LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN, WRITER,
AND ACTOR.
HIS FIRST OFF-BROADWAY SHOW, "JUST FOR US" IS A "NEW YORK
TIMES" CRITIC'S PICK.
PLEASE WELCOME ALEX EDELMAN.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> HELLO!
MY GOD!
OWOW!
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY, A LITTLE, AND THEN I'LL LEAVE
YOU ALONE.
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY DAD.
MY DAD'S A REAL SMART GUY.
MY DAD TEACHES AT M.I.T.
HE'S A CARDIOLOGIST AT A HOSPITAL IN BOSTON CALLED
BRIGHAMS.
HE DESIGNS ARTIFICIAL HEARTS.
AND BECAUSE OF THE ARTIFICIAL HEART DESIGN, IN 2010, HE ALMOST
WON THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR MEDICINE.
( APPLAUSE )
AND IF YOU TALK TO MY MOM, YOU'D THINK SHE'S MARRIED TO THE
DUMBEST PIECE OF TRASH WHO'S EVER LIVED!
YOU'D WALK OUT OF A CONVERSATION WITH CHERYL EDELMAN, AND YOU'D
BE LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THAT LADY, BUT HER
HUSBAND...
ILLITERATE."
( LAUGHTER ).
I WAS HOME-- I WAS HOME AT THE START OF THE PANDEMIC, AND OUT
OF NOWHERE, WE'RE EATING DINNER, MY DAD GOES, "ALEX."
"YEAH, DAD?
IS?
"DO YOU WANT TO SEE AN ARTIFICIAL HEART?"
"YES, PLEASE."
FOR A SECOND I WAS AFRAID HE WAS GOING TO BE LIKE, LOOK."
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS THE KIND OF WEIRDO HE IS.
HE GOES, "OKAY, I'LL GO OUT TO THE CAR."
MY DAD'S JUST GOT A TRUNK FULL OF HEARTS, LIKE, THE SADDEST
COUNTRY MUSIC SONG OF ALL TIME.
THE MAN HAS A TRUNK FULL OF HEHEARTS AND HE GOES OUT TO THE
CAR AND GETS A CARDBOARD BOX OUT OF THE TRUNK-- I WATCH HIM
THROUGH THE WINDOW-- AND HE COMES BACK WITH A BOX AND PULLS
OUT A HEART AND IT'S GORGEOUS.
IT'S CHROME, IT'S PLASTIC, IT LOOKS LIKE A HEART.
I GO, "DAD, THIS IS SO COOL."
AND MY MOM, WITHOUT LOOKING UP FROM HER "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE, JUST
WENT, "TOOK HIM LONG ENOUGH.
HE'S BEEN WORKING ON THAT CRAP FOR, LIKE, 30 YEARS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND I SAID, "YEAH, MOM, BUT IT'S PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?
BECAUSE IT'S AN ARTIFICIAL HEART?"
AND SHE JUST WENT, "I GREW YOUR HEART INSIDE ME IN NINE FREAKING
MONTHS."
( APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE LADY AT THE END OF THE TABLE WAS BORN
WITHOUT ONE."
"IS THAT WHY YOU MAKE THEM?
YOU'RE LOOK FOR A HUG AT SOME POINT?"
EVERY WIFE THINKS THEIR HUSBAND IS THE DUMBEST PIECE OF TRASH
WHO'S EVER LIVED.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THEY ARE.
LIKE, YOU EVER SEE MICHELLE OBAMA INTERVIEWED ABOUT BARACK?
THE INTERVIEWER IS LIKE, "HE'S AMAZING."
AND SHE'S LIKE, "HE'S FINE."
( LAUGHTER )
JESUS TURNING WATER INTO WINE, AND MY MOM WOULD BE LIKE, "YEAH,
BUT IT'S A ROSE, ISN'T IT?"
"IT'S A ROSE."
WE WENT TO THIS MUSEUM RIGHT BEFORE I LEFT.
WENT TO THIS MUSEUM IN BOSTON, AND MY DAD PARKED TOO FAR AWAY
FROM THE MUSEUM.
AND EVERY PARKING SPOT WE PASSED THAT WAS OPEN BETWEEN THERE AND
THE MUSEUM, MY MOM PUT ON AN ORIGINAL PRODUCTION OF
"MACBETH."
SHE WAS LIKE, "WE COULD HAVE PARKED HERE!
WE COULD HAVE PARKED HERE."
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE SAID, "YOU'RE A MORON."
