Joust day tomorrow so I'm going to be
kept busy for many hours. Oh! I heard this great story. I think
you might like it it's about a king, a bishop and a baker.
Now, in this story, the king is King John so it's around
the time Magna Carta and he had a reputation for being cruel.
King John was on his travels and as he always did when he was on his travels,
he took with him his pride and joy, his pack of hunting hounds. But he
was suddenly called away on business so he left his pack of hounds in the care
of the local bishop. Now, this bishop was a vain and a proud man and very
very greedy, but a man who would never do anybody a favour unless it served
his own interests. So when King John's servants delivered the hounds, well, the
bishop had them put into a kennels and then forgot about them. So a couple of
months later when the king returned and sent his servants to collect his dogs,
you can imagine, their fur was mangey and matted and the dogs were thin from
being underfed and underexercised. Well when the king saw them he was
furious. He sent immediately for the bishop and he didn't waste his words.
My Lord Bishop, I entrusted you with my treasure and you have treated them
worse than if they had been put into hell. I'm going to have you
placed in the loneliest castle in my kingdom, in the deepest,
darkest dungeon, and we'll see how you do without food for a month!
Well, when the bishop heard this he fell to his knees and begged for
mercy but the king was having none of it. Until one of the king's advisors,
a wise old knight, suggested it might be a good idea to find a
more profitable and amusing way to punish the bishop. King
John thought for a moment, then he smiled. He'd had one of his ideas.
My Lord Bishop, said King John,
I understand that you are a man of great wit and intelligence. I
will offer you a challenge. I will set you three questions to answer.
If you answer them to my satisfaction then you will go free. If you fail me,
I will take possession of everything you own. Now, I am a fair man so I will give
you tonight to find out the answers to these questions, do you agree?
Well, the bishop had no choice so he agreed. He thought to himself,
I am a clever man so if the king does ask me questions I can always
go and look in my library of books to find the answer to any puzzle or
riddle. The king called the bishop forward and whispered the questions
in his ear. When the bishop heard the questions his face grew pale,
his knees started to knock and tears ran down his face. So we are agreed,
said King John. I look forward to seeing you in the morning.
The bishop went back to his rooms. He was crying his eyes out, his servants
didn't know what to do until one of them stepped forward and asked him
what the matter was and he explained the situation. The servant looked thoughtful
and said, My Lord Bishop, I think I might have an idea to get you off the
hook. The bishop asked him what it was. He said, well, there is in your palace,
in the bakehouse, a baker, a man who many people have remarked could well
be your twin brother for he is the same as you in his build, in his face,
why even his voice and his mannerisms are the same. People are often confused,
they call him My Lord Bishop thinking they have just walked past you! What
if you got him to dress in your robes and to go before the king and answer
the questions? You could make good your escape and that fellow could take your
punishment. The bishop wasn't sure, so the servant sent for this fellow,
this baker. When he arrived, it was incredible. He looked the absolute
spit of the bishop. The bishop thought he was looking in a mirror. He got the
baker to exchange clothes with him so that he was dressed in the baker's
apron and the baker was dressed in his robes. Now you couldn't tell them
apart! The bishop began to think the plan might just work. My fine fellow,
the bishop said to the baker, the reason I have called you here and
we have exchanged our clothes is that I have a jest for you to take part in. The
king and I, as you know he is staying here, we have a contest between us,
a challenge, and we set each other three questions a day. Tomorrow if it my turn
but unfortunately I've been called away on very very important church business.
I was wondering if you would take my place and answer the king's questions.
The baker was a kind-hearted fellow but he wasn't a fool. What are the questions
My Lord Bishop? he said. Oh they are very very easy said the bishop. If
you agree, I will tell you. The baker thought to himself for a moment. A purse
of gold! Very well, my Lord Bishop, I agree. Tell me the questions. Well the
bishop, they're very very easy. I will advise you tomorrow morning, stand in
the shadows so he doesn't see you clearly, and as to the questions they
are very very straightforward. One: How much water is there in the kingdom of
England? Two: How far is it to Heaven? Three: What, to the nearest penny,
is the king worth? There you are, now I really must be on my way. And with that
the bishop left. Hmm, thought the baker to himself, tricky. I'll sleep on it.
Next morning, the baker got up bright and early and dressed in
the bishop's clothes and made his way to the king's chamber. The king
was waiting for him. Ah my Lord Bishop he said, do come forward,
which the baker did but he was very careful to make sure that
he stood just beside a column so that there was a shadow thrown over him.
Good morning, my Lord Bishop, said King John. I trust you slept well? Thank you,
My Lord King. So... the matter of the questions, said King John,
a cruel smile on his face. Number one, how much water is there in my kingdom of
England? The baker looked puzzled for a moment. Well my Lord King, he said,
I suppose you think this would be a tricky matter to settle but actually
I measured it quite easily because last night for once in this kingdom
there was no rain. I had to calculate the amount of water that ran down the
rivers and into the sea but I balanced that with the amount of water in the
morning dew and I calculate the amount of water in your kingdom of England
to be one hundred and six million, six hundred and fourteen thousand,
eight hundred and fifteen cupfuls. And with that, he produced a cup. The King
looked perturbed for a moment. That's a very precise calculation my Lord Bishop,
he said. Ah well, the Bishop said, I measured it myself.
King John looked suspicious. But how do I know that you're right? An easy
matter, my Lord King. I will happily give you this cup and you can take
yourself out tonight and measure for yourself. Well the king knew he was
being played. But it was only the first question. Very well my Lord Bishop,
he said, I will give you that one. But now the second question. My Lord Bishop,
how far is it to Heaven? The bishop said, my Lord King, with this answer
I had a piece of luck. Last night one of the bakers here in my palace,
a kind honest fellow more suited to be a saint than a baker, fell ill and died,
and I went to say a prayer for him. Now when I started to speak the words,
miraculously he suddenly leapt up, he came back to life. His
eyes opened and I immediately asked him a question. I said,
what have you seen? My Lord Bishop, he said, I have been to Heaven. How far
away was it, I said? My Lord Bishop, he said, it was two hundred miles.
Is it two hundred miles for everybody I asked him? Oh no no no said the fellow,
some people had made a longer journey than me and some people joined me as I
walked. Their journey was far shorter. Your journey depends on how many good
deeds you have done. Yes, said the king, tell me more! Well my Lord King said the
baker, with that the poor fellow died and he did not revive. So I am afraid
the only answer I can give you my lord king is that the distance to heaven is
down to the individual and it depends on what good deeds you do in this life.
Hmm, thought the king, well logical I suppose. I will give you that question.
But the third I will not be so generous for I know my own value. My Lord Bishop,
what am I worth? The bishop looked at the King. My Lord King, he said,
I know that you are a man of wealth. You have gold, you have silver,
you have jewels, you have furs, you have silks. So this was a difficult
thing to calculate. But I have an answer for you. My Lord King,
I calculate your worth to be twenty-nine pence. How dare you! Twenty-nine pence?!
That's less than two and a half shillings! That's less than the
cost of the shoes on my feet! You have just talked your way, my Lord Bishop,
into a dungeon! My Lord King, said the baker, please. I calculate your value
and your worth like this. As you will know, in the Bible, when Judas Iscariot
betrayed Jesus, he was given a purse of coins: thirty silver coins was the price
of his betrayal. My Lord King, I honour you at one silver coin less than God.
Well, the king rubbed his nose and thought for a moment and then he started
to laugh. Ha ha ha! This bishop, I had heard that he was proud and haughty,
and yet I talk to him now and find him to be the wittiest and wisest man in my
kingdom! My Lord Bishop, come forward, you have won! Well, the baker forgot
himself. He did just that: he stepped forward out of the shadow of the column
and into the light. King John stared at him. You are not the bishop. So,
my fine fellow, tell me who you are and tell me what is going on or you will
find yourself thrown into a dungeon from which you will never emerge. Speak now.
The baker knew the game was up. So he fell upon his knees before King John
and told him the whole story of how the bishop had summoned him and dressed him
in his robes, told him the questions and how he'd gone away and thought of
answers thinking that the whole thing was just for the king's
amusement. King John looked at him. You are by far the wisest, wittiest,
most honest man in my kingdom. What to do with you? From this day forth,
you will continue to wear the robes that you now wear and you will be
a bishop. The bishop, when he is apprehended, will be brought back
here to his palace where he shall be put to work baking bread in the kitchens.
So that, my friend, is how a baker became a bishop.
Right, I've got to get back to work. So have you! I'll talk to you soon...