and all
the things that we've ever done wrong
and all that that will have the opposite
effect we'll feel really bad about
ourselves and we'll feel shameful but if
we have a good balance of knowing that
I'm capable of doing certain things that
I'm confident and that confidence is
based in real experience and I have a
few opposing experiences we call counter
examples thrown in there that makes it
actually makes my sense of self very
solid it also makes me very open to
feedback so someone comes to me and says
hey you know I like what you do but you
kind of screw it up there now then I can
take that I can say oh okay well you
know listen to that and I may agree with
it I may not agree with it but it's good
information for me and I can accept that
a narcissist cannot accept that because
they try to create this sense of purity
within themselves that they're perfect
that they don't make mistakes so when
someone comes along and gives them
feedback they're gonna have one or two
reactions to that they're either gonna
try to attack the other person and I
don't mean physically it could happen
physically but most of the time none
narcissists don't tend to be very
violent or physical they can be but they
tend not to be so they may attack back
they may try to feel like they may feel
like you're attacking them and that
you're gaining that superiority and so
they may lash out chances are though if
they were not prepared for your feedback
they're gonna shrink and they're gonna
move away if you've heard the statement
you know the way to deal with the bully
is to finally confront the bully this is
one of those circumstances so when you
know what a narcissist is up to mean
you know that they try to demonstrate
superiority you know that they try to
set a strong frame to control the
situation and you know that they will
try to functionalize you and get them to
do get you to do things that you don't
necessarily want to do you can call that
out so if they do something like that
they try to humiliate you if you say
something like well I realize what
you're doing you're trying to gain the
upper hand you're trying to look
superior to me by exploiting a
vulnerability okay so you've done it so
what now
so you've called them out and then the
same thing with functionalizing if
they're trying to get you to do
something that you don't really want to
do you could say something like well you
know you you just want me to do that
because you want me to do that that
doesn't help me in any way and then they
want to say well it does help you
because they might try to smoothly say
that they're superior to you therefore
you should just be happy doing stuff for
them call them out on that and say oh so
what you're saying is because you're
better than me then I should do what you
want me to do and that that's what I get
out of it that that's my reward I don't
think so
so when you're pushing this stuff back
at them they're going to want to get
away from you and you can go and further
I mean you do anything that they're
throwing at you come from a meta
perspective and call out what it is that
they're doing this will make a
narcissist want to get away from you as
soon as possible because what it does is
it makes them feel like their tricks are
found out that they know that you know
the truth that they actually have a very
weak sense of self that they have a very
weak ego a weak self-concept and when
they're when a narcissist is around
someone who recognizes that this is
their biggest fear because they're
acting in the ways that they're acting
because inside they really feel like a
fraud and they're constantly trying to
prove it to themselves externally that
they're not a fraud that they're
validated that they really are superior
they're really are better than everybody
else and when you're they're calling out
what they're doing this will shrink them
down they won't get away from you now be
prepared some of them are quite crafty
some of them have some good arguments
ready to go ready to sling right back at
you and they will try to impose that
frame even stronger just keep calling
out what it is that they're doing now
that's if you have to deal with a
narcissus my recommendation again if you
don't have to deal with them if you
don't have to confront them just cut
ties just get away because they're gonna
always be looking for ways to exploit
you they're gonna always be looking for
ways to gain the upper hand so why would
you put yourself around somebody like