I SAID HE'S NOT A MORON.
HE ALMOST WON THE NOBEL PRIZE."
AND WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, SHE GOES, "NOT FOR PARKING!"
( APPLAUSE )
PERSON IN MY FAMILY.
MY BROTHER, 5678D J.-- THIS IS TRUE.
THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
#-R MY BROTHER-- I MEAN, LIKE, IT IS EVENTUALLY.
LIKE A.J. QUALIFIED FOR THE 2018 WINTER OLYMPICS FOR ISRAEL.
AND WHEN PEOPLE FIND THAT OUT, THEY ASK ME A TON OF QUESTIONS.
THEY'RE LIKE, YOUR BROTHER?" "YES."
"YOUR BROTHER?" "YES."
"YOUR BROTHER IS AN OLYMPIAN."
"YES, IF YOU'RE WONDERING, TURNS OUT IT'S NURTURE."
( APPLAUSE )
YEAH,s FOR ISRAEL, I KNOW.
THE WINTER OLYMPICS.
YES.
DOES ISRAEL HAVE AN WINTER.
NO, HE HAD TO TRAIN IN GERMANY, THE IRONY TO END ALL IRONY.
A.J.'S SPORT IS SKELETON, WHICH IS LIKE LUGE-- I SHOULD DO THIS
BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO BE ON TV.
WHAT A HERO, A TREMENDOUS ACCOMPLISHMENT.
WE'RE SO PROUD OF HIM.
OKAY.
( APPLAUSE )
WONDERFUL.
SKELETON IS THE DUMBEST SPORT YOU COULD POSSIBLY CONCEIVE OF.
IT'S HARDLY-- HERE'S HOW DUMB THE SPORT IS.
I WENT TO GO SEE A.J.REQUESTS PERSPECTIVE IN LAKE PLACID.
A GUY CRASHED AT THE TOP OF THE RUN AND THE SLED WENT DOWN
WITHOUT HIM, AND THE SLED ON ITS OWN FINISHED IN FOURTH PLACE.
AND I THINK ABOUT THAT, LIKE, ONCE A MONTH BECAUSE
OCCASIONALLY MY BROTHER WILL BE LIKE, "IT'S A SKILL SPORT."
AND I'M LIKE, "IT'S GRAVITY, A.J.
A CORPSE AND SOME DUCT TAPE WOULD MEDAL IN THIS EVENT!
THE ANNOUNCER, BOB COSTAS, WOULD BE LIKE, WOW, LOOK AT SIMMONS
KEEPING HIS SHOULDERS SO STILL IN THOSE CORNERS.
ALSO, I HAD NO FAITH IN HIM, NONE.
WHENEVER THEY INTERVIEW ATHLETE FAMILIES, THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,
"WE KNEW THAT TOM WAS SPECIAL.
WE KNEW THAT HE WOULD WIN A MILLION SUPER BOWLS, BECAUSE
SOME TRANSCENDENT QUARTERBACK."
THERE WAS NONE OF THAT MY NMY HOUSE FOR MY ISRAELI OLYMPIAN.
I MADE FUN OF A.J. EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I CALLED HIM THE "FROZEN CHOSEN" FOR LIKE FOUR YEARS IN A ROW.
AND MY MOM WAS LIKE, "STOP CALLING HIM THAT."
THIS WILL BE A TOO JEWISH FOR SOME OF YOU, BUT I SWITCHED OVER
TO SCHUL RUNNINGS, AND I'M SO PROUD OF THAT.
WE'RE AT THE OLYMPICS.
WE'RE IN CORIA SITTING ON THIS BUS IN THE OLYMPIC VENUE, AND
THERE IS AN ISRAELI REPORTER INTERVIEWING A.J.
"WHAT WAS IT LIKE WHEN YOU FOUND OUT YOU WERE GOING TO BE AN
OLYMPIAN."
AND A.J., SAID "NO ONE WAS MORE SURPRISED THAN I WAS."
AND OUT LOUD ON ISRAELI TELEVISION I JUST WENT, "THAT'S
NOT TRUE."
GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
THIS IS WHAT A DREAM.
( APPLAUSE )
SHOW "JUST FOR US" AT THE SOHO PLAYHOUSE FROM MARCH 14
THROUGH APRIL 23.
GO TO www.justforusshow.com FOR TICKETS.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN I'LL BE JOINED BY SANDRA BULLOCK, ANNE
HATHAWAY, AND MICHAEL BUBLEÉ.
GOOD NIGHT